In the Wake of Pregnancy Loss



































I experienced a pregnancy loss a little over a week ago - and in the wake of all things difficult and blue, the feeling of emptiness - I have felt these small pangs of love, little flickers of hope and light that have made me feel joy. I truly know that these bright touches that twinkle through the dimness are nudges from God telling me to have faith and feel gratitude for what it is that does surround me.

It is difficult to express how I could possibly want more, more, more when I already have so much. Honestly, it is arduous to not stumble through every attempt of expression -- a challenge to fight back the anger and the desire to scream at someone -- especially the someone that might be trying to offer comfort, but absolutely says the wrong thing as he or she stumbles through an attempt to voice comfort.

The greatest back breaker comes at night, for me, when it is quiet and I am trying to settle myself -- when I start to wonder about that baby, who he would have been, or she. Or when my head then goes to perhaps not -- perhaps that soul was not to touch my life or our earth - at least not yet and not through me. I do not think God gives something and then takes it away like that, it does not work like that for me.

It is an entirely even larger something to consider what it could be - my body, my will. What the future holds - more children, a life as a sweet family of three, adoption? I like answers. Immediacy. I am not patient. My spirit does not easily settle.

I will have more words.

More resolve.

All in time.

But for now I have a thirty-four year old husband to celebrate -- God, I love birthdays! How lucky are we to ring in his fast-approaching mid-thirties? I have a house to tidy up --(not something I typically relish)-- but our best friends are coming for the weekend and I am glad to have my home ready for their visit. And it is dance class day for a little girl that absolutely lights up when she puts on her new tap shoes and shuffles her feet. And then there is each new morning that I wake and realize that I slept a bit better than the previous night, as each day my hormones offer a bit more relief from the delightful coolness that night sweats offer. Ah, life!


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