I think I’m the most emotionally and socially vulnerable while getting a haircut. Why do they make me wear a gown? Moments after sitting down, I already look ridiculous. My stylist always does ...
Sometimes I entertain my kids by taking them to Best Buy. When they’re busy climbing inside refrigerators, I have a few moments to stare blankly at TVs while waving my hand through the blade-le...
My son Arlo is sporting Michael Jackson fingers today. Unlike MJ though, who appeared to use electrical tape, the tip of each one of Arlo’s fingers is individually wrapped with colorful Band-Ai...
Regardless of whether it’s a real injury, like getting hit on the ankle by a rogue snow globe, or something less severe like bumping into a pillow, Arlo (2.5) insists that we gather ’roun...
I just read this article and now I can’t feed my kids crackers without experiencing crippling guilt. Apparently, “everything we know about obesity and heart disease is wrong.” It fe...
I remember watching globs of slimy things under the microscope in high school. A big glob sort of clumsily chased a smaller one. I think they were amoebas or cells or something. I got a D in biology ...
There are too many issues related to the recent Time Magazine cover for me to address them all. Is the photo incendiary? Yes. Did the boy have a choice about whether to be in the photo? Probably, but...
It’s easy, and sort of fun, to pretend like fake poop is real — for about a day. It’s been months now, and both of my kids still put it on my leg or head, and expect me to act like ...
Holy shit, DO NOT break a glass in my house. You’d get less of a reaction from my wife if you set yourself on fire. Yesterday, I dropped a small ceramic ramekin (I am not ashamed of knowing wha...
I never had a sibling so I can’t speak from experience, but I’ve heard enough stories to know that brothers do heinous things to each other. Most of them revolve around an older brother f...
My 2 year-old has soft teeth. Not suede-coated or malleable, just a little soft… for teeth. He can still chew, smile, and inflict puncture wounds on his parents. In those ways he’s normal...
A few months ago, I found myself in the VIP area backstage at The Jimmy Kimmel Show. If you need to know what that’s like, imagine a room full of people pretending not to care that Huey Lewis i...
I think one of my son’s pre-school classmates is disseminating misinformation about how to properly use the term “fair”. It would seem this child’s dangerous manifesto might r...
Non drinkers need to stop hiding behind NA beers disguised as regular beers. Here are a few suggestions for some more honest options. I know I would drink them with pride. Visitation Amber — Wh...
I woke up this morning unable to turn my head to the right. With the exception of mandatory prostate exams, nothing says “Hey world, I’m 40!” more than turning your entire torso in ...
He’s 2.5 years old and clearly has dreams at night. Sometimes he wakes frightened; other times he laughs in his sleep. I have no idea what he’s dreaming about, but I can guess. He’s...
Arlo is WAY into socks. Like it might be a problem how much he’s digging socks right now. His desires are very specific and each pair must be unique. His go-to combination lately is a long blu...
It was the largest beet I’d ever seen. They’re listed as “challenging” in the juicing book, which I believe is code for “NO!!!!!” After 20 minutes of prepping, was...
Fortunately, Lindsay and I are usually obsessed with separate things. I’ll be on a vision quest to boost our wifi signal while she compulsively searches the internet for symptoms of feline dehy...
My kids love to fake cry now, which is great because clearly there isn’t enough pointless weeping around here. Last night during dinner — which is really more of a floor decorating ritual...
I’m not sure my 2 year-old son understands that gouging my eyes out will prevent me from seeing. “Don’t grab daddy’s face” only elicits a diabolical cackle until finally...
My wife’s suspicion of technology has expanded to include GPS. It’s in her DNA; my mother in law recently emailed us an article about people getting dumber because of navigation systems. ...
Our town in New Jersey is small enough that the mayor often comes to events wearing a windbreaker. I think mayors should only be seen in suits, but understand that people want their politicians to be...
My kids are filthy this time of year. The soundtrack to late March is the spring-loaded creaking and slamming of our purple wooden screen door, smattered with shouts of “take off your shoes whe...
I’m constantly apologizing for stuff I can’t control. Here are a few of my better ones. Understand that some of these are directed to my wife, others to my kids, and some to the whole fam...
While the kids were in the basement arguing over the ownership of a foam sword, Lindsay approached me in the kitchen. “Sometime this week I want to sit with you alone in the dark and …...
More awesome things you get to do after having children:Give yourself a crotch bath with baby wipes.Apologize for how long it’s taking you to hand-peel the skin off a scalding hot-dog.Let a 4 y...
It takes extended eye contact coupled with a crisp verbal confirmation for our children to believe we’re watching as they jump off the sofa. Each leap requires my undivided attention as well as...
After being a parent for over 4 years, here are 15 phrases my family may or may not have searched for on Google.Dried puke in slipper contagious?Lack of REM sleep and IQ55kaw0jADHSASŚ*BOB*THE*BUILD E...
My record is 0-10 in Wii Boxing against my 4 year-old son, Silas. I’m not being all grown-up and letting him win, either. I’m desperate to knock his goofy looking red shorted avatar on hi...
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