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Nightmares and Boners
nightmaresandboners.com
91
Dating, sex, and confusion for the uninitiated and initiated alike.
#15223 in All , #90 in Humor

You Can’t Put Your Arms Around A Memory

As I rode the bus last night I reflected on how 2012 was going so far: the feeling of being busy, genuinely, crazily, busy, felt good. For once in my life I felt a little closer to the Miranda July c...

21 may 12

How To Deal With Rejection In A Totally Mature Manner As Befits A Young Woman Of Your Standing

Those cunts. Those absolute cunts. Those fucktard cuntbucket jizz stinking cunts who rejected you. How dare they look into the wonder that you are, and say “No thanks, I’d rather watch fo...

14 may 12 1 person likes this

Silence Is Not An Answer

One morning I was walking to the station with a one night stand from the night before, and as I turned to go through the barriers he asked for my phone number. “Do you really want my number?...

10 apr 12 3 people like this

From One Stone Cold Fox To Another: An Open Letter To Samantha Brick

Dear Ms Brick, For all Twitter professes to hate the Daily Mail, I would guess at least 60% of it’s daily hits come directly from left-wing do-gooders like me, who have read some ludicrous arti...

03 apr 12

Here Are Some Reasons Why You Don’t Have A Boyfriend

YOU AREN’T FUCKING TRYING. I probably should have saved this bombshell for later but seriously, seriously? You want to know why you don’t have one? Think about it. When was the last time ...

02 apr 12 4 people like this

You Can Always Go Downtown

I was going to write a really interesting, witty, provocative, blog post about all the things I’ve learnt while doing this Lent challenge, when I realised there was only one thing I wanted to t...

22 mar 12

Get That Dirt Off Your Shoulder

While generally sticking visual identifiers on people which alert you to perceived negative faults is a no-no (see Nazis), there is something to be said for a ‘douchebag’ sticker that som...

05 mar 12

Why and How I’m Giving Up Sex For Lent

Now I know we’re two days into Lent already, so this post isn’t terribly topical, but sometimes a good idea doesn’t hit you straight away. Having not given up anything for Lent for ...

23 feb 12

The Tyranny of The Text Message

“Well, actually, of course, a telephone is a fantastically rude thing. I mean, it’s like going, [banging rhythmically on desk] “Speak to me now, speak to me now, speak to me now!...

08 feb 12

Hide And Go Seek

Picture the scene: you’re alone in a room that isn’t your own. You know that you have 20 or so minutes entirely to yourself. A computer is open in front of you. There are notebooks and sc...

02 feb 12

How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Porn (And My Own Body)

The first time I watched porn I was twelve. It was a grainy video of some German couples in lingerie and during the extended closeups of their genitalia I remember thinking it looked like lunch meat....

27 jan 12

Ten Stupid Things I’ve Done To Try And Get Someone To Go Out With Me

10. Pretended I liked Cro-Mags 9. Was told by a minor celebrity that they fancied my date. Later in the evening told my date that the reason minor celebrity was staring at him was because she thought...

10 jan 12

Solar Powered Hijinks

Those of you who have used vibrators will be aware that there is what I term a ‘burn your clit off’ setting on each one. Most of the time this is a last resort option, an “I’v...

21 dec 11

Take A Hint: Bitches Leave

A friend of mine is a nice guy, in fact I’d say he’s one of the most caring, thoughtful people I know. Spending time with him is always one the highlights of my week since he is as hilari...

14 dec 11

I Would Die 4 U or How To Send a Message On A Dating Site

You look intelligent but your writing is pretty dumb. Your second photo doesn’t look too bad. Are your lips real? You look utterly fuckable. Want to swap dirty pics? Are you down to fuck? No, t...

07 dec 11

How To Ruin Your Favourite Buzzband

A few summers ago I got super into that drone thing. I bought a tie-dye dress, spent most of my time listening to Pocahaunted, and got stoned way way too often. Sadly, no-one I knew really got into t...

05 dec 11

It’s Like My Heart Is Getting Hard

Only a few weeks ago I was talking about how awesome it is to date a handful of people at once. I extolled the virtues of flitting from one tangle to another, and now here I am, about to tell you all...

02 dec 11

Adventures in Contraception

As a teenager I had bad skin. Not just bad, but “What the hell is up with that girl, is she ill?” bad. I tried everything from drinking 3l of water a day, through smearing perfume on my f...

29 nov 11

Feminism, Sex, Abortion, and Twilight’s Breaking Dawn

This blog post gives away major plot points from both the Breaking Dawn film and book, do not read on if that bothers you! Last night I went to see Breaking Dawn, the penultimate instalment in the Tw...

24 nov 11

Happy Birthday To Me!

It is traditional to make New Years Resolutions around January, what with it being a ‘new year’ and what not, I’ve decided that today, my birthday, is my personal New Year’s D...

22 nov 11

I’m Shopping For Blood

Some of you may have noticed I am prone to hyperbole. When I said that someone fingerbanged me for seven hours, it may have been only three. Equally I do not really think E. Jean Carroll is a lush. S...

18 nov 11

My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

When I was 12 I discovered masturbation. Even at such a young, innocent, age, my fantasies were both slightly perverted and totally hackneyed. I was a naughty, naughty, girl, and my teacher wanted to...

16 nov 11

What Do I Want? I Don’t Fucking Know

Every time I think about ‘what I want’ from a relationship I get confused. I think about how I’m hungry. Or how I’d quite like a puppy. Or about maybe we might have bedbugs ag...

12 nov 11

Three Is The Magic Number

Although, early on in this blog’s life I declared ‘three is not the magic number’ now I want to take that back. Three is an excellent number, but not if there’s three of you g...

09 nov 11

Shave The Best Till Last

The day I first shaved my legs is etched on my mind forever: it was summer, the first genuinely hot day of the year, and I was sat in the front seat of my Mum’s car looking down at my pasty leg...

03 nov 11

How To Conduct A Relationship Online

Make sure everyone knows all of your business. There is little people love more than seeing happiness and joy spread all over a social networking site! Please, please, take a photo and share it! Ohmy...

31 oct 11

Do You Come Here Often?

Let me set the scene: I am in a supermarket in Guadalajara, it is only my 6th day in Mexico, and I am staring at the cereal aisle in awe. What are all of these things? I reached out and touched one l...

29 oct 11

What I Haven’t Learned In Two Years of Sex Blogging

Two years ago I was at Latitude Festival with Andrew Kendall. We were both working and therefore not drinking, I was also unknowingly coming down with Swine Flu, and so we spent a long time wandering...

26 oct 11 1 person likes this

Do I Love You? Really Love You?

There are so many different people to date. There are the kind you smuggle to your house at 4am in a cab and sneak out again under the cover of darkness. The ones that you bump into your friends with...

19 oct 11

Last Night A Speed Date Saved My Life

There is a rite of passage all people who write about dating must go through. A harrowing spectacle which only the strongest will survive. A show of strength, skill, and wit beyond measure. That̵...

17 oct 11

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