There was a time, long ago, in a world not unlike our own, where a writer would produce a manuscript after many laborious hours spent hunched over a typewriter of such heft and weight it could easily...
STAY DOWN, ASSHOLE! YOU CAME TO THE WRONG BEACH, LITTERBUG. THAT DROPPING THE WRAPPER SHIT MIGHT FLY WHEREVER YOU CAME FROM BUT THIS IS THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST. PICK IT UP. AND YOU’D BETTER BE PLANNING...
BYE, MOM. BYE, DAD. PLEASE STOP STRUGGLING. IT’S JUST A COUPLE YEARS IN A LABOR CAMP. I KNOW YOU WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO RETIREMENT BUT YOU CO-SIGNED FOR COLLEGE, REMEMBER? IT WAS EITHER SELL YOU INT...
KNOCK IT OFF, HENRY. I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR LITTLE LOVE GAMES. MY PARENTS ARE COMING OVER LATER AND THIS PLACE IS A MESS.
EVER SINCE I STARTED TAKING HERBIVORE STUDIES COURSES AT THE LOCAL UNIVERSITY IT’S BECOME MORE AND MORE DIFFICULT TO ENJOY A WIDE RANGE OF WHAT I ALWAYS ASSUMED WERE NORMAL AND BENIGN ACTIVITIES. I’V...
OH MY GOD, I TOTALLY FLEW INTO CHRIS EVANS DOWN BY THE RIVER! GET OUT OF HERE! ARE YOU SERIOUS? RIGHT INTO HIS ROCK HARD, PERFECT CHEST! I THINK I BROKE MY NECK! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! THAT’S SO HOT! DON’T ...
HELLO? PETERS- HELLO? HELLO! PETERSON? PETERSON, ARE YOU STILL THERE? HELLO? I’M SORRY. I DON’T KNOW HOW THIS ‘JAWBONE’ THING WORKS. HELL, IF WE’RE BEING HONEST I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT BLUETOOTH IS, B...
YOU HEAR YEASAYER’S GOT A NEW RECORD COMING OUT? I GUESS I HEARD THAT SOMEWHERE, YEAH. I MIGHT CHECK IT OUT. I DON’T KNOW, MAN. I REALLY ONLY LIKED THEIR LIVE PERFORMANCES FOR A SPECIFIC TWELVE MINUT...
ANY CHILD BETWEEN ONE AND THREE YEARS OF AGE WEIGHING MORE THAN TWENTY POUNDS MUST, BY FEDERAL LAW, BE SECURED IN A FORWARD-FACING CHILD SAFETY RESTRAINT SYSTEM IN THE REAR SEAT OF THE VEHICLE IN A M...
This is personal stuff and bad jokes and wedding updates and free (great) music, not yammering lemurs in capslock, so skip it if you’re not interested in that sort of thing. Hello, buttons. How...
DAMN, GIRL. YOU CAN SEE THAT BOOTY FROM THE FRONT.
I’M SORRY I BROKE THE COFFEE TABLE DURING MY INCREDIBLY LABOR-INTENSIVE AND EXHAUSTING RENDITION OF BEYONCÉ’S ‘LOVE ON TOP’. MY DISMAY WAS MITIGATED BY HOW IMPRESSIVE YOUR DANCE MOVES WERE. THANK YOU...
I REPLACED ALAN’S GATORADE WITH ANTIFREEZE! LET’S SEE IF HE NOTICES!
THE PULSE, THE HUM AND SWELL, THE SONG BENEATH THE SKIN, IT CALLS TO ME! OW, FUCK! RANDY, WHAT THE HELL? “DRINK!” IT CRIES, “DRINK OF ME AND LIVE FOREVER!” GET OFF ME! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU...
P90X CAN KISS MY P90ASS. SOMEONE FIND MY PHONE. I’M ORDERING PIZZA.
THANK HEAVENS YOU’RE BACK. WE’RE SO BORED WE’RE ACTUALLY DYING FROM IT. I’M ACTUALLY FINE. I TOOK A GLORIOUS NAP. COMCAST IS DOWN AGAIN. SURPRISE, SURPRISE. WE WERE GOING TO BURN THROUGH SOME DOWNTON...
I’M SO STUPID. Shhhh. Don’t say that. I JUST- I THOUGHT HE WAS DIFFERENT. HE WAS ALWAYS SO SWEET TO ME WHEN WE WERE ALONE. WE HAD ALL THESE PLANS. HE MADE SO MANY PROMISES, AND- AND- AAUHHHUHHHUHHHHA...
YOU EVER LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND THINK ‘HOLY SHIT. WHO IS THAT TOTAL SEX BOMB WITH THE KILLER SMILE AND THE BANGIN’ BODY?’ EVERY TIME, MY FRIEND. EVERY TIME. YOU EVER ATTRIBUTE THAT TO CONSTANTLY BEIN...
STEVE. SERIOUSLY. I DIDN’T USE YOUR TOOTHPASTE, OKAY? I HAVE MY OWN. IN A FLAVOR I ENJOY. I DON’T CARE WHICH WAY YOU SQUEEZE THE TUBE. THE FACT THAT YOU SORT OF BOOBYTRAP TOOTHPASTE TO SEE IF ANYONE’...
WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT. A GIANT CLOUD IN THE SHAPE OF SATAN’S GRINNING FACE, WITH DOLLAR SIGNS FOR EYEBALLS, BLOCKING OUT THE SUN. KIM AND KANYE MUST BE EXPECTING A BABY.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW ME AND YOU KNOW I’M NOT RACIST BUT I WOULD NEVER LIKE, DATE A MALLARD, RIGHT? IT’S COOL THAT THEY APPRECIATE SOME WOMANLY CURVES BUT I CAN’T HANDLE ALL THE MACHO POSTURING AND THE SE...
WHAT DID YOU GET, SOME SORT OF TARRAGON CHICKEN THING? WITH A LITTLE FRUIT CUP AND A BROWNIE? OH, THAT’S ADORABLE. I GOT A FUCKING PILE OF LETTUCE. IT’S NOT EVEN KALE OR ANYTHING. HOW HARD IS IT TO O...
FASCISTS, MAN. PASSING ALL THEIR LITTLE LAWS. LAYING DOWN THEIR LITTLE RULES. RESTRICTING MY FREEDOMS. “YOU CAN’T SMOKE POT IN FRONT OF A DAY CARE CENTER.” “YOU CAN’T ROLL A JOINT AT 7-11.” “YOU NEED...
I WILL DESTROY YOU, DAN. YOU HEAR ME? YOU LISTENING? I WILL CRUSH YOUR WORLD. I WILL RAIN DOWN FIRE UPON YOU. BECAUSE I PUT “LEVEL SIX DONGMASTER” AS YOUR FACEBOOK STATUS WHEN YOU LEFT YOURSELF LOGGE...
DO YOU WANT TO GET SOME APPLEBEE’S OR SOMETHING? MAYBE SOME OUTBACK? I THOUGHT WE WERE SAVING FOR VACATION. IS A BLOOMIN’ ONION GOING TO DRAIN THE VACATION FUND? … NO. EXACTLY. SO LET’S GO GET ONE.
LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME IN MY EYES. DO YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME? A SUMMER HOBBY? THIS IS DEADLY SERIOUS BUSINESS AND YOU’RE BEHAVING LIKE AN AMATEUR. A NOBODY. YOU MISSED HALF YOUR CUES ON A ROUTINE W...
AWESOME, I LOVE BEGGIN’ STRIPS. WHAT’S NEXT? Let’s see, this one is from … Altamont Realty Associates, and it’s a notice that you’re being sued for nonpayment of rent. Please contact their office wit...
OH, I’M SORRY, LARRY. I THOUGHT THE POINT OF GETTING A HOTEL WITH DELICIOUS BREAKFAST SERVICE, SOME HOT TUBS AND A NICE LITTLE POOL WAS TO USE THOSE AMENITIES TO INCREASE OUR ENJOYMENT SINCE THEY’RE ...
ATIAC will return on Saturday, May12th. I won’t have internet access in the interim. This saddens me, because I love you. I love your tiny faces and adorable emails and your sexy hair and that ...
I DON’T UNDERSTAND. I WAS FOLLOWING THE GARMIN. IT SHOULD BE RIGHT HERE. WERE YOU FOLLOWING YOUR EYES? BECAUSE THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY. WHY DID WE EVEN GET OUT OF THE CAR? I SPE...
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