HEY, TIM. TIM. TIMMY. TIMBO. TIMBALAND. TIMBALAND AND MAGOO. TIMBALAND PRESENTS: SHOCK VALUE. TIMPERATE RAINFOREST. TIM, WAKE THE FUCK UP! … OR DON’T. YOUR CALL. I THINK SOME PEOPLE ARE DEAD IN YOUR ...
GOD DAMN IT I FORGOT TO FILE MY TAXES.
I tell you to floss, but do you listen? No. And now look at you. Your molars look like lemon poppyseed muffins. UHN SARRUH, DAHGGA TZDELL. Don’t “I’m sorry Doctor Tisdale” me, Geraldine. Floss, or yo...
YOU READY TO DO THIS SHIT OR WHAT?
OKAY, WELL, THANKS FOR LUNCH. IT WAS REALLY GOOD SEEING YOU AGAIN. REALLY GOOD. I’VE MISSED YOU. I MISSED YOU TOO. SO MUCH. … … … … OKAY, SERIOUSLY, I’VE GOT A PILATES CLASS AT 3. IT WAS NICE RUNNING...
SISTER, IT IS BETTER THAT YOU SHOULD RUSH UPON THAT BLADE THAN ENTER THE CIRCLE WITH FEAR IN YOUR HEART. HOW DO YOU ENTER? With perfect love and perfect trust. GOOD. WELCOME TO OUR COVEN. ONLY A COUP...
I’M ON FIRE TODAY, BRO. GOT A SICK PUMP ON THE DECLINE BENCH, GAVE THE HOTTIE AT JAMBA JUICE MY NUMBER, AND TOMMY AND VINCE ARE ON THEIR WAY OVER WITH SOME BREWSKIS. WE’RE GOING DOWNTOWN TONIGHT, YOU...
COME WITH ME ALICE. YOU’RE TOO WILD, TOO BEAUTIFUL, TO LIVE IN CHAINS. YOU BELONG OUT HERE. A ROSE IN A VASE IS NOT A ROSE IN THE FIELD. IT WITHERS. WHERE WOULD WE GO, LUKE? WHAT WOULD WE EAT? ANYWHE...
AAAHHH! TIM, YOU TOTAL PEEPER! GET OUT OF HERE! I SWEAR TO GOD IF WE WEREN’T DATING EVERYTHING YOU DO WOULD BE ILLEGAL AND CREEPY. YOU’RE LIKE A LAW & ORDER: SVU BAD GUY THAT BUYS ME FLOWERS ON MY BI...
I AM SO TIRED. TELL ME ABOUT IT. I AM LITERALLY JUST EXHAUSTED, YOU KNOW? WORN RIGHT OUT. POOPED. THAT’S WHAT I AM. JUST PLAIN POOPED. I MUST HAVE LOOKED AT A HUNDRED THOUSAND AVENGERS GIFS IN THE LA...
GOD DAMN IT! I HIT MY HEAD RIGHT ON THE CORNER OF THE CUPBOARD DOOR! I hate it when that happens. Yeah, that’s the worst. OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!
There was a time, long ago, in a world not unlike our own, where a writer would produce a manuscript after many laborious hours spent hunched over a typewriter of such heft and weight it could easily...
STAY DOWN, ASSHOLE! YOU CAME TO THE WRONG BEACH, LITTERBUG. THAT DROPPING THE WRAPPER SHIT MIGHT FLY WHEREVER YOU CAME FROM BUT THIS IS THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST. PICK IT UP. AND YOU’D BETTER BE PLANNING...
BYE, MOM. BYE, DAD. PLEASE STOP STRUGGLING. IT’S JUST A COUPLE YEARS IN A LABOR CAMP. I KNOW YOU WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO RETIREMENT BUT YOU CO-SIGNED FOR COLLEGE, REMEMBER? IT WAS EITHER SELL YOU INT...
KNOCK IT OFF, HENRY. I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR LITTLE LOVE GAMES. MY PARENTS ARE COMING OVER LATER AND THIS PLACE IS A MESS.
EVER SINCE I STARTED TAKING HERBIVORE STUDIES COURSES AT THE LOCAL UNIVERSITY IT’S BECOME MORE AND MORE DIFFICULT TO ENJOY A WIDE RANGE OF WHAT I ALWAYS ASSUMED WERE NORMAL AND BENIGN ACTIVITIES. I’V...
OH MY GOD, I TOTALLY FLEW INTO CHRIS EVANS DOWN BY THE RIVER! GET OUT OF HERE! ARE YOU SERIOUS? RIGHT INTO HIS ROCK HARD, PERFECT CHEST! I THINK I BROKE MY NECK! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! THAT’S SO HOT! DON’T ...
HELLO? PETERS- HELLO? HELLO! PETERSON? PETERSON, ARE YOU STILL THERE? HELLO? I’M SORRY. I DON’T KNOW HOW THIS ‘JAWBONE’ THING WORKS. HELL, IF WE’RE BEING HONEST I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT BLUETOOTH IS, B...
YOU HEAR YEASAYER’S GOT A NEW RECORD COMING OUT? I GUESS I HEARD THAT SOMEWHERE, YEAH. I MIGHT CHECK IT OUT. I DON’T KNOW, MAN. I REALLY ONLY LIKED THEIR LIVE PERFORMANCES FOR A SPECIFIC TWELVE MINUT...
ANY CHILD BETWEEN ONE AND THREE YEARS OF AGE WEIGHING MORE THAN TWENTY POUNDS MUST, BY FEDERAL LAW, BE SECURED IN A FORWARD-FACING CHILD SAFETY RESTRAINT SYSTEM IN THE REAR SEAT OF THE VEHICLE IN A M...
This is personal stuff and bad jokes and wedding updates and free (great) music, not yammering lemurs in capslock, so skip it if you’re not interested in that sort of thing. Hello, buttons. How...
DAMN, GIRL. YOU CAN SEE THAT BOOTY FROM THE FRONT.
I’M SORRY I BROKE THE COFFEE TABLE DURING MY INCREDIBLY LABOR-INTENSIVE AND EXHAUSTING RENDITION OF BEYONCÉ’S ‘LOVE ON TOP’. MY DISMAY WAS MITIGATED BY HOW IMPRESSIVE YOUR DANCE MOVES WERE. THANK YOU...
I REPLACED ALAN’S GATORADE WITH ANTIFREEZE! LET’S SEE IF HE NOTICES!
THE PULSE, THE HUM AND SWELL, THE SONG BENEATH THE SKIN, IT CALLS TO ME! OW, FUCK! RANDY, WHAT THE HELL? “DRINK!” IT CRIES, “DRINK OF ME AND LIVE FOREVER!” GET OFF ME! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU...
P90X CAN KISS MY P90ASS. SOMEONE FIND MY PHONE. I’M ORDERING PIZZA.
THANK HEAVENS YOU’RE BACK. WE’RE SO BORED WE’RE ACTUALLY DYING FROM IT. I’M ACTUALLY FINE. I TOOK A GLORIOUS NAP. COMCAST IS DOWN AGAIN. SURPRISE, SURPRISE. WE WERE GOING TO BURN THROUGH SOME DOWNTON...
I’M SO STUPID. Shhhh. Don’t say that. I JUST- I THOUGHT HE WAS DIFFERENT. HE WAS ALWAYS SO SWEET TO ME WHEN WE WERE ALONE. WE HAD ALL THESE PLANS. HE MADE SO MANY PROMISES, AND- AND- AAUHHHUHHHUHHHHA...
YOU EVER LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND THINK ‘HOLY SHIT. WHO IS THAT TOTAL SEX BOMB WITH THE KILLER SMILE AND THE BANGIN’ BODY?’ EVERY TIME, MY FRIEND. EVERY TIME. YOU EVER ATTRIBUTE THAT TO CONSTANTLY BEIN...
STEVE. SERIOUSLY. I DIDN’T USE YOUR TOOTHPASTE, OKAY? I HAVE MY OWN. IN A FLAVOR I ENJOY. I DON’T CARE WHICH WAY YOU SQUEEZE THE TUBE. THE FACT THAT YOU SORT OF BOOBYTRAP TOOTHPASTE TO SEE IF ANYONE’...
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