singleness | a raw prayer

we all have those moments.
moments of raw, unbridled emotion that blindsides us.
this happened a few weeks back while on a lunch break walk.
i was listening to some nice acoustic music that started evoking these memories and emotions i haven't thought of in a long time, and my heart started tumbling down this dark path of pain.
and i felt so overcome with needing Jesus that i just stood in the midst of a park, surrounded by strangers and covered in sunlight and typed into my phone a completely unedited prayer with tears rolling down my face.
i thought of sharing it on the blog, then i thought of how personal prayer is and how scripture talks about prayer closets and the beauty of praying in secret (man do i have so many prayers written in journals)...and then as i thought more and more on the topic the Lord kept pushing on my heart to share this prayer.
and can i be honest?
i'm a little bashful sharing this - because it is a small look into my soul, completely unedited, and completely vulnerable.
and i'm not sure who all reads this blog from my personal life...so i get a little self conscious.
this is also a far cry from my last post on singleness - which should just go to show that there are different moments within this season. moments of joy and contentment, moments of hurt and anger, moments of not even thinking about it...and each moment comes and goes and is valid and needs to be felt. /// and where am i right now in all of it? today isn't a bad day, the last few days haven't been so bad - and i'm thankful and rejoicing in it; and learning all the while. that's what we're supposed to do during these hard seasons right? be challenged and learn?
oh i'm learning.

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Lord,
soothe my hurting heart.
be as a balm upon this gaping wound that i feel.
i'm walking in the beauty of your creation; huge oak trees with limbs full of beautiful life look over me reminding me of your faithfulness.
tears build within my eyes because i am hurting and my heart feels alone.
this is a moment when my singleness feels like a weight, like a plague, like a never ending battle.
You've created me to be a warrior and here i am in the midst of the battle feeling overwhelmed and battered and i'm so tired.
i don't want to desire marriage any longer - i don't want to feel this emptiness of a dream not coming to fruition.
i know you have a plan, a beautiful plan that i do not understand - but help me understand.
the enemy keeps whispering lies of worthlessness and abandonment and i don't want to believe them, but i'm weak.
be my strength, comfort me, wrap me in your embrace.
my God i need you desperately.

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my hope is, this connects with someone.
to remind you, married or single, that you're not alone within pain and struggle.
that every day and every moment is neither perfect or full of joy.
but when we have these moments, we hand them over, in complete honesty, to the Lord and then continue on with the day.
we do not have to be defined by the season of life we are in.