When I went to Papua New Guinea in 2009, I met a villager who asked me the name of my homeland. I told her the USA and she asked, “The United States of Africa?” Then she smiled and tried to sell me t...
Maybe it’s because my father played the piano while I was living in my mom’s belly. Maybe that’s why. He serenaded her on their first date. Music lived in his fingers, and it lulled me to sleep when ...
It was my birthday week! I was over here getting older. What were you doing? I didn’t write anything, although I do have some new insights about age (hint: it’s not so bad). In the meanti...
Regardless of religion or politics, I think we can all agree that humans are animals. I’m not saying we evolved from chimps. I’m simply saying we are alive. We have to eat and shit to stay alive. We ...
(before) I haven’t spent more than twenty dollars on an item of clothing since 2008. Or even before that. Or pretty much ever. I think my prom dress was $300, and I still feel guilty about it (Sorry,...
There’s something weird about mother-daughter relationships. Daughters often say they don’t want to be like their mothers. Mothers often cultivate an obsession with buying their daughters clothing fr...
My great aunt died last week. Beverly Jean Gedda Harper. She was an observer. A quiet smiler. A believer. I didn’t see her too often, but I wish I had. She was a peaceful keeper of so many answ...
I don’t know how a writer knows when she’s reached the pinnacle of her career, but I’m pretty sure I have. I have written what some might call an opus, what others might call an embarrassment, and wh...
Do cops get frustrated because we’re always driving really slowly in front of them? Am I pathetic for feeling really sorry for MySpace, pay phones and Luke Perry? Why hasn’t someone invented a word t...
I have an unhealthy relationship with Facebook. Sometimes I think, “Wow. A chick from high school algebra ran a marathon!” And other times, I’m like, “Who are these people?” I don’t mean to brag, but...
A man crossed the street in front of my car yesterday. Since I was hiding behind my windshield, I had a rare opportunity to stare at him without the possibility of awkward accidental eye contact. He ...
I spent Valentine’s Day alone. Yeah, so? It was only because I had plans with Whitney Houston. They suddenly fell through. It is so strange that so many people think staying alone on Valentine&...
LA is big. It’s all spread out, and some people refuse to go from one side to the other. It’s a maze of anonymity. I’m in a cafe right now surrounded by laptops. Clicking and more clicking. Nobody lo...
Thanks to everyone who supported me last week in my existential crisis. My feelings had been boiling over, and I needed to write them all out. I feel much better now that I’ve pissed my feelings all ...
A few weeks ago, I published an article on Tiny Buddha, an online magazine for spiritual enthusiasts. It was an old blog post that I sent in for fun. The editor edited out a few jokes (ugh, I hate wh...
My existential crisis is almost over. Allllmost. I can feel my questions coming to an end. Maybe. I still don’t know why I’m not a diving instructor in the Dominican Republic or a sherpa ...
You know those times when you wonder what you’re doing with your life and decide to move to Alaska where you won’t know anyone and you want to change your name to Michelle or Maria or som...
Every single New Year’s Eve, I marvel at how a whole year has passed since the last one. Wasn’t it just 2010? Wasn’t it just 1990? Wasn’t I JUST praying for it to be 2001 so I...
Did Joseph ever doubt Mary? A little bit? “Hey, I’m, uh, a virgin but I’m pregnant. It’s God’s baby though. Swear.” Come on. Has anyone on Maury Provich ever tried...
Last year I wrote about my home-selling heartbreak. The house where I formed into being was going on the market. I found it painful to say goodbye to the tree that was planted on the day I was born a...
This week was weird. I have since been fired from the cubicle I so feared last week. It wasn’t because I said derogatory things about said cubicle. It was simply because I am a freelancer and t...
They say that when you want to really see something, you should step away from it and come back later. I’m not sure they really meant ‘cubicle’ when they said such things. But I’m gonna say that’s ex...
I realized yesterday that Thanksgiving is quite an American holiday. We’re already known for overeating, and on this special day we get together so we can overeat in front of people. It’s just like e...
Saturday was the 13th Annual International Survivors of Suicide Day. “Survivors?” My friend asked. “That’s the wrong word.” But it isn’t. Every 40 seconds someone ...
I’ve lived in LA for almost 14 years now. I’ve left to go try other places during those 14 years, but I always come back. I never mean to come back, but I do. Here I am. Hi! Since I’ve been her...
Last week was the year anniversary of Taboo Tales. Years really sneak up on you. One day you’re seven and teaching your Barbies how to have sex in the back of their Ferrari. And the next day you’re t...
Many times I’ve questioned my status as an adult. My ability to continuously lapse my health insurance serves as a frequent reminder that being in my thirties could possibly be an adulthood facade. H...
I had a realization the other day: I’m a douche bag. I don’t use that term lightly. I don’t really even like that term. But, in this particular case, it was the only way I could describe mysel...
Sometimes I perform this live to illustrate how funny humans are. I thought I’d post it here too: When my friend asked me to be her bridesmaid, I said yes. In my near 30 years of life nobody ha...
Why does everyone my age look so old lately? Is it a coincidence that bananas are always 69 cents/lb? Does my mailman think I’m smart because I get The Atlantic? Does my mailman think I’m hot because...
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