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bitches gotta eat.
bitchesgottaeat.blogspot.com
19
i write about tacos, hot dudes, garbage-ass dudes, good music, and diarrhea. and sometimes other stuff.
#66396 in All

when can you fart in a new persons bed?

FARTING IS SO GODDAMNED SCARY. for normal adult women with healthy self-esteem and a positive outlook on life, spending the night with a dashing paramour is an exciting milestone that not only solidi...

5 days ago

men are simple creatures, darling.

before he died, my father never once sat me down to give me "man advice." my dad was SERIOUSLY MANLY. a grizzled korean war vet, this dude didnt do soft shit like "eat fruit"...

6 days ago

adventures in sexting.

the information superhighway is littered with pictures of my tits. good ones, bad ones, ones where my nipples are obscured by my belly button or caught in the elastic wais

23 may 12

cockblocking fools!

issue ten. damn, have you seen this bitch lately? no?! well NEITHER HAVE I, and thats mostly because she has a new boyfriend and no longer has time to sit in dark rooms doing shots out of my boobs an...

10 may 12

my steamy sex fantasy.

"hey sam, what is your steamiest sexual fantasy?" a couple weeks ago i was eating a sandwich at the nail salon, and eve posed this question to me from the pages of some trashy magazine she wa...

03 may 12

me and all my bullshit.

its always the worst when your homeboys get girlfriends. jeff texted me last week to see if i wanted to "catch up over a burger." hmph. that motherfucker has been ignoring me now that he has ...

03 may 12

basically, i am made of sex.

in general, i am not a horny person. is sex interesting and enjoyable? absolutely. would i rather be in bed with a bag of korean tacos than spending an evening bird-dogging dudes with a spanx pulled ...

24 apr 12

how to fake an orgasm.

issue nine. GODDAMN IM BAD AT THIS WRITING SHIT. five or six weeks without a magazine post?! that is downright blasphemous. in my defense, though, im totally fucking lazy. i wish i had some sexy...

19 apr 12

dear white people, i love you.

i fucking love white people. as a matter of fact, having grown up surrounded by your legion on the rough, tree-lined streets on chicago’s north shore, i wasn’t really even aware that i wasn...

04 apr 12

the great penis avenger.

OH MAN, this shit right here. at one-thirty sunday morning i was up doing laundry and obviously winning at life when i got a text message from an asshole. the laundry room in my building is fucking t...

29 mar 12

funny girl.

last week i got to open for baratunde thurston. if you arent sure who that is, or why my stomach almost fell out of my butt at the fucking prospect, let me introduce you to him. okay, so im not ...

02 mar 12

im ugly.

for as long as i can remember, my thighs have touched. i was a super fat chunk of a baby, and i was the fattest fucking little kid. the "baby fat" I was supposed to have grown out o...

21 feb 12

valentines day survival guide.

yesterday was my birthday. i really dont give a fuck about getting older, because the closer i get to the age where its perfectly acceptable to wear elastic-waist pants in public in the middle o...

11 feb 12

im done dating forever.

i know how to write about a horrible fucking date. seriously, ive got that shit down to a science: first i have to skewer whatever misguided friend of mine tried to be a decent human being and give a...

09 feb 12

youre just like a sister to me!

issue seven. at the gynecologist a couple weeks ago i learned, from an abandoned magazine left behind in the waiting room, how to turn my bathroom into a mini vacation. did you know that just by purc...

17 jan 12 1 person likes this

you need to stop fucking dudes who dont read.

happy new year, bitches. its finally 2012, and i fully expect to be as salty and miserable as i was last goddamned year. life only gets worse, right? im about to turn 32 in a month and i have no idea...

04 jan 12 1 person likes this

blind dates are for adorable people.

this is how a man sets you up on a blind date: last weekend i was in the car with caitlin and ron coming home from smoque, where i almost decided to give up on men entirely and marry a piece of their...

27 dec 11

christmas is not for pussies.

the hellidays are the motherfucking worst. no bigger reminder of what an unloved orphan you are than the most wonderful time of the goddamned year. seriously, from november through fucking march i wa...

14 dec 11

attack of the killer ladybrain.

its finally obvious to me that i need to go ahead and put a down payment on a goddamned lobotomy. is anyone still doing those? a shady-ass "neurosurge on" in russia or...

08 dec 11

scrawny dudes with no chest hair.

issue six. i need a motherfucking break. oh, i know i know, "FROM WHAT, ASSHOLE?" and youre probably right, why do i deserve a goddamned vacation? the truth is, im not even tired. and i ...

02 dec 11

when is it okay to fart in a new dudes bed?

i dont sleep cute. i know there are those women who lie on their backs with their hands folded demurely over their hearts, faces perfectly arranged in placid serenity: mouth sweetly closed; long eyel...

25 nov 11

my vaginas name is "rap beefs."

if she wants me to, i will totally write your moms match.com profile. moms fucking love me. im not even really sure what it is that i do, but menopausal women fucking swoon over me. maybe its my into...

23 nov 11

lets only fuck unicorns.

women fucking love lists. my apartment is littered with them: imaginary grocery lists, imaginary target lists, imaginary sams club lists; lists of bills i need to pay, lists of books i need to read, ...

16 nov 11

how to survive a break-up.

last night i let one of my ladyfriends look at my okcupid profile. and i know what a huge mistake that is, letting someone who knows me see what a motherfucking jackass i am when it comes to advertis...

10 nov 11

new sex rules for 2012.

omg omg omg, holy omfg, its already 11/11? WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL HAVE I BEEN DOING?! making peanut butter sandwiches in lieu of cooking a real dinner, making pretty decent progress sounding out t...

02 nov 11

way to bro me, dude.

a couple weeks ago i got shoulder-clapped. by a hot dude i kind of wanted to see without his pants on. my heart sank immediately. why, you wonder? well, according to merriam-webster, one of the defin...

27 oct 11

bitch, you need prozac.

issue five. i want more sneering on my magazine covers, please. for reals, cant we make some shit called, "bitches with attitudes weekly?" it would just be page after page of menstruating jer...

26 oct 11

lets bang chicks at weight watchers.

i could be a goddamned hostage negotiator. every sunday when i am doing my shopping for the week at 7-eleven, i dont have any motherfucking children so SHUT UP ASSHOLE, and i make my way around the ...

12 oct 11

pubic hair is gross, apparently.

if you are unfortunate enough to have been born with a vagina, and you would like to attract the positive attention of a man, here is a list of what you absolutely must do in order to be conside...

05 oct 11

HOLY SHIT, I AM HAVING A BABY.

if you squint really hard you might be able to just make out his tiny little embryo penis. JUST KIDDING, BITCH. the only things i might have floating around my belly are a couple tacos and five ...

22 sep 11

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