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Asshole Baby
www.assholebaby.blogspot.com
7
An account of child rearing from a new dad who has no idea what he's doing or what he has gotten himself into.
#165263 in All

Letter From Santa

My step son just turned nine, which means hes starting to understand how the world works.  And this year, he really started doubting the existence of Santa.  I said to just let him figure i...

27 dec 11

Site Reviews!!!

One of the great feature of Blogger is the analytics.  I can see everyone thats talking about me.  Here are a few of my favorite reviews from a popular "Mommy Board":"I feel bad...

23 dec 11

Raising Her Right

I get a lot of email.  I appreciate all the fan mail and I love the hate mail, but I think its about time I tackle some of the tougher issues.Several people have emailed me saying "Hey Phil!...

16 dec 11

An Open Letter to a Facebook "Fan"

Yesterday I posted the shirts I had designed for the site on here, on twitter, and on my Facebook page. On my Facebook page, I also told the fans to let me know what they would like to see in the sto...

15 dec 11

Asshole Baby Stuff

White with Black PrintCharcoal with Light Gray PrintThe shirts above will be on sale in about a week.  If you cant wait till then, send me an email and we can work something out via paypal. &nbs...

14 dec 11

Sleeping Through the Night

Good news on the sleeping front:  She finally started sleeping through the night. Bad news on the sleeping front: Apparently to her, "night" ends at 4:45 a.m. every morning. So I actuall...

14 dec 11

Maury Povich

If babies were held to the same standard as everybody else, everyone would hate them.  They are selfish, ungrateful assholes that do asshole things all the asshole time.  And the real kick ...

09 dec 11

Vacation Day

I took a day off today because our nanny cancelled on us.  This is the third time I have done this.  The first two times were awful.  Today has been exponential worse.I was laying in b...

05 dec 11

Child Rearing Advice from the Clinically Insane

One of the worst parts about raising an infant is that nobody thinks you can do it without their genius advice.  And you cant question them, because they pushed a kid out of their vagina once, w...

30 nov 11

ComputER PRoblEmS

ThiS AFtERnoon, thE only thing thAt WoulD CAlm thE bAby DoWn WAS youtubE ChilDREnS viDEoS on thE ComputER.  So I WAtChED SomE CARtoon SQuiRREl look FoR hiS littlE mouSE buDDy FoR 45 minutES. Oh,...

23 nov 11

Babys First Date

I remember what I felt when I found out we were having a girl.  Disappointment.  I always said, if I ever accidentally had a child, it sure as hell better be a boy. Im not sexist.  I d...

21 nov 11

Mailbag #2

Phil,Enjoy reading your blog. I too just fell into fatherhood due to the fact that I got lazy on my honeymoon. My bad. Anyways, I have a 4 month old daughter and she shit in our bed this morning. My ...

17 nov 11

Chunky Thighs

Dont comment on a womans weight.  Ever.  The answer to "Do my hips look big in this dress?" and "Does my butt look fat in these jeans?" is "NO".  Every. Single....

15 nov 11

Tough Love

Baby was hysterically crying today and I was trying to calm her down.  It wasnt working very well.  Thats when my mother-in-law came in the room to do what mother-in-laws do best:Give unsol...

12 nov 11

Tub Girl

Have you ever had a perfect, euphoric moment where all was right in the world, but something happened suddenly that sent you crashing back down to the shitty reality of your life?I have. Last Thursda...

08 nov 11

Stupid Thoughts

Im not naive.  Sometimes, I so deserve it. Lack of sleep over a weekend just means youre really tired and have a headache.  Lack of sleep over four months really messes you up in the head. ...

07 nov 11

Mailbag #1

Over on the right side of the page, You can see that I will be answering some of your questions about Asshole Baby.  Here is the first batch:How does the baby mama feel about your blog?Thanks,Er...

03 nov 11

Free Hugs

I get home from work at 5 pm. So from 5 pm till 6:30 pm, I am solely responsible for the baby.And at 5 pm, my daily countdown begins. I just want to make it to 6:30 without having to change a shit di...

01 nov 11

What Lies Ahead...

I went to a Halloween party last night for the kids in the neighborhood.  Thanks to an eight month old baby and her father, I caught a glimpse of what my baby will be like in five months.Apparen...

31 oct 11

Tummy Time part Deux

Now that shes 13 weeks, shes starting to move around a lot more, which pretty much means she just makes a lot more noise than she already did. Yesterday, we were sitting around having some "tummy...

26 oct 11

We dont have a cow. We have a bull...

I would like to turn your attention to the picture of the toy bull above.  I took this toy from my two year old nephew this weekend.  He was dangling it in front of the babys face.  Do...

24 oct 11

Third Suicide Attempt

She hasnt really been an asshole today, but she did manage to fit about 90% of her fist into her mouth and start chewing it.  It got stuck and we had to pull it out.  It truly was impressiv...

22 oct 11

Changes in Musical Taste

Top Five Most Played Songs on my iPod Four Months Ago1. Dont Let Me Fall - B.O.B.2. (Whats So Funny Bout) Peace, Love, and Understanding - Elvis Costello3. When It All Comes Down - B.B. King4. Man in...

20 oct 11

Sleeping like a baby

She slept like a baby last night.She woke up 3 times with piss in her diaper. Four times to eat. One time because she thought 3am is just when youre supposed to wake up. One time because she wanted m...

20 oct 11

Changes

I am WAY not happy with how my relationship with vaginas has changed over the last 3 months. Now all I do is clean them. Like some weird vagina janitor.

18 oct 11

Nick jr

I havent watched college gameday the last 3 weeks. Ive watched Nickelodeon Jr instead. F*ck me. She cant even understand it. But I am told its good for her development. Besides, if its not on, baby b...

17 oct 11

Just like daddy

Shes only 10 weeks old, but shes already taking after her father. Shes developing a hatred for Mark Wahlberg. God I want to punch his character in "The Happening" in the face sooooo bad. What...

15 oct 11

Remember the time you accidentally shit your pants out of nowhere?

You know what Im talking about.  Youre going about your business when all of a sudden, a little shit comes out.  Out of nowhere.  Im not saying this happens often....but its happened t...

15 oct 11

Tummy Time

The words "tummy time" are now in my daily vocabulary. There is no cool way to say tummy time. I am such a loser.

14 oct 11

Failed Suicide Attempts

Tonight marks the second time my baby has tried to end it all.  A few days ago, she saw the hardwood floor and decided that was her final solution.  I stopped her when she had made it half ...

13 oct 11

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