Getting used to it

I hate to tell you this but you do get used to it.

After Lane died my whole world changed. The way I looked at things. The way other people looked at me. Like most of you, I just wanted to run away from home if I didn't have my husband and my old life. I knew nothing would ever come close to feeling normal again.

At first the grief was so overwhelming I thought I was going crazy. After a year or so I felt sad and lonely to the point of exhaustion. Then about year 4, I began accepting what my life is today. I didn't like it and still don't but I have accepted my reality.

This past weekend I was sitting outside and thinking about holiday celebrations in the past. How much Lane liked barbecuing and having the kids home to enjoy it with him. I had little cry and a couple of laughs and realized that I am used to being alone. I don't feel depressed or angry anymore. It is what it is and after 8 years I am used to it.

Being use to it is nothing to brag about. While the emotional roller coaster sucks the life out of you, "being used to it" has no emotional component whatsoever. In other words, most days I feel like I am doing nothing but going through the motions.

So when you ask yourself, when will I get used to it, just remember be careful what you wish for. When you spend every day in neutral it is almost as weird as feeling you are going crazy.

How do you widows feel about getting used to it?

Sue