It would be nice if the messages at the end of political ads had to be honest about the people who paid for them. "This ad was sponsored by people with a lot of money and an extreme agenda."
I am proud to say that my first column for Carolina Parent Magazine is in the current issue.
I worry that one day people are going to start being brutally honest with me, saying things like, “I’m sorry that it took me so long to return your phone call, but I don’t like talking with you.”
Wendys announced that it will be more humane to the chickens and pigs it uses. Theres a more humane way to grill an animal and put it between two buns?
Colas are great-tasting beverages that look like the run-off from the work bay of a Jiffy Lube. As a result, in their ads Coke and Pepsi tend to emphasize the flavor. They use terms like “crisp” and ...
The aisles on airplanes are designed to accommodate the number of travelers who are 5’ 5’’ and weigh 12 pounds. However, they can be tight spaces for anyone who eats more than semi-annually. Airline ...
I injured one of my back muscles. As a result, I feel intense pain whenever I do something extreme, like pick up a cracker or inhale. It feels like someone is casually trying to change the configurat...
As part of a job, I recently had to take one of those personality tests. “According to these results, you have no personality.” Based on how you answer a series of questions, you are told whether you...
I would like to lose weight by walking. Given my eating habits, though, this might require me to walk every day from my house to, say, Poland.
So when bags go around on the airport luggage carousel, does it bother them to be stared at and objectified like that?
We went shopping for a new refrigerator, which is like shopping for a new home, but for deli items. “Would our cheese be happy in this one?” Modern refrigerators come with features like the “dual zon...
In TV shows when someone starts a sentence “With all due respect”, it is always followed by some sort of insult or argument. No one ever says, “With all due respect, you smell fantastic.” In fact, th...
The umbrella is an amazing invention. It shields people from the rain while also giving them the opportunity to accidentally impale complete strangers. “Singing in the rain …” “Oh God! My eye!” “...I...
I saw this sign in a hospital. I think it means, "Warning: Patients may be overwhelmed with the urge to slide into home."
Taco Bell announced that they will now have a breakfast menu. It will have a fun Spanish name that roughly translates to “intestinal explosion”.
A bottle of salad dressing that we bought has a bright orange sticker on it that says “Keep refrigerated at all times”. It suggests that the dressing won’t just go bad, but could actually detonate at...
Our child woke up multiple times last night. As a result, my wife and I are slightly less coherent than someone who has been anesthetized. In fact, you could probably perform major surgery on us and ...
An airplane bathroom is essentially a coffin that flushes. In fact, when a plane is going to crash, it is possible that the flight attendants make announcements like, “At this time we would like thre...
Last night we went to a hockey game. Although professional hockey games feature an excellent display of eye-hand coordination and skating abilities, they also usually have the kind of brutality and p...
My new column is up on the website of the Cary Citizen.
Kay Jewelers has the slogan “Every kiss begins with Kay,” which is a nice way of saying, “You can buy her love.” In fact, it suggests that you have to. “Women who wear Kay jewelry only give affection...
Our child has been waking up several times a night. As a result, we are a little sleep deprived and might accidentally back our car over one of the neighbors. “Did I hit the trash can again?”“I don’t...
A vodka ad in a magazine said that buying their product would help support a charity. That could really blur the line between philanthropists and alcoholics. “I raised several thousand dollars for ch...
Holiday specials you never see - “We Sat Outside A Wal-Mart For Three Days, Charlie Brown”
I found out today that there is an insurance company named “Chubb”, which I am guessing was named after someone’s overweight basset hound. “What should we name the company?”“Hey, Stan. What was the n...
Based on what I have seen with other people, now that I have an iPhone, I will probably never look anyone in the eye again. Most likely I will use it at parties, in restaurants, during jury duty. “I ...
Lately our nine-year-old son has been into watching musicals, where people sing and dance with the kind of joy that usually only comes after being over-medicated. Maybe these people are that happy. O...
Many websites have recommendation engines. These automate the difficult task of insulting everyone who visits. In the days of local stores this work had to be done in person by a clerk with severe an...
I have one of those colds where I sound like a bullfrog with emphysema. I’m not so much a man as a swamp-dwelling creature that became a chain smoker. “The x-rays suggest that your gills are covered ...
Not knowing how else to write, many business reporters now just spend every day comparing other companies to Apple. “Despite claims that they were innovating, Burger King has yet to come up with a ri...
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