the three L's.

i am lucky. i am loved. i am living.
the other night my anxiety creeped in and took over. i was without any ounce of control in this matter and out of my medication. if any of you know anxiety, severe anxiety, then you can relate to the point of how much this moment crippled me, leaving me helpless and feeling utterly alone while trying to regain control.

for the most part, i fight my anxiety. i do the meditating, i do the big deep breaths, i do the speech. (telling yourself that you have no control of the situation and until you do have control there is no point in letting yourself get worked up over nothing) but there are times when i cannot fight it. it takes over and all the "meditating, breathing or self therapy techniques" aren't going to do a god damn thing. you, at this point, have to wait it out.

once i could finally gain control over myself, and my emotions, then i was able to bring in the self therapy techniques. i put together a little note on my phone reminding myself of the L's. i push myself to remind me that there are some things, though i may not have control over them, that i can't change.

i can't help the fact i've been blessed with extreme luck. luck in every definition of the word.

i can't help the fact i'm loved. yes, i push people away. yes there are times where my actions are mistaken for lack of love or care but there are those few who have continued to show unconditional love when it isn't deserved.

i suppose i could help the fact that i'm living, but that is another topic for another day. i refuse to end my own life, for reasons that i am going to keep to myself. either way, i'm living. i breath in and breath out every day. i've pushed through some of the most difficult situations and made it out alive. scarred, but alive.

throughout the past year and everything i've been through, my mother has been unwavering with her love, understanding and forgiveness. i may not be a mother, but watching and seeing my own mother go through what she has and to have not given up on me yet, has to show true love. the kind of love only a parent could offer. she continues to surprise me by constantly supporting me, forgiving me for stupid decisions i've made and loving me through it all.

the other night i went to visit her and say hello. we ended up having a pretty intense conversation. she brought something up that i never noticed. i don't give up. i don't admit to complete and utter failure. i admit to the mistakes i've made and then i stand up tall and say it has to get better. it will get better.

i'm human. i make mistakes and i'm not going to stop making them because of the fact i am human. but sometimes i forget my own strength. sometimes we all forget how strong we are. we let ourselves fall into the abyss which is our own self destruction.

"i'm not good enough. no one loves me. there is no possible way something like that could happen to me." and it goes on and on..

but the thing is you are strong enough. you made it through another day and pushed on. no matter how bad your life seems, you don't give up. you don't give in. you push forward. so, like myself, you have to remember the three L's.

you are lucky. you are loved. you are living.