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A Mission for Beauty Pro-Ana
americaneaglelove-missionbeauty.blogspot.com
2
A starving body, a mind overwhelmed. A thousand details coming together to form a fragile illusion of perfection.
#440211 in All

Catharsis

"To play this piece, you had to have experienced heartbreak, romantic heartbreak," my violin teacher tells me. But I prefer the piano. It is solid and difficult to move and reassuring. I have...

10 may 12

buried

Dirt presses heavily and suffocatingly over me, a hundred and four pounds of excess. Digging my way out, escaping with my skeleton and leaving my decomposing body underground. My knees touch, interru...

21 apr 12

"borderline between what and what?"

My entire life could be etched into the wooden cracking frame of my bed, imprinted into the mattress, and intertwined with the covers. Intense energy excites me until I am too restless to drown in th...

22 mar 12

passion and detachment

"Ive never heard silence like this," she whispers. "Ive never seen stars like this," I say. Against the icy hardness of the dock, we lie parallel to the broken glass waters. A dome of...

12 mar 12

back

Im sorry, sorry, sorry for being away for a while, too long. Ive thought of this place often, thought of the beautiful people often with that aching feeling in my heart, but stayed away for reasons I...

05 mar 12

dear Santa

His hands are fire, but the freezing picnic table sends shivers through my body, a bed surrounded by curtains of trees. We lie facing the sky above, the stars become a thousand iridescent strands of ...

26 dec 11

double zero

Faded frayed pale blue size two jeans, lifelessly hanging like a corpse. Its been months since theyve left the darkness of the closet. New stiff dark navy skinny jeans, double zero, on my legs, hangi...

06 dec 11

broken wrist, broken spirit

I follow the train tracks, like bare empty bones, like ribs, fire colored trees on either side. Dry leaves breaking, the only sound I hear. The tracks pass under a bridge, and I pause. Bright, obscen...

17 nov 11

red lines etched over purple bruises

pages from my journalOctober 31stUnseen raindrops fall lightly around me, yellow rays from the streetlights weakly shine through the blackness and disappear. Navy dress and boots. Waiting has become ...

05 nov 11

black and purple

Bruises up and down my arms, painful and purple. Only two yesterday morning, several more now, and I have no memory of getting injured there. Bruises up and down my mind, painful and black; blood wel...

26 oct 11

for the beautiful ones

for Sam Lupin, whose words, words not simply black against the oblivion of white, but words of a thousand shades, the color of flickering heat smoldering on dry logs, the indescribable color of the s...

16 oct 11

all the little things

and its strange how now, after spending much too long at my lowest point, theres everything to live for. Because life IS worth it. Because I am worth it. Because YOU are worth it. Choose life, always...

04 oct 11

"darkness is drawn to darkness"

It lurks inside me, a black layer struggling to break through the surface. It attracts people with the same darkness inside. We size each other up while keeping ourselves contained inside neat little...

28 sep 11

dancing like nobody is watching (Cinnamon Brown, please read!)

Im sorry I have been away for a while, I promise to catch up on your blogs soon!Trapped behind these thin glass walls of a mirror, alone with your thoughts, it gets isolating. And when you shatt...

29 aug 11

I never thought I would be the one

I never thought I would be the one to find myself, index finger forced to the back of the throat, my knees against the cold white floor tiles, surrendering. Looking in the mirror afterwards, I w...

22 aug 11

restless

She screamed while they sewed up her mouth, until she couldnt anymore. The girl we were babysitting slept in the other room, my friend and I watching the sick scene of the horror movie, me wishing I ...

17 aug 11

not ready

The rough carpet scratching against my bare back, his weight on top of me, kissing through the taste of energy drinks and the tired confusion of 4 a.m. I dont want to be here, but theres nowhere else...

13 aug 11

Measurements

The tape measurer winding its way around my body, for the very first time.Chest: 31 inchesWaist: 24 inchesHip: 33 inches"Size double zero right?" she asked as she reached for a pair of dark b...

10 aug 11

cross country

I see the world through eyes that dont seem to belong to me anymore, a long road ahead, raindrops of sweat dotting the sidewalk, the vagueness of houses and trees that recede as I run past. Like rein...

06 aug 11

"you never come back, not all the way"

"You never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad."-Mar...

31 jul 11

the city never sleeps

Covered in darkness, they walk by, their faces illuminated by the bright shop windows and glowing signs. The feeling of the damp, freshly rained-on streets through my sandals as I walk quickly over t...

24 jul 11

suicidal?

I once wrote a post about suicide, asked everyone to promise theywouldnt take their own life. Im truly sorry for being a hypocrite, Ireally tried to stay positive, but this life is overwhelming, Im t...

15 jul 11

"dont fall, I see lights in the distance"

My size zero shorts are falling off my hips, Im afraid to carry anything in the pockets, in case it might weigh them down completely. Ive started running again. As I run on the treadmill, I feel...

08 jul 11

the world wasnt shaking, it was me

Her steady hand drew dark brown eyeliner around my eyes, as I stared into the darkness of my closed eyelids and thought about how I could avoid breakfast. "Open slightly," she said, as my oth...

07 jul 11

Im back

Ive missed you all incredibly. Im about to read through all your comments on the posts while I was away and catch up on all your lovely blogs. I would really love it if you would leave a comment tell...

03 jul 11

the start of a madness

Where did it begin? The roots of anorexia are tangled in knots, wrapped around and strangling my identity, like a parasite. I suspect anorexia may have always been a part of me, buried deep within my...

26 jun 11

"Shhh," she said. "Im sleeping."

"Just like that. From a hundred miles an hour to asleep in a nanosecond. I wanted to so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not even have sex. Just s...

22 jun 11

"Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia"

 Lets create our future. Lets live for a more beautiful, brighter, more lovely world. Lets start today, we can do this, and we will. (I am still away, this post was pre-written and schedule...

17 jun 11

slowly, I let myself die

Anorexia. The first word I saw. A neat row of books with pages that had gone untouched for too long, lined up. On a whim, I picked up one, opened it and my eating disorder jumped out at me. "Ther...

14 jun 11

"her beating heart became a boom"

My excitement, my aliveness is struggling to stay contained inside me, co-existing with the tight grasp and boundaries of the eating disorder. I have not faced the internal conflict within, I am...

12 jun 11

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