Contact me. Within reason.

I’ve been getting a lot of strange emails lately. I don’t mean requests for used undies or the like. I mean things like*:

• Give me (something)! (No. Eff off. )
• I can’t find something/anything/everything on your blog! Show me where it is/send it to me/tell me how to find it! (There's a search bar in the top right hand corner. Put your words in there.)
• Pdfs don’t work for me! Send me everything free on your blog as a Word document. (ಠ_ಠ)
• Why do I have to download your Friday Freebies? It’s such a pain. Send them to me by email instead. (Die. Now. Please.)
• Teach me to WordPress! (Use Google. Look up spelling and grammar check while you're at it).
• My wife can’t find any Freebies. Send her directions. (Use the m*trtrucking search bar).
• Where are all teh books? (ಠ_ಠ)
• I don’t want to have to read the whole post just show me where the book is! (Die slowly from systemic herpes. Please.)
• That super rare pattern/magazine that sells for $50 on ebay? I’ll give you $10 for it. That should cover international postage too. So when can you send it? (ಠ_ಠ| ಠ_ಠ| ಠ_ಠ)
• That thing you’re selling on ebay? Bring it to such and such location and I’ll give you $5 more than your starting price. I think that’s a good compromise. When you can meet me? (Never.)
• Scan such and such book for me! A variant on this is “Oh such and such book would be so useful for my kids/mum/grandma/school/church. *sigh*. Oh wait! You have a scanner don’t you?” (Yes. And for $40, so can you! Also, the book you want is on ebay now for $6 on a 'buy now' listing with free shipping. Would you like a cost-benefit analysis or A/B statistical testing on that decision?)

And my favourite:

• But I’m not good at Googling. Can’t you just do it? (ಠ_ಠ)

There are no stupid questions. Just people that expect others to Google things for them. To quote the internet:

Actually, I made a handy flow chart instead. Hopefully it’ll help the poor dears deal with the complexities of life on the internet-without having to contact me. Said chart is now above the contact form on my ‘Find Me‘ page. Click to enlarge.

All emails fulfilling the ‘go away’ criteria will be banished to the spam folder. Forthwith.

Happily I haven’t been asked to ‘practice my sewing’ by making free clothes for anyone yet.

*My actual email responses are polite and to the point. So please don’t contact me telling me to ‘be nice(r)’.

More hilarious hideousness here.