Flowers are similar to the quintessential five-piece bath and body kit gift — they both say, “I didn’t know what to get you, but this is what girls like, right? Right?” Why do...
Even though I like to think of my refrigerator as that thing that magically keeps my boxed wine nice and chilly and just the way I like it, I occasionally feel that while eating out every single day ...
I can’t remember the last time someone normal hit on me. When I say someone normal, I’m only referring to someone within my generation, vaguely sober, and without potential restraining or...
They say beauty is everywhere. It’s not. But it does come in unconventional packages, and today I’d like to share with you some of my favorite unintentional beauty icons. Horses. Can you ...
My whole life, I have aspired to be a woman with a small purse. Here’s where I’m at on the small purse front: I once emptied out my purse — a biannual affair — and discovered ...
I already know I’m going to be a fantastic mother because I have successfully cried during every Pixar movie ever made. If I can empathize with ants, birds, and dragons, then there’s real...
It’s Saturday night and I’m a twenty-something with a lot of impulse-purchase dresses, so it would only make sense that I should end up accepting one of many (two, if anyone’s count...
I have this problem where I really feel for everyone around me to a fault. Sometimes, it’s like I am them. I mean, unless I’m in an argument with them — then I obviously feel for my...
There’s something about working in restaurants that makes you quickly come to loathe everyone who has never worked in a restaurant before. To be fair, you will eventually bloom into a full-fled...
Underneath my innate rock star exterior, I am but a delicate butterfly wing of a girl. I’m just trying to make a lasting connection in this world. Do my best to appreciate people, but slightly ...
To make a long story short, I was starving and I accidentally ended up drunk at 2 p.m. on a Tuesday. If you want to do the math, that means I’m drunk right now. It’s 95 degrees outside. W...
We’re campaigning beside you for president and vice-president. We’re still your secretaries, but some of us are signing your paychecks. We’re asking you out on dates and we’re...
Something really terrifying that I always notice when I’m up in the morning and I don’t have to work is how many people are jogging or biking for exercise — they are electing to do ...
One life skill I’ll never have totally down is eye contact. I just don’t get it. When I was 14, I went on a date to the movies with this guy I thought was vaguely cute. He shaved his legs...
What came first — the adult or the adult apartment? I just don’t think you can be an adult until you’re living in an adult environment, so I think it’s high time that we put o...
It all started a few months ago when I was in a “dancing” phase. I like to think it was the mere exposure effect at work — the gist of it is that if you’re exposed to somethin...
When I first moved to Pennsylvania from California four years ago, I kind of liked it. Small towns! An inconvenient commute to New York! Snow! Wawa! A weird absence of palm trees! Highways with no di...
Now that we’re comfortably about halfway through 2011, I think it’s about time we all take a moment to check in with ourselves. Pay a little visit to the Introspection Station. (Note: It&...
Stop faking it and fucking make it already. Don’t take candy from strangers, but always accept alcohol from them. If you’re bad at eye contact, just wear sunglasses. If you dance like nob...
There are few things I hate more than running into people I know. I operate on a very specific social schedule: If I didn’t ask you to hang out, I really don’t want to see you. I’m ...
If your relationship is ever on the rocks, don’t go to Ikea. My relationship isn’t on the rocks (and thank God for that because I’d have to give up drinking to afford my rent by mys...
It was my birthday last Sunday, and the thing about birthdays – or rather, the thing about me – is that every birthday is my fifth birthday, meaning I see it as completely rational behavior to expect...
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that red lipstick never needs to be touched up, the group of people you’re with when a popular song starts to play will always be equipped...
Let’s do this shit right, okay? It’s cool — your latent commitment issues have finally begun to surface and you’ve got some psychotherapy you need to tackle, you met some new ...
My boyfriend and I recently acquired a record player, which is great news for an aspiring music snob like myself. I say aspiring because I like to refer to myself as a “music snob” in the...
About a week ago, I was talking to a friend of mine and somehow, the conversation came around to health insurance. I know, right? You know you’re an adult when… Anyway, there was a little...
If you are one of those people who takes candid pictures, you’re a jerk. What, you just bought a DSLR that you leave the default settings on anyway and suddenly you’re the paparazzi? Leav...
In this economy, it’s hard to get a job, but you aren’t really helping the cause. If you are between the ages of 16 and 30, you are probably terrible at marketing yourself. Every time a f...
I have a very important announcement to make this morning and that announcement is that “cute” has been added to the list of adjectives that are never okay to call a human being. I mean, ...
Recently, it came to my attention that I’m a quitter. There are very few things that I do as well as not doing things anymore. As with most things that eventually render you a dysfunctional adu...
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