Any given statement or situation in a white Brit’s life is likely to occasion one of two responses: “I read an article in The Guardian that said…”, or, “Have you seen th...
Although briefly covered by ‘misanthropy‘ and ‘meta-humour‘, Stewart Lee’s elevated status among white Brits means that he requires an entry of his own. His acerbic humo...
Since circa 2010, white Brits have been physically unable to go one entire day without adding a hashtag (#) to at least one word. This is as true of speech as of writing, and the habit is no longer e...
Lost in their novels and poetry books like modern-day Don Quixotes, white Brits have a quasi-pathological aversion to reality. Paying one’s bills, waiting for the bus, purchasing toilet paper: these ...
From Shakespeare’s ‘country matters’ to every second word Malcolm Tucker pronounces, the word ‘cunt’ is deeply embedded in white British culture. While using it as a des...
Poached eggs and bacon and are the way to any white Brit’s heart. Around 2pm on a Sunday, you won’t be able to go for even a cursory stroll without seeing crowds of hungover white Brits q...
In any game of Five People You Would Invite to a Dinner Party, there is a 97% probability that a white Brit will name Jeff Goldblum.* Goldblum, as he is often referred to, has the ability to attract ...
While genuine bragging is not acceptable behaviour for white Brits, they do greatly enjoy talking about their spurious claims to fame. Usually this is constituted by having bumped into a famous perso...
White Brits all over the country, never having met or spoken to each other, have a strongly held belief that Queen is the most overrated band of all time. When they tell you that this is their opinio...
All white Brits naturally tend towards the condition of hipster. They do so, however, with a singular mix of denial and self-hatred. They may be brogue-wearing humanities graduates with an exaggerate...
Louis Theroux is as close as it gets to a white British superhero. This investigative broadcaster and Gonzo journalist travels the world revealing injustice, corruption and evil. He shows a non-judge...
Once they have finished their MA in the humanities or social sciences, the majority of white Brits stray, wide-eyed and idealistic, into the cold, hard world of work. Their various degrees have left ...
Whenever a white Brit goes on holiday, they will embark upon a search for the cheapest, tackiest souvenir they can find. Snowglobes of the Eiffel Tower are considered humorous, as are keyrings of the...
If you are ever in a situation where you need to cook for a white Brit, do not let their foodie posturing send you into a panic. All you will need to do to win their approval is throw in some edamame...
As pointed out in a recent article on the Eurostar magazine, the middle classes tend heavily towards guilt. The upper classes consider the feeling common, while the working class are not neurotic eno...
Want to impress a newfound white British friend? Being able to tell a Chianti from a Merlot or a Chablis from a Pinot is no longer considered an achievement, so there is no better way to show off you...
Located in trendy areas Smithfield and Spitalfields, this expensive and slightly unorthodox restaurant encapsulates everything that white Brits love about food. With a menu featuring delicacies such ...
Not only a state of mind, Feeling Gloomy is a popular Saturday night event organised by two white Brits who met at a Costcutter in Wood Green. The weekly event is held in Angel, where it offers night...
In recent times, white Brits have become increasingly likely to pepper their speech with a lively assortment of abbreviations. Anything consisting of three or more syllables is a candidate for this s...
Back in 2008, Secret Cinema exploded onto the white British scene. By ‘secret’, it basically means there isn’t a Wikipedia page for it, which makes it mysterious and virtually unkno...
It is no coincidence that, in an endeavour to win over white Brits, Lady Gaga appeared on Friday Night with Jonathan Ross with a tea cup and saucer. Along with a pestle and mortar, a cafetière, and n...
It is an established fact that all white Brits go through a phase of loving Oasis around the age of 13. They will learn every single lyric to (What’s the Story) Morning Glory and perceive Liam ...
Almost all white Brits have travelled to India, normally between the ages of 18-32 and for a minimum of two months. They will have been to Delhi, Mumbai, Rajasthan, Goa, Varanasi, Amritsar, Kerala, a...
At one point or another, all white Brits have contemplated the option of moving to New York. Whether it’s to relive Annie Hall and Manhattan or to up their street credentials by hanging out in ...
White Brits like to congratulate themselves on their ability to pronounce borrowed or downright foreign names, words and phrases, momentarily erasing any hint of their Britishness. It’s a sure-fire w...
If a white Brit wishes to make a profound or grandiloquent point, which is by no means rare, they will automatically try to soften its pretentiousness by referencing some form of unassuming popular c...
White Brits do not, as a rule, have happy and well-balanced relationships during their teenage years. In moments of need, The Smiths are at hand to provide solace in the form of Morrissey, whose love...
It is not clear at what exact age Angel replaces Shoreditch in white British people’s affections, but it is a fact that as the fire of rebellion quells and the love of expensive wine bars incre...
There are few things that can successfully satisfy white Brits’ love of irony and misanthropy at the same time, but Terry Wogan’s commentary of the Eurovision Song Contest did just that. ...
Sharp wit is an important part of white British culture. Unfortunately, not all jokes turn out as well as the would-be comedian had planned in their head, whether due to faulty delivery or because th...
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