Whoa Nellie…first thing’s first. And first…don’t try to hard. That’s right. Trying too hard takes the fun out of what you’re trying to accomplish.
“Who is Debbie and since when did you start eating meat and drinking carbonated beverages again?” I asked my 5 year old. “Oh…I forgot, you’re Debbie and all that waterme...
Oh yeah…I did. Totally… I used to wake up to alarm clocks, friends calling to go tubing down the river, the sun shining in my room or even all by myself without any assistance. Now? On mo...
Short…sweet and to the point… You all have made a difference in my life The Most Important Person on earth is a mother. She cannot claim the honor of having built Notre Dame Cathedral. Sh...
Why yes son, yes it is. And thanks for not pointing out the obvious or anything. Traitor… Look, I get that vanity is a sin and all, but I see nothing wrong with the occasional compliment or even a li...
“Um, I’d like to blame it on jogging and a huge rack, but I can’t. To be honest doc, as I was running to the bathroom, I ended up having a massive coughing fit. It was so bad that e...
Ever been sitting on your bathroom floor, rocking yourself back and forth trying to pretend that you can’t hear anymore, when suddenly one of your kids opens the door and says, “Guess what?” Oh God. ...
The last time I was this sick I was 12, had the chicken pox, the stomach flu and a broken arm. Ah…memories. Anyway, having just slept for 16 hours, with the exception of getting up to…uh,...
Ooh, that sounds intimidating, and yet…exciting! Only, it’s not… It’s just facebook ruining my life again. Or at least, I’ve chosen to blame them for my issues. For inst...
This is 2012, not 1954. I’m not stupid ya know. I’m completely aware that there ain’t no jell-o mold or a plate of Pillsbury cookies ala touch of Hershey’s chocolate on the other side of my door. And...
As of last month I am now eligible to meet Asian singles. At least according to my email I am. A week before that it was senior citizens and two weeks before that it was Jewish and African American s...
And here she is…the four year old. Well, she just turned five. Watch till the end to see what she doesn’t want to “fell” off as she does her tap dance to Big Band And Swing In...
My children lack phone etiquette. To date none of them have mastered the words, “She’s in the shower, may I take a message?” Matter of fact, none of them have mastered taking messag...
“Huh? Were you talking to me? Sorry babe…I have to finish putting weather strip on the outdoor fire pit.” My husband replied. “But…honey! I’m wearing my high heels...
“By golly, that is my funnel! Along with your nintendo ds, your brothers board games and your fathers trading cards…” I just want to take a moment to reassure my friends with childr...
“Yeah…forever.R 21; ~ The Fox and The Hound. Believe it or not, Mrsmom is not friendless. I know it seems like I roam amongst the beautiful people alone because I rarely mention my frie...
“WHAT?! Are you high?” I asked with that whole, Deer in the toilet bowl look… This question brought to me at 7:30 am… Right after an argument with my 6 year old over why the o...
If you’re blue and you don’t know where to go to, why don’t you go where fashion sits? Kissing on my grits… Well, if you’re any good with a spud wrench or an ice pick yo...
Ever have a screaming 4 year old thrust their hands into your face and ask, “Mommy…why are my hands blue?” “Um…cause you were washing your baby dolls in the blue water again?” I thi...
“Why thank you children. What is it?” “It’s a beautiful birthday cake we made just for you!” They replied. And with that my 4 and 6 year old’s proudly handed me a ...
“Why?” I asked the voice on the other line. “Did one of them get their arm stuck in the toilets again?” “Toilets?! No, no, no. Your son keeps taking all of the girls cel...
“And I’m so little?” Asked my 4 year old daughter. “Because your father hates me.” I replied. “Well, if’n he hates you, how come he says you should have more...
“Well…get away from them and my grab stun gun before it wants mine!” I told my daughter. “Besides, haven’t I told you never to talk to strangers?” Ah yes…tod...
That’s right. I’ve taken a page from my kids book and decided it’s time for me to fight back against the establishment. I’m even thinking up all of my revolt signs that’...
Life is not fair…I know that. I’ve lived almost every imaginable nightmare known to man. I’ve been sexually abused, beaten, raped, abandoned, held up at gun point, been in a house w...
“But it doesn’t even have my name on it.” I exclaimed. “This says ‘Gordon Fiddideldunk.’ He lives behind the Sip-n-Suds.” “So what?” Replied the ...
“I’m presenting her right now…Daughter, take a bow…” And then she did. Right in front of the garbage collector as I adjusted her car seat covers. Causing a minor mishap ...
“And it ain’t no twins with minty fresh gum,” and off went son #2 to go clean his belly button lint. So I put a pox on the boy and sat down to watch “Deadly Women.” Abou...
“I hope it’s your Uncle Tod’s enema bag. He’s been complaining about his IBS again. Or is it that water spray gun I use on your sister during her tantrums?” “Enema...
Well, I don’t…but I’m sure someone does. I hate when a stupid tune gets stuck in my cranium for like…ever, and nothing short of trying to pop a cap in my cat’s rear end ...
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