ConanOBrien: There was a tropical storm named “Bud?” I assume it’s the first one to threaten the coast wearing a wife beater.
ConanOBrien: I might be watching too much “Game of Thrones” because I won’t eat shrimp without first subjecting them to a loud, public beheading.
ConanOBrien: A new study claims Christopher Columbus may have been Jewish. They point to his recently unearthed comedy album “Take My Spice - Please!”
ConanOBrien: @LAKings, don’t doubt that I’m up to date on your team. In fact, I know Marcel Dionne and Rogie Vachon will take you all the way this year.
ConanOBrien: PS - Im watching this @LAKings game on my DVR. No spoilers, please.
ConanOBrien: The @LAKings are playing the @PhoenixCoyotes? I wonder which city that shouldnt have a hockey team will win.
ConanOBrien: This morning I thought I heard a neighbor blasting that new @Skrillex song I like, but then I realized it was just the garbage truck.
ConanOBrien: I’m sure the guys Mitt Romney bullied in high school take comfort in knowing he’s now a famous billionaire.
ConanOBrien: Backstage at #Conan, Tracy Morgan & I fight about if Greeces debt-to-GDP ratio is causing the Euro-Zone Recession: http://t.co/Ezzn0PBR
ConanOBrien: A sad moment for civilization: I just bought Greece with an old can of olives.
ConanOBrien: CBS greenlit a sitcom based on Groupon. Why is TBS stalling on my idea “Val-Pak Buddies?”
ConanOBrien: They say “opposites attract” and yet I don’t have the hots for the Tanning Mom.
ConanOBrien: Today, Facebook went public, just as MySpace’s last user went private.
ConanOBrien: Going on Letterman tonight for the first time in 13 years. Dave wanted to wait until I hit puberty.
ConanOBrien: .@Snooki is considering filming her childbirth, on the off chance there’s someone out there who hasn’t seen her vagina yet.
ConanOBrien: If Obamas the first gay president, then Im the first gay late night host! Oh, hes not gay? Then I was being sarcastic.
ConanOBrien: You know who’s behind this big push for gay marriage? The immensely powerful tuxedo industry.
ConanOBrien: Instead of flowers, I sent my Mom an assortment of unsecured Greek Treasury bonds.
ConanOBrien: I’m just like the Hulk, except when I’m mad, I get dry mouth.
ConanOBrien: Thought from a recent hotel stay: doesn’t “Toblerone” sound like a character on Game of Thrones?
ConanOBrien: Just heard someone logging onto AOL. Instead of “You’ve Got Mail” the voice now says, “Greetings, Old Fool!”
ConanOBrien: This baseball season has an upside: my son gets to see the Red Sox I grew up with!
ConanOBrien: I went to see “The Avengers” today and it was sold out. I looked like an idiot dressed like the Hulk during a showing of “Think Like a Man.”
ConanOBrien: Tonight on #Conan, @MettaWorldPeace and I have a civilized interview. And then one of us smashes Andy in the face. http://t.co/BoGeW5gh
ConanOBrien: Hey, say what you will about Donald Trump. Seriously, go ahead.
ConanOBrien: Ever get really into playing a video game, only to discover it was just one of those high-tech Japanese toilets?
ConanOBrien: Easy mistake: instead of renting MONEYBALL I accidentally rented a porn film called MILF WRANGLERS 6, VOLUME 2.
ConanOBrien: What will history remember more? Muhammad Ali vs Joe Frazier, or Gavin DeGraw vs Jaleel White?
ConanOBrien: Question for the ladies: Late-onset back hair… as sexy as I hope? #FingersCrossed
ConanOBrien: People always ask me: “WHY?! OH GOD WHY?!!?” Mostly at the beach.
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