“Did you steal Petunia’s charger so you could charge Mufasa?!” I hate repeating myself, YOUR VIBRATORS DESERVE THEIR OWN CHARGERS.
“I would give anything for a hammer to bust through our door if it takes me to Chris Hemsworth.” I’ll go look for my toolbox.
“I don’t care that he’s spent time in jail, I just hate that he owns two pairs of Crocs!” You should fashion police arrest him.
“Pizza goes in the recycling, right?” Only if it’s Dominos.
“I’ve always wondered why Miami has so many Mexicans.” Stop wondering, they’re Cubans.
“Our pact: No matter who we are with or if we are ready, we have to get married and have kids at the same time.” Alright…I’m in.
“Is it okay if I take Nyquil during the day or only at night?” You should NEVER be operating heavy machinery anyway, so go for it.
“For the lotto I picked the jersey numbers of the soccer players I hooked up with in high school!” You’re only allowed 6 numbers…
(at 2AM) “Were we even born when the world was 8 days a week?” Ladies, time to turn off The Beatles and get some sleep.
(singing) “Never mind, I’ll find someone like you. I wish nothing but a really good poo.” Should I sing backup from the toilet?
“I’m beyond excited to see Hunger Games! I can finally pretend like I read the book.” I KNEW you never read Precious!
“Oh my God, do you think that a long time ago the world used to be in black and white?” Yes, color came when you two were born.
“Nicole Richie’s dad is Lionel Richie? Wait, who’s Lionel Richie?” He’s just some partying socialite who got famous for nothing.
“Payton Manning’s going to Denver? He should play for the LA…” Wait for it… “The LA? What’s LA’s team again?” And there it is.
“I’m so proud, I didn’t even get that wasted on St. Patrick’s Day, did I?” Are you asking because you were too drunk to remember?
“There’s such a thing as invisible children!? Wait, how do you see them if they’re invisible?” Kony 2012.
“Luke told me that HD stands for ‘Huge Dick.’ Is that true?!” If you come downstairs and I’ll show you my 55″ Huge Dick in color.
“Please come home! The cork broke and I can’t get this bottle of wine open by myself.” Alcoholics shouldn’t enable each other.
“Snooki is pregnant!? You know what, good for her. She’s proving all of her haters wrong.” Right, she’s proving them very RIGHT.
What is that thumping noise? You’re either taking Leap Day literally or Chad has stopped by for “brunch” again.
“Why Tuesday?! That’s a week away and my vajayjay is already overgrown!” So I see you’re getting into politics…
“It’s a fact, I have a better chance of sleeping with our yoga teacher because I don’t fart in class.” Instead I get to hear them.
“I got so drunk on President’s Day that I forgot to see who our new President is!” Please still be drunk, please still be drunk.
“Mom, I have a job! It’s to entertain my Facebook family with cute pics and status updates.” Her generation will never understand.
“We deserve Academy Awards for pretending Valentine’s Day never happened!” Or for when you cried because it was Valentine’s Day.
“My throat hurts, but Whitney would want us to sing on…AND I WILL ALWAYS–” When I die, everyone will know my cause of death.
“Dear Eva Mendes, please die so I can be with Ryan Gosling on Valentines Day.” Hey, only I’m allowed to write rhetorical letters.
“The news says that Proposition 8 was overturned. What does overturned mean?! Quick, turn on Ellen!” It means she’s happy.
“Helmets ruin the Super Bowl for me when all they really do is hide Tom Brady’s gorgeous face.” Concussions are SO overrated.
“Groundhog Day is a real thing?! So there are people who keep living the same day over and over?!” Yep, and that person is me.
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