Bad Sauna

All by myself in a sluggish sauna waiting for it to turn on, this is the least stimulation I've experienced since moving to LA ~1.5yrs ago. 22 months. If I had gotten a phone on the same day that I moved to LA, I would be eligible for an upgrade now. For 22 months, I've been surround by people and colors and buses and parties and shopping and drinking and netflix and bills and blogging and not blogging and tweeting and I've learned how to cook, but nothing matters in this room, in this sauna.

It's beginning to turn on, I think. Sauna is making pinging noises, pong, ping, ping, pong, there is a spider web in the wood barrier, no one uses this room. Poor, lonely sauna. It's not getting any hotter, just louder. This painfully slow incline in volume and heat would give me anxiety in any other room, but in this room, I'm so relaxed.

A light mounted on the opposite wall is making me very aware of my shadow. I think it's one of the energy-saving lightbulbs, but the light seems really warm, I've never been good with differentiating between warm and white light. Why are we still even calling lights 'energy saving' as though it's a big deal, they've been around forever, why can't these farmpunk earth children force everyone to define the energy saving bulbs as normative and rename the original, regular lightbulbs, call them 'energy wasting shitbulbs' or 'fuck up no college education lightbulbs' or 'get a real job lightbulbs'. Oh boy, the sauna is heating up now. Well, it's warmer.

Zero Nothing about this box fits in with my paradigm of 'sauna', set by 24hr fitness, set only in theory by stories I've heard about those gay bathhouses, the Hollywood spa, something club something. Why don't lesbians have those? A sauna/gym/fuckcenter where you don't need to exchange names or play TinderTag or write an okcupid bio that you feel guilty about because you tried so hard and only sound a little clever. What if I posted this on my blog? I haven't posted in a year, it'd be kinda cool. Like hey, didn't take any pictures of my outfit, but I'm in a sauna.

What if I died in here? The door sticks and I'm trapped and my water runs out. They find me, a raisin, three days later, my thumb hovering over sending this essay(?) and the maintenance guy discards it, lost forever. Or he sends it and I become iconic. Artists will pay tribute, marina will put herself in a sauna and let people throw their sneakers in with her. Has anyone ever tried to cut her hair when she or Shia or whoever else do those 'performance art' sittings and let everyone approach them? What're the wildest things that people have done? If they have security that prevents anything 'too' crazy, that's cheating. Balls to the wall, all or nothing, or don't do it at all. The sauna just turned off completely. It didn't make me sweat at all. This was a complete waste of time.

Your favorite complete waste of time, Spencer Niemetz