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McSweeney's
www.mcsweeneys.net
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McSweeney's Internet Tendency
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Advanced and/or Arbitrary NBA Statistics by Sean Adams

3.8 – Rajon Rondo’s assists per turnover when the Wilmette Times runs 3 or more articles about wildlife preservation in a week (vs. 3.5 when they run 2 or fewer). 81.5% - Russell Westbrook’s free thr...

1 day ago

Open Letters: An Open Letter to the Mammogram Machine at Beth Israel Hospital by Amelia Blanquera

Dear Mammogram Machine at Beth Israel Hospital, Maybe if your 8 × 10-inch rectangular plastic plates were set up to look like hands, we’d know how to place our breasts within them. The squeezing...

1 day ago

The Peculiar Arab Chronicles: Well, Lucky Fucking You by Nour Ali Youssef

I am a stereotypically normal Arab in that half the time I complain about people being lazy, and the other half I am too lazy to bother. I live almost always in a state of nail-biting, eye-rolling je...

1 day ago

Skywords! My Article for an In-Flight Magazine by Rainn Wilson

Thank you for this opportunity, dear reader. I’ve always wanted to write an article for an “in-flight” magazine. When I get on an airplane, the absolutely first thing I do is grab t...

2 days ago 1 person likes this

It’s All Greek to Me: A Column on Sororities in the South: The Niche & the Itch by M.M. Locker

Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life the LORD assigned him… — 1 Corinthians 7:17 - - -Second semester, I do take English, both halves of American literature. So much of ...

2 days ago 1 person likes this

It’s All Greek to Me: A Column on Sororities in the South: The Niche & the Itch by M.M. Locker

Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life the LORD assigned him… — 1 Corinthians 7:17 - - -Second semester, I do take English, both halves of American literature. So much of ...

2 days ago

Mitt Romney Writes Erotic Fiction About Himself by Wendy Molyneux

It was 7:30 pm on a Wednesday, and Mitt Romney, former Governor of Massachusetts and presumptive Republican nominee for President, had made a decision. He was going to have sex with his wife Ann Romn...

3 days ago 1 person likes this

No Fear of Flying: Kamikaze Missions in Death, Sex, and Comedy: Museum of Sorrows by Michelle Mirsky

I feel sometimes, like I’m asleep; like I’m sleepwalking through everything. Like I will only remember the months after my son’s death in the patchy, vaguely creepy, déjà-vu way in which one remember...

3 days ago

Teddy Wayne’s Unpopular Proverbs: Realism by Teddy Wayne

The optimist sees the glass half full; the pessimist sees the glass as half empty; the—oh, wonderful, you spilled water all over my Unpopular Proverbs sheet. Now it’s all smudged, and I have no...

3 days ago

A McSweeney’s Books Preview of Allan Peterson’s Fragile Acts by Allan Peterson

- - -The world is terrifying and exhilarating. Believing firmly in the romantic notion that “embellishment is love,” Allan Peterson in Fragile Acts combines the intellectual force of T. S...

4 days ago

Assimilate Or Go Home: Dispatches from the Stateless Wanderers: Ask An Evangelical by D.L.M.

Q: Have you ever had a perm? DLM: Yes, yes I have. My mom got regular perms and I thought it was the most glamorous, complicated process I had ever seen in my life. I begged for one and when I was 11...

4 days ago

Assimilate Or Go Home: Dispatches from the Stateless Wanderers: Ask An Evangelical by D.L.M.

Q: Have you ever had a perm? DLM: Yes, yes I have. My mom got regular perms and I thought it was the most glamorous, complicated process I had ever seen in my life. I begged for one and when I was 11...

4 days ago

An Anne Geddes Baby Manifesto by Janet Manley

That society will recognize that babies were taken from their parents and hidden inside green felt pea pods en masse. That we each have a story to share about being forced into flower pots in emascul...

25 may 12

Open Letters: An Open Letter to Myself the Day After the 2004 Presidential Election by Joey Camire

Dear 19 year-old faux-conservative self, Let me just start off by asking you a simple question: What the hell were you thinking? You were always a smart kid growing up. Logical thinker. Irreverent qu...

25 may 12

Open Letters: An Open Letter to Myself the Day After the 2004 Presidential Election by Joey Camire

Dear 19 year-old faux-conservative self, Let me just start off by asking you a simple question: What the hell were you thinking? You were always a smart kid growing up. Logical thinker. Irreverent qu...

25 may 12

Bream Gives Me Hiccups: Restaurant Reviews from a Privileged Nine-Year-Old: Sushi Nozawa by Jesse E...

Last night, Mom took me to Sushi Nozawa, near Matt’s house. Except she didn’t let Matt come with us and I had to leave in the middle of my favorite show because Mom said we would be late ...

24 may 12 1 person likes this

List: Increasingly Threatening Taglines for Beauty Products by Kendra Eash

“Capture your beauty with both hands.” “Beauty—it’s yours. No matter WHAT.” “Hoard your beauty like you’ve never hoarded before.” “Take advantage of yo...

24 may 12

List: Increasingly Threatening Taglines for Beauty Products by Kendra Eash

“Capture your beauty with both hands.” “Beauty—it’s yours. No matter WHAT.” “Hoard your beauty like you’ve never hoarded before.” “Take advantage of yo...

24 may 12 1 person likes this

The Treaty of the Laundry Room by Mark Hill

The Republic of the Basement Suite and the Empire of the Main Floor, desiring to bring an end to all hostilities, disagreements, incidents, etc. occurring in the shared territory of the Laundry Room,...

23 may 12

Teddy Wayne’s Unpopular Proverbs: Pictures by Teddy Wayne

A picture is worth a thousand words, so this is worth fifteen-thousandths of a picture. You can choose glossy or matte printing, with higher prices for four-by-six or larger sizes, and framing is ava...

23 may 12

Teddy Wayne’s Unpopular Proverbs: Pictures by Teddy Wayne

A picture is worth a thousand words, so this is worth fifteen-thousandths of a picture. You can choose glossy or matte printing, with higher prices for four-by-six or larger sizes, and framing is ava...

23 may 12

Excerpts from William Shakespeare’s Battleship by Yoni Brenner

SCENE I A Battleship, sailing majestically. Enter a common SAILOR. SAILOR Ahoy ye sailors!—friends and noblemen— Riding ‘twixt glist’ring waves so bright and blue That one cannot help but stand...

22 may 12 1 person likes this

Gyros to Heroes: A Column About Sandwiches: The Bread of Affliction (Slight Return) by Lindsay Eanet

I first wrote this column back in September 2011 as a contest entry, but in the months since, it’s become strangely prophetic. As people all over the world do, my family celebrated the Passover holid...

22 may 12

List: Boy Scout Merit Badge Projects by Jerry Renek

Help an old lady write a scathing Yelp review about Sizzler’s lazy waiters. Cryonically preserve and revive a sibling. Backpack across an IKEA in four days, surviving on meatballs, marinated herring,...

22 may 12

Comic Contest: We Should Have Talked Ourselves Out of It by McSweeneys

So, we had an idea to have a contest for comics in order to help us find a talented potential contributor for the McSweeney’s Internet Tendency website. We launched this idea with only the purest of ...

21 may 12

Family Practice: An Occasional Column by “Dr.” Amy Fusselman: End-of-Year Teacher Giftology: The Co...

You know how astrology proffers the idea that a really confusing and sometimes annoying situation—that would be individual human beings, their characteristics, and how they relate—is actually easy to...

21 may 12

Ben Greenman’s Graphs About Charts and Charts About Graphs: Graph #28 by Ben Greenman

21 may 12

We’re Having a Comic Contest! by McSweeneys

We were sitting around and someone said, “We should have a contest for comics on our website.” Someone else said that sounded like a good idea, and no one talked us out of it, so that’s w...

21 may 12

Ridgemore Day School: An Introduction by Rudy Martinez

Ridgemore Day School Secular Preschool and Kindergarten (Ages 2.5-5) Non-Traditional, New Age, Sensory, Mixed Movement There are three rules at Ridgemore Day. As you know from the pre-introduction or...

18 may 12

The Chorus Boy Chronicles: The Daily Grind by Brian Spitulnik

Around the time that Bob Bergeron’s body was found in his Chelsea apartment on January 5th, I was in my dressing room at the Ambassador, alone, transfixed by the parade of smirking faces and headless...

18 may 12

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