I've become my parents

Things my son needs to know before he grows up to be just like me.

What to Expect When You’re Expecting to be a Teenager

What we have: What I wish we had: Dad, I don’t want to be thirteen. Why not? I don’t want to be a teenager. Really? I thought that’s what tweens looked forward to. I’m scared. Oh. Well, why are you...

May 1, 2013 Like

I've become my parents

The Sex Talk Version 2.0

I wonder if it’s too late to have The Talk with my dad. We never really did have that talk, and I know he’s had sex at least 3 times, so it could be interesting to get his perspective on it all. I...

Apr 14, 2013 Like

I've become my parents

Making sense of terrible tween logic

Son, you have the best parents ever. All the other parents are just mumbling under their breath, “I can’t wait until Billy has kids of his own, then he’ll understand. Then it’ll be payback time!”...

Apr 3, 2013 Like

I've become my parents

Please dad, I promise I won’t run over any hookers

You started by crashing your Hot Wheels but that wasn’t enough. You discovered Minecraft and quickly realized that you could build entire cities out of TNT and blow them up. That was cool, but just...

Mar 22, 2013 Like

I've become my parents

When did dances get this complicated?

It’s great to be back! If you’ve just joined us (thank you, by the way), the Editor in Chief, Executive Editor, Head Writer, Creative Director, Best Boy and the entire Pencil Sharpening Team here...

Mar 5, 2013 Like

I've become my parents

While I’m away: a puberty post from the past

…………… Hello, and thank you for contacting I’ve Become My Parents. We are not available to write a post right now. Your post-reading is important to us. Please stay on the blog and a post will be...

Feb 11, 2013 Like

I've become my parents

Human anatomy, the dessert stomach and yaks. Trust me, it’ll make sense when you read it.

DINNER n. - the smallest amount of food that must be eaten in order to qualify for dessert. I’m sorry, son, but dinner is a necessary evil if you want dessert. It’s like suffering through Aunt...

Feb 4, 2013 Like

I've become my parents

One-liners from the Twittersphere: funny tweets I couldn’t let die

Those of you that have been kicking around this place for awhile know that I also waste my time over on Twitter. Twitter started as a way to tell the world what you had for breakfast or what coffee...

Jan 29, 2013 Like

I've become my parents

How Disney made me a liar

The floor under the seats of the local movie theater where I grew up was really quite remarkable. Decades of non-diet soda coated the concrete with a thick layer of sweet syrup. It was like...

Jan 18, 2013 Like

I've become my parents

Because I said so

Son, you used to use the word “why” constantly: “Why is the sky blue?” “Why do dogs lick their weewees?” “Why are you sleeping on the couch again?” You had an insatiable curiosity. Now, “Why?” is...

Jan 8, 2013 Like

I've become my parents

Why I may never pass on my parental wisdom

Son, if you’re going to grow up to be just like me, then you’re destined to be a cynic. You’ll question every motive, assume all facts are suspect until proven otherwise, and treat all salesmen...

Dec 29, 2012 Like

I've become my parents

A monopoly on giving

Son, if you want stuff for Channukah, you’ve got to get rid of some of the things you don’t use anymore. But I use everything. Everything? Yeah, everything. This busted baby toy? You mean to tell...

Dec 18, 2012 Like

I've become my parents

Someday it’ll be worth something

Me: Hey son, welcome home! Mom and I just worked our butts off to make you your favorite dinner! Tadaaaa!—it’s home-made mac and cheese with turkey chili! You: Oh. Me: Oh? Whadya mean, “oh”? You: I...

Dec 10, 2012 Like

I've become my parents

What it means when a girl punches you in the face

OK, listen up, son. We don’t have a lot of time to deal with this. Your testicles are dangerously close to injecting copious amounts of testosterone into your blood stream and you’ve unfortunately...

Dec 1, 2012 Like

I've become my parents

Keeping your kids safe on Black Friday

Happy Black Friday! I hope those that do Thanksgiving enjoyed it and had much to be thankful for. Since it’s a holiday weekend for many IBMP readers, I thought I’d keep it simple today and give you...

Nov 23, 2012 Like

I've become my parents

BREAKING: Grim Reaper announces sweeping changes to Hell-bound transport system

As part of the I’ve Become My Parents book project, I’ve been going back and creating cartoons for older posts. I was working on this cartoon for one of my earliest posts, called Hell in a...

Nov 19, 2012 Like

I've become my parents

In case you missed yesterday’s cartoon

Girls: the only thing keeping boys from thinking they know everything. Happy Thursday! Yesterday, I guest posted over at Sex, Lies and Bacon. Many of you popped over there. For those that may not...

Nov 15, 2012 Like

I've become my parents

Brand-new cartoon and a fave post from the past featured on Sex, Lies and Bacon!

Today, I’ve Become My Parents is being featured over at Super Single Mom Melysa Shmitt’s digs: Sex, Lies and Bacon! To mark the occasion, I did a brand-new cartoon that, quite frankly, sums up what...

Nov 14, 2012 Like

I've become my parents

Unlocking the mysteries of your child’s brain

Last post, I took on Isaac Newton and his questionable grasp of physics. This time, it’s brain science. Why? It’s my job: I’m a blogger. That, and it makes me look smart. My son is now of the age...

Nov 10, 2012 Like

I've become my parents

Parenting: proof that Isaac Newton knew nothing about physics

It’s been a while since my last physics class but I remember learning about this guy named Isaac Newton. An apple once hit him on the head and he suddenly realized that if you let go of something,...

Nov 3, 2012 Like

I've become my parents

Getting the most out of the time you waste on Twitter: this month’s funny tweets

Regular time is finite, but wasted time is infinite and renewable. It’s highly transferable. Contagious, even. Case in point: Twitter. I put considerable effort into wasting time on Twitter. The...

Oct 29, 2012 Like

I've become my parents

School dances: the reason twins should tattoo their names on their foreheads

After a year of providing all the advice you’ll never need every Wednesday, I thought I’d give WTF Wednesday a break for a while. I’ll still provide useless parenting advice on occasion, and you...

Oct 25, 2012 Like

I've become my parents

Girls on the left; boys on the right.

Son, you may remember me telling you that there are two kinds of kids in middle school: those that are miserable, and those that make them that way. I was both. In short, that’s because nobody else...

Oct 23, 2012 Like

I've become my parents

How social media will save your relationship with your children

Welcome to this week’s instalment of WTF Wednesday, where both presidential candidates get all their parenting advice, but only one gets his debating advice. I thought we’d mix it up a bit this...

Oct 17, 2012 Like

I've become my parents

Should you let your child read your old diaries?

Welcome to this week’s instalment of WTF Wednesday, where the whole is always greater than the sum of its parts, but we’re pretty sure it’s because the Americans are using Imperial and everyone...

Oct 10, 2012 Like

I've become my parents

Time to talk about passion

OK son, let’s talk about passion. You know how you just want to do what you want to do no matter what you need to do? That’s passion. You’re a passionate guy. You’re passionate about eating junk...

Oct 5, 2012 Like

I've become my parents

How to tell your parents you would rather watch Glee than play Grand Theft Auto

Welcome to this week’s instalment of WTF Wednesday, where our dog years are worth 8 people years. This week, we had a question from a kid who’s struggling with an issue we’ve all dealt with at one...

Oct 3, 2012 Like

I've become my parents

A year’s worth of advice in 52 bite-sized pieces

Welcome to this week’s special edition of WTF Wednesday, where we went to great lengths to appear smarter than you, then we got lost and have no idea how to get back, so if you have any...

Sep 26, 2012 Like

I've become my parents

Is a messy room good for your immune system and 17 other really big questions.

Welcome to this week’s instalment of WTF Wednesday, where we understand that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. That’s why we try to avoid knowledge at all costs. We get a lot of questions...

Sep 19, 2012 Like

I've become my parents

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I've become my parents

What to Expect When You’re Expecting to be a Teenager

The Sex Talk Version 2.0

Making sense of terrible tween logic

Please dad, I promise I won’t run over any hookers

When did dances get this complicated?

While I’m away: a puberty post from the past

Human anatomy, the dessert stomach and yaks. Trust me, it’ll make sense when you read it.

One-liners from the Twittersphere: funny tweets I couldn’t let die

How Disney made me a liar

Because I said so

Why I may never pass on my parental wisdom

A monopoly on giving

Someday it’ll be worth something

What it means when a girl punches you in the face

Keeping your kids safe on Black Friday

BREAKING: Grim Reaper announces sweeping changes to Hell-bound transport system

In case you missed yesterday’s cartoon

Brand-new cartoon and a fave post from the past featured on Sex, Lies and Bacon!

Unlocking the mysteries of your child’s brain

Parenting: proof that Isaac Newton knew nothing about physics

Getting the most out of the time you waste on Twitter: this month’s funny tweets

School dances: the reason twins should tattoo their names on their foreheads

Girls on the left; boys on the right.

How social media will save your relationship with your children

Should you let your child read your old diaries?

Time to talk about passion

How to tell your parents you would rather watch Glee than play Grand Theft Auto

A year’s worth of advice in 52 bite-sized pieces

Is a messy room good for your immune system and 17 other really big questions.

A fresh batch of favorite funny tweets

Shareen Dussard

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