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Onion News Network
tv.theonion.com
6
The Onion News Network is the 24-hour cable TV news choice for billions of viewers in 811 countries. Now the hard-hitting, award-winning news you need is available anytime and anywhere you want. Subscribe and watch right now.
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[video] Man Approaching Attractive Woman Fails To Notice Chelsea Handler Book Until Its Too Late

An area man is winded after a particularly lengthy Wendys order, the NRA sets 1,000 killed in a school shooting as the amount it would take them to reconsider much of anything, and a Ford assembly li...

15 h ago

[video] Shadows Meet The Clouds, Gray On Gray, Like Dusty Charcoal On An Ashen Brow, Nations Poets ...

The nations poets poets announced today that shadows—inky sharp as a raven’s beak—meet the clouds like dusty charcoal on an ashen brow.

1 day ago

High Unemployment Rate Linked To One Man With 42,000 Jobs

A recent report finds that one man is selfishly working thousands of jobs while other Americans go without even one.

2 days ago

[Video] Behind The Pen: Collective Wisdom

If you like watching DVDs or streaming movies online, this weeks must-see Behind the Pen video will reveal whether you are a sophisticated adult or a mixed-up teen.

4 days ago

[video] Romney To Undergo Gender Reassignment Surgery To Better Connect With Women Voters

Joe Biden plans to honor fallen U.S. soldiers by jumping his motorcycle over the Vietnam Memorial, Thomas the Tank Engine is a little uneasy with his broad autistic following, and a friend who said g...

25 may 12

[video] Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter

Kevin Brights coworkers were shocked to learn that the mild-mannered, reserved temp spends his free time performing shitty music.

24 may 12

Search Crews Continue To Look For Obviously Dead Hikers

Autistic reporter Michael Falk questions the logic of continuing to look for a group of lost hikers who clearly are no longer alive.

23 may 12

[video] First McDonalds Opens With A Young Grimace Just Starting Out As A Cashier

The Onion reflects on Bette Davis’s film debut as a piece of chocolate cake, Lindbergh’s historic flight across the Atlantic Ocean after decades of disastrous test runs with dog pilots, a...

22 may 12

[Video] Behind The Pen: The Chinese Threat

Thorsberg-Bronze-Quill-Award-w inning cartoonist Stan Kelly takes you behind the scenes of his latest editorial cartoon, which explores a hidden threat from overseas.

21 may 12

[video] Harrison Ford Chuckles To Self Upon Realizing He Hasnt Been In Movie People Liked In 18 Yea...

The transportation secretary flips out on a pothole in Baltimore, a man wearing red glasses and pink pants is probably Dutch or something, and an Ohio Film Festival graphic designer decides to go wit...

18 may 12

Republicans Stalling Obamas Agenda By Speaking, Moving In Slow Motion

Democrats charge that Republican members of Congress are preventing the passage of the bills by moving very slowly.

17 may 12

[video] After Weeks Of Media Pressure, Shia LeBeouf Still Refusing To Have Public Meltdown

In this Star Fix Quick Hit, Angelique Clark looks at the medias ongoing efforts to push Shia LeBeouf over the edge into a Charlie Sheen-style breakdown.

16 may 12

[video] V.E. Day Commemorated With Historic Radio Address From FDRs Rotting Corpse

The Onion looks back at Alabamas first desegregated mass suicide, the historic V.E. Day Speech from FDRs rotting corpse, and the completion of the transcontinental railroad with the gold-plated femur...

15 may 12

[Video] Behind The Pen: How Marriage Works

Onion editorial cartoonist Stan Kelly is one of the worlds top opinion-makers. He gets up close and personal in this new video series.

14 may 12

[video] Santorum Now Viciously Condemning Homosexuals, Minorities, Women For $100,000 Speaking Fee

A 5-year-old announces that the circle is no longer her favorite shape, former Kentucky Derby winner Big Brown makes his comeback to horse racing as a jockey, and the guitar music fad runs its course.

11 may 12

[video] This Week In History: Worlds First Lesbian Discovered In Guatemalan Jungle (1957)

The Onion reflects on the discovery of the first lesbian, the joyous Hindenburg explosion, and the Sears Towers challenge to God

08 may 12

In Bipartisan Spirit, Obama Makes Deal To Get Kicked In Balls

President Obama works out an agreement to have Republicans in Congress kick him in the balls in exchange for nothing.

07 may 12

[video] Prince William, Kate Middleton Celebrate One-Year Anniversary By Forcing Humiliated Servant...

An anxiety-ridden man is rightly ashamed of every single thing that he does, half a sleeve of Oreos is lost in a house fire, and a local man has had more than enough beach.

04 may 12

[video] Medium Channels The Spirits Of Old Acquaintances For Awkward Small Talk

Psychic Kenneth Quinn connects Today Now! studio guests with former landlords and friends of work friends who have died for stilted conversations from beyond.

02 may 12

Biden Unveils New Health Initiative To Make U.S. Women Hotter

Inspired by the First Ladys health plan for children, Vice President Joe Biden has pledged to make every American woman beach-ready.

30 apr 12

[video] Report: Typical City Bus Contains No Fewer Than Four Erections At Any Given Time

A Greyhound bus crash claims 30 miserable lives, a Stanford study finds no logical reason why planes are able to fly, and a local man goes and gets himself hit by a goddamn bus.

27 apr 12

Kanye West In Feud With Nation Of Syria

In the Daily Briefing, Tucker Hope reports on Kanye Wests feud with Syria and a companys decision not to bother recalling a defective hotplate.

25 apr 12

[video] Obamas Approval Rating Down After Photos Surface Of Him Eating Big Sandwich All Alone

Voters describe recent images of Obama eating a gigantic hoagie all by himself "somehow very sad."

24 apr 12

Four American Troops Tragically Killed Along With 23 Afghanis

Autistic reporter Michael Falk reports it is bad that four U.S. soldiers died but it is good that nearly two dozen Taliban soldiers died.

18 apr 12

[video] Report: Every Potential 2040 President Already Unelectable Due To Facebook

A troubling report finds that by 2040 every presidential candidate will be unelectable to political office due to their embarrassing Facebook posts.

17 apr 12

[video] Democrats: Obama Has Dicked Us Around For Four Years, Now Its Our Turn

While most Democrats plan to vote for Obama in November, they continue to tell pollsters theyre "undecided" just for the fun of messing with the presidents head.

12 apr 12

Reporter Helps Starving Dogs By Personally Shooting Them

After an earthquake renders hundreds of dogs homeless, reporter OBrady Shaw pledges to put down every last animal himself.

09 apr 12

[video] Planning A Spouses Funeral Even Though Theyll Probably Never Ever Die

On Today Now!, financial-planning expert Madeline Carden discusses how to plan for the death of a spouse, which wont happen for years and years and years, if ever.

08 apr 12

[video] Shelby Cross Warns Women Self-Defense Classes "A Trap"

Cross Examination host Shelby Cross shows women how to physically defeat their self-defense instructors.

06 apr 12

[video] Stephen Strasburg Ceremoniously Re-Injures Arm On Opening Day

Doc and Kenny catch a case of bullet-breath as they pull the trigger on Stephen Strasburg’s Opening Day ceremony, Kentucky’s draft prospects, and the Charlotte Bobcat’s first ever d...

05 apr 12

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