I have never gotten chills in such a short amount of time, nor felt so moved by that one passage of the song. You go, baldy, you do your thing. Well, there it is guys, I’m pretty much done with...
Cloning tiny versions of every Ticketmaster employee’s dog so then their dog can have its own dog, which is a miniature version of itself. There’s a special place in hell for the people that work at ...
Before that night — or the curvature of that night, those fuzzy outlines once again — I cared. I cared about my family; I cared about my friends; I cared (too much) about my ex-lovers; I ...
My sister, brother and I grew up on 80 acres of flat, rich soil, in a climate so arid that it wouldn’t have been farmable if it had not been for the vast underground water source called the Ogallala ...
Yep, I’m wandering a deserted wasteland, trying to figure out why I, a male in his twenties, is drawn to this show about pregnant teens. Dotting the landscape here are the show’s slight weekly variab...
Since they felt that the club’s success was also the race’s success, the bigger picture was always kept in mind. When the Alpha Big Five played basketball it was about much more than just the game ...
An elderly contestant dies during a particularly heated immunity challenge. His tribe members unanimously attempt to vote him off during the next tribal council, but they can’t write his name down be...
Buy enough Pringles to fill a kiddie pool. Fill a kiddie pool with Pringles. Get into a bathing suit, as if one were to wade inside a kiddie pool. Get inside the kiddie pool face-first and begin chew...
Cruise: Just, you know, that I’m a moving target, that I’m the prey of every pedophile that ever walked this earth, that I’m destined for drug addiction at ten and prostitution at 11 and an Oscar at ...
I’m not talking about discounted movie tickets or other little AARP perks. I’m talking about the less obvious though far more alluring boons that are available to only those with 80 or more birthdays...
In a flash, it’s six hours later and I know the words to all of One Direction’s songs and I hate Finchel and I think bowties are cool and I want Sherlock to shag the bejesus out of John W...
I love last words, or at least am fascinated by last words. Here is part one of a potentially infinite series in which I write about people’s dying utterances, so to speak. “That guy̵...
I assembled a team of high school dropouts to tell me what would shake them out of their literary apathy and convince them to buy an actual book with words in it. Almost every person responded with &...
The Daily Beast snagged interviews with more than 70 past top-12 contestants, and their words tell us more than we probably need to know about how hard it is to be a singer-songwriter in America, muc...
The first time I got drunk and threw up was the first time I was abroad: I was in Prague, and I was 17. I lied and told the people I was with that I had been drunk before, but I hadn’t and I overdid ...
It’s also time that you two “had the talk.” But in this case, “the talk” is about how you need more dish soap, and you’re really sorry that you forgot to put it on the list, but you didn’t think she ...
Hell hath no fury like a hungry drunk girl. A drunk girl who wants (NEEDS) food is more dangerous then an angry dinosaur who wants her stolen egg back. When I started this post, I was going to write ...
The tip I found most upsetting was “Try placing a donut on your man’s shaft. Then go down on him while slowly devouring the tasty treat.” You see, Cosmo, I have Celiac’s Disease, which means I can’t ...
To this day I often inspect my underwear for creepy crawlies before making contact. Here is a non-exhaustive list I kept of the things that grossed me out while on my post- college journey of self-di...
But the thing that makes this particular video really unfunny is the venue: The Lincoln City Council chambers. And the nearly five minutes Lincoln council members spent listening to and watching this...
When trains are slow and people have forgotten or don’t like their books and their smartphones don’t have service, I imagine they can more readily convince themselves of their own capacity for evil. ...
First of all, I’d just like to thank you for taking time out your busy schedule to express concern for the fact that I am indeed not wearing a bra. I do appreciate the myriad of ways you broach the t...
You’re going to give your heart to a few people who don’t deserve it. Then, one day you’ll come to your senses and ask them to give it back. You can’t date a jerk and expect t...
My phys-ed teachers totally hated me, and frankly, I don’t blame them — I played with my hair during capture the flag, shamelessly got myself tagged out within the first 30 seconds of dodgeball...
But there are the fears. And yes, life has gone on without you. And the longer you stay in your new home, the more profound those changes will become. A very dependable feature of people who live abr...
What I actually said seems like something a fetishist would ask of a specialty hooker. We’ve all been there. We mean to say something flattering or funny and it just comes off coo-coo bananas. ...
A week after I graduated, I was on a transatlantic flight to London for a three-week trip across Western Europe. I traveled because I expected new cities to whisper some ancestral secret to me. I exp...
Send them YouTube clips of songs you like in Gchat. Feel like these songs will make them understand you more, uncover some secret they had always wanted to know about you. Meet on OKCupid but tell ev...
In college, I pledged a sorority — and spent the next four memorable years pretending I wasn’t the world’s most inept sorority girl. Here’s a quick and dirty inventory of the actually valuable ...
I have no idea why I said this, but before I knew it I had sneered, “Give me a break, Gosling!” cinemafestival / Shutterstock.com Although it’s true that you never forget how to ride a bi...
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