(scene, 11PM, just returned to the couch to watch another episode of Prison Break with Guy on the Couch. The Daver watches Deep Space Throat Nine Downstairs) Aunt Becky: “FUCK, I just knocked o...
If I could tell the world just one thing… The January air was cold, crisp, the sort of Chicago winter that seared your boogers to the insides of your nose and made your eyes water, your tears f...
When my eldest was five, I was beyond delighted to find that they still manufactured EZ Bake Ovens. I, myself, had often begged, borrowed, and wheedled my mother about buying me one. Her response was...
When people used to say things like, “Oh, I can’t WAIT for the fall TV lineup,” or “I have EVERY NIGHT’S TELEVISION SCHEDULE COLOR-CODED and in a GRAPH!” I’d...
One of the first things I did after we bought our house was lay down on the then-only-slightly-dingy-white (WHITE!) carpet and make a carpet angel. Because, well, OBVIOUSLY. Also: we’d gone fro...
(Scene: Aunt Becky, outside, underneath the rosebed, cursing my climbing roses, my lack of gardening gloves, the cats for peeing on my last nice set of gloves, and the stupid privacy screen for holdi...
Dear “John C. Mayer,” I know we’ve had a tumultuous relationship – we’re like when a tornado meets a volcano or um, cheese meeting macaroni, or something poetic, John C....
I put on some profile thing somewhere or another (probably under my “job skills” on LinkedIn)(no, I can’t believe that I bothered with a LinkedIn profile either – the only way...
This weekend, at Band Back Together, we’re hosting a carnival of posts about Mother’s Day. Before you run away gagging, hear me out: these are the kinds of Mother’s Day posts I wish...
“What’s wrong, Mama?” he asks as he climbs onto my lap, a spindly bundle of arms and legs that always manage to sucker-punch an internal organ. “Oh, I’m just sad,”...
…Love, Aunt Becky (I’ll be adding some more through the day. Why? Because obviously)
Hey Auntie B! How ya’ doing dollface? Since I gather you are as OCD as me, I wondered what you do to de-clutter the house when the sheer amount of shit you have makes it look filthy? (Of course...
I’ve been on a fondue kick. I do this pretty often – I’ll eat one thing for like six months straight until the sight of it makes me vomit. What, ME (with) food issues? Lately, rathe...
I have a problem with windows. Now you’re probably thinking: a) AB is being neurotic about inanimate objects again 2) Another weird phobia? I thought the MAYO was bad enough. But you’d be...
Being a grown-up is bullshit. 1) Replacing the windows in your house brings you to higher orgasmic heights than your last, well, orgasm. 2) You become very interested in the state of the new grass gr...
I have food issues. I like to think of them as sort of cute lil quirks, you know, the sort of thing that makes me endearing rather than annoying, but having lived with a foodie (The Guy On My Couch) ...
Interviewing for jobs is bullshit. I mean, you’re standing there, nervous as shit, and apologizing to the silk plant to your right for bumping into it because you know the secretary is secretly...
Now I’m not a hoarder. I’m not even very sentimental. (you’ll note that I am decidedly NOT a hoarder because every time someone comes over, I try to send them home with everything f...
…Post a picture of something random then link to this post. Which I wrote. I love it. I can’t read the comments, but I love the post. And no, I wasn’t talking about you – ANY ...
Last night, after I punched myself in the ‘nads for fucking with my roses too early, I got online and began to work on a resource page for teen mental illness. Don’t tell me, I’ll t...
I don’t make lists. Or, I should say, I don’t make GOOD lists. Every time I get overwhelmed by the sheer amount of dancing cactus videos on YouTube, I tell one of my Type-A friends that I...
Pranksters, Meet Mark Zuckerberg: He’s dating The Bloggesses Beyonce. He’s also the culmination of approximately 291,727 years of work on my house. Some people, they get stressed and eat ...
First, go here. Read this. It made me cry. Then write your story over there Or here. ALL of them. ———— Okay back? Good. Here goes: I owe you a bit of an explanation, Prankster...
“They look like white elephants,” she said. “I’ve never seen one,” the man drank his beer. “No, you wouldn’t have.” “I might have,” the man...
Normally, when I announce to all four cats, my children, The Daver, and/or The Guy On My Couch that “I’m taking the weekend off,” I mean this: “I’m not actually going to...
Whenever I see my GP and am all, “Woah, my neck hurts,” he examines my neck and then jumps away, all unprofessional-like, swearing under his breath, “oh holy fuck. How are you even ...
I knew something was up from the moment I saw them in the parking lot. We were winding down from a busy Saturday night, I was scheduled to close, but my server friends were waiting for me in the bar ...
I spent a good deal of time yesterday adding things to the Anatomy of a Forum post from yesterday. I’m telling you, I’ve never laughed so hard at comments before – and you guys are ...
Please note that any offensive words I’ve used were only thrown in to more properly illustrate my point that Forums = full of asshole pinheads, not to offend anyone. When I’m trying to of...
Dear Mr. “Gmoney,” I think I’d respond to you much more favorably if you’d included an “ESQ” behind your name. I feel the addition of ESQ to your name would give y...
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