High School Coach

I had a basketball coach in high school who once called me and another kid “two pieces of (bleep)” because he didn’t think we were cheering loud enough while on the bench. Obviously he became a...

Flip Flops

I’m still trying to get used to wearing flip-flops, which were named after people with inconsistent voting records. They don’t feel like footwear as much as something a neighbor made out of...

Coffee

For the longest time I had no interest in coffee. Now I consider it only slightly less important than air.

Summer Heat

In the summer I spend a lot of time covered in sweat. Even after playing outside with my son for only a half an hour, I look like I just finished a waterboarding session.

Carbs

At some point during the past decade, bread became the most dangerous substance on the planet. Based on what fitness experts say, it is better for you to experiment with meth than baked goods.

4th of July

History: During the summer of 1776 , July 4th festivities included concerts, bonfires, parades and the firing of cannons, most which were purchased at freeway offramps.

Backing In

Every so often I see people who insist on backing into a parking space. It’s a preference of people who either see themselves as very important or who are planning to rob one of the shops. Either...

New Diet

Redecorating

We are having our master bathroom re-done. When you make these kinds of changes to a bathroom, it is called “redecorating”. When a person makes these kind of changes, it is called “cosmetic...

Political Ads

It would be nice if the messages at the end of political ads had to be honest about the people who paid for them. "This ad was sponsored by people with a lot of money and an extreme agenda."

Carolina Parent Magazine

I am proud to say that my first column for Carolina Parent Magazine is in the current issue.

Honesty

I worry that one day people are going to start being brutally honest with me, saying things like, “I’m sorry that it took me so long to return your phone call, but I don’t like talking with you.”

Wendys

Wendys announced that it will be more humane to the chickens and pigs it uses. Theres a more humane way to grill an animal and put it between two buns?

Colas

Colas are great-tasting beverages that look like the run-off from the work bay of a Jiffy Lube. As a result, in their ads Coke and Pepsi tend to emphasize the flavor. They use terms like “crisp”...

Airplane Aisles

The aisles on airplanes are designed to accommodate the number of travelers who are 5’ 5’’ and weigh 12 pounds. However, they can be tight spaces for anyone who eats more than semi-annually....

Back Problems

I injured one of my back muscles. As a result, I feel intense pain whenever I do something extreme, like pick up a cracker or inhale. It feels like someone is casually trying to change the...

Personality Tests

As part of a job, I recently had to take one of those personality tests. “According to these results, you have no personality.” Based on how you answer a series of questions, you are told whether...

Walking

I would like to lose weight by walking. Given my eating habits, though, this might require me to walk every day from my house to, say, Poland.

Baggage

So when bags go around on the airport luggage carousel, does it bother them to be stared at and objectified like that?

Refrigerators

We went shopping for a new refrigerator, which is like shopping for a new home, but for deli items. “Would our cheese be happy in this one?” Modern refrigerators come with features like the “dual...

With All Due Respect

In TV shows when someone starts a sentence “With all due respect”, it is always followed by some sort of insult or argument. No one ever says, “With all due respect, you smell fantastic.” In fact,...

Umbrellas

The umbrella is an amazing invention. It shields people from the rain while also giving them the opportunity to accidentally impale complete strangers. “Singing in the rain …” “Oh God! My eye!”...

Sign

I saw this sign in a hospital. I think it means, "Warning: Patients may be overwhelmed with the urge to slide into home."

The Breakfast of Champions

Taco Bell announced that they will now have a breakfast menu. It will have a fun Spanish name that roughly translates to “intestinal explosion”.

Dressing Warning

A bottle of salad dressing that we bought has a bright orange sticker on it that says “Keep refrigerated at all times”. It suggests that the dressing won’t just go bad, but could actually detonate...

Tired

Our child woke up multiple times last night. As a result, my wife and I are slightly less coherent than someone who has been anesthetized. In fact, you could probably perform major surgery on us...

Airplane Bathrooms

An airplane bathroom is essentially a coffin that flushes. In fact, when a plane is going to crash, it is possible that the flight attendants make announcements like, “At this time we would like...

Sports Meets Entertainment

Last night we went to a hockey game. Although professional hockey games feature an excellent display of eye-hand coordination and skating abilities, they also usually have the kind of brutality and...

Clanging in the new year

My new column is up on the website of the Cary Citizen.

Kay Jewelers

Kay Jewelers has the slogan “Every kiss begins with Kay,” which is a nice way of saying, “You can buy her love.” In fact, it suggests that you have to. “Women who wear Kay jewelry only give...