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Cooking for Assholes
cookingforassholes.blogspot.com
8
You suck at cooking. You fuck up rice. You think Cayenne is that fat bitch from around the way and Old Bay is the piece of shit that keeps calling the cops on you and your boys. Stop being such a fucking loser and grow a brain. Cooking is easy as shit. Learn it.
#147988 in All

Food Newswire: US Citizen on Mexican Food Tour Unwittingly Sleeps with Hooker Due to Language Barri...

On a recent vacation to Puerta Vallarta, US food tourist Andrew Cason got the bright idea to leave the comfort of his pimp-ass all-inclusive resort to discover the true culinary flavor of the city ju...

19 h ago

Food Newswire: Bourdain to Create New Spinoff Show, The Lavatory

Earlier this week the food news blog Eater.com announced that Anthony Bourdain, the junkie line cook turned cult leader, will begin filming on yet another spinoff of his show No Reservations.  U...

1 day ago

Mini-Chickens with a Strawberry Chipotle Glaze

2Tbl Butter1/4th Large White Onion, minced4 Garlic Cloves, minced1 Pint Strawberries, quartered4 Chipotle Peppers in Adobo, diced1/2c Honey1/4c White SugarSalt1/4th Lime, juiced2 Mini-ChickensMini-ch...

1 day ago

Food Newswire: Woman Claiming to be Allergic to Gluten Unwittingly Eats Gluten, Nothing Happens.

Kendall Summer, a self-absorbed attention whore, always makes sure to let everyone within a 30 foot radius know she is completely and utterly gluten intolerant.  Her psychosomatic ailment arose ...

6 days ago

Huevos Americanos

ChorizoCorn Black BeansWhite OnionLime JuiceEggsCorn TortillasWith a title like this the dish should probably be a football sized microwave burrito that requires you to unhinge your jaw and deep thro...

24 may 12

Food Newswire: Famed Molecular Gastronomist Opens “Les Habits Neufs de L’Empereur” in NYC

Massay Douchant, the critically acclaimed molecular gastronomist, opened his highly anticipated experimental restaurant in SoHo this week.  According to the official press release,“The menu is p...

24 may 12

Shrimp Tacos

Chili PowderPaprikaCuminCorianderCay enneVegetable OilAdobo Sauce1lb Shrimp, deveined and peeledCorn TortillasCilantroWhite OnionLime Wedges      Mix all the spices with the ve...

17 may 12

Crawfish Creampie

ButterFlourOnionGarlicOld BayCrawfish StockHeavy CreamCream CheeseSaltLemon JuiceSavory Pie Crust“That’s disgusting, dude.”  What?  “The name of the dish.  It conjures up pornographic ...

05 may 12

Crawfish Stock OR Louisiana Tea

I had a bunch of crawfish heads left over from a dish I was making but rather than discard them like some chicken-brained mongoloid such as yourself, I decided to make stock.  It’s incredibly ea...

03 may 12

Kitchen Cabinet Cookies

2c Flour1 3/4c Oats2/3c Cocoa Powder2tsp Baking Powder2 Sticks of Butter, chilled and diced3/4c Peanut Butter, not the hippie kind1 1/2c Brown SugarHoney, a couple big squeezes1 1/2tsp Vanilla2 EggsC...

26 apr 12

Drunk Ass Dessert

A few weeks ago I allegedly got super wasted and when I woke up my kitchen was a mess.  I started to piece together the puzzle when I found some near illegible chicken scratch in my notebook whi...

25 apr 12

Duck Liver Pate OR Shit Smoothie

2Tbl Duck Fat or Butter1/2 White or Yellow Onion, minced4 Garlic Cloves, minced1/2tsp Provence Herbs1/4c Red Wine.5lb Duck LiverKosher Salt & Cracked Black Pepper, lotsMost morons, i.e. you, thin...

10 apr 12

Slooze 1: The British Colonialist

2c Boiling Water4 Bags of Green Tea1/3c Sugar2c Tonic WaterJuice from 2 Large Limes1c Rotgut Gin, stored in the freezerMy first thought when an ice cream maker crossed thethreshold into my kitchen wa...

08 apr 12

Pig Face Pasta

1/2lb Guanciale or Smoked Jowl, diced1/2 Onion, minced3 Garlic Cloves, minced1/4c White Wine2 Egg Yolks1/4c Heavy Cream1c Hard Italian Cheese, gratedPig face is a delightful cut of meat whose price h...

05 apr 12

Holy Mackerel

Red Potatoes, dicedWhite Onion, dicedGarlic, mincedTomatoes, dicedRed Wine, oldDried ParsleyOreganoRed Pepper FlakesSalt & PepperMackerel\BreadOne day on the shore of Galilee, Jesus had just fini...

04 apr 12

Episode 3: Hipster Pancakes

Make these after the morning banjo jam session on the front porch of your group home. Watch it.The original Hipster Pancakes post can be found here.

29 mar 12

Episode 2 - Pulled Pork

Here is another video for your viewing enjoyment.  Watch it.Supplementary Recipes:Vinegar Based BBQ SauceColeslaw

23 mar 12

Smores Ice Cream

14oz Marshmallow Fluff2c Whole Milk1c Heavy Cream1tsp Vanilla Extract3/4c Chocolate chunks1c Graham Crackers, broken into piecesI recently procured an ice cream machine and it is the bestkitchen gadg...

21 mar 12

Cooking for Assholes - Episode 1: Elvis Dick

Let the episodes begin.  Watch it.

15 mar 12

Red Beans & Rice

4 Strips Thick Cut Bacon, uncooked & diced1 Can Red Beans, undrained2c Water1c Rice1/2 White or Yellow Onion, diced1/2 Jalapeno, mincedHealthy Splash of White Vinegar1 Bay Leaf1tbl Paprika1tsp Cu...

08 mar 12

Cinnamon Honey Cookies

1 1/2c Oatmeal1c Flour2tsp Baking Powder1tsp Saigon Cinnamon 1/2tsp Salt1 Stick Butter, softened3/4c Brown Sugar1/3c Honey1 EggMix the dry ingredients.  Cream the wet ingredients.  Mix the ...

06 mar 12

Tacos del Ojete

3.36lb Pork Shoulder (Boston Butt), salted1/2 White Onion, diced20oz Can of Diced Pineapple, with juice1/8c White VinegarJuice from 2 Large Limes2 Habanero Peppers, minced1 1/2tsp Kosher SaltWhen it ...

02 mar 12

Dried Fruit Platter

Put some fucking dried fruit on a goddamn platter, supergenius. 

15 feb 12

Tacogaritas

4oz TacoquilaJuice from 1 Big Ass LimeIceMargarita Monday can nowflow directly into Taco Tuesday without interruption. The Tacogarita isnutritious, delicious, and boozalicious. It doesn’t need any pa...

04 feb 12

Tacoquila

1lb Ground Beef1/2 White Onion, diced1 Garlic Clove, sliced1 Medium Jalapeno, diced2tbl Chili Powder2tsp Paprika2tsp Cumin, your mouth2c Tequila BlancoEvery fucking yuppiecocktail bar has a wall full...

04 feb 12

Backyard Eggs

There are tons of hippies in Portland with nothing better todo than smoke reefer and play in their backyard. The most fashionable trend in“urban gardening” is chicken husbandry. I’ve had backyard egg...

28 jan 12

Steak with Creamy Mushrooms and Romanesco

1 Head RomanescoVegetable OilSalt & Pepper1/2c White Wine2 Garlic Cloves, minced1/2 Small Yellow Onion, mincedA Handful or Two of Fancy MushroomsSalt1/2c Whole Milk or Heavy Cream  “Wha...

13 jan 12

Yak Burgers with White Truffles

1/2tsp Dijon Mustard2tbl White Wine3 Egg Yolks, reserve the whites1/2oz Oregon White Truffles, shavedSalt1/2c Extra Virgin Olive Oil1lb Ground Yak3 Egg WhitesFresh Bread CrumbsI checked out the new P...

13 jan 12

Gooze

1c Clear Creek Apple Brandy1/2c Goose Fat.Since reserving the fat from my Christmas Goose I have been onthe lookout for interesting applications. This total moron I know and[unfortunately] lives near...

10 jan 12

Goose Juice Soup

2tbl Goose Fat10 Red Potatoes, cut into 1/8ths1 Yellow Onion, diced3 Pints Goose Juice2 Pints Water1 Bunch Italian Kale, roughly chopped1 Bunch Red Chard, roughly choppedReserved Goose Meat, shredded...

05 jan 12

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