“Oh no dear, you’ve fallen in love with her, you idiot.”

‘Ugh, that was horrible. I kicked a lot of furniture and swore constantly and played a lot of aggressive contact sports afterwards. I went to see my sister and in the middle of a tirade of abuse about your moral degeneracy, I said: It’s so messed-up she’s with him. She should be with me. There it was. I didn’t even know I was going to say it.’

‘Haha! What did she say?’

‘She said, oh no dear, you’ve fallen in love with her, you idiot. I said, no, no, no, absolutely not. I’m simply experiencing level of irrational emotion that makes me want to roll a rock over the door like a Flintstone and imprison her, until she realises she must choose me. I won’t be a cruel jailer, she will get fed and can take supervised baths. My sister said, yeah, that’s love. You?’

Taken from Mhairi McFarlene’s ‘It’s Not Me, It’s You’.