Today, I went to my girlfriend"s house to break up with her. It was a hard decision and both of us became quite emotionally overwhelmed at the time. We began to hug as a final goodbye, then her m...
Today, I was trying to sleep when my downstairs neighbors kept blaring their music. I went down to confront them, only to fall down the stairs and end up with a headache. FML
Today, I went to Safeway. The security guard wouldnt stop staring at my boobs. When I confronted him about it he told me that they looked fake and he was making sure I didnt stuff my bra with stolen ...
Today, I had an unbearable itch on my foot that I could not make go away with my nails, so I grabbed the stapler in my drawer to scratch it with. Wrong idea. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to break up with me but it had to be after our cruise together because he doesnt want to lose out on money. Cant wait for the Bahamas. FML
Today, I was at a wedding. After videotaping the ceremony for a few minutes, my memory was full. I went to delete another video. I accidentally played the loudest video I had. No one was looking at t...
Today, on the bright side, my boobs grew a size. Unfortunately, this was only after bed bugs decided to attack my nipples. FML
Today, I woke up to a glorious sunrise. I stood up, took a moment to soak up some sunlight, and then spent the next hour too scared to go make my morning coffee, after my mother loudly moaned, "A...
Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my dad. I thought it was a good idea at the time, at least until he took her aside for a private chat. During the chat, he told her all about my two previous marr...
Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone, when I accidentally let rip a monstrous fart. He swore at me for being a pig, hung up, and has ignored all my subsequent calls. I try not to date id...
Today, my boyfriend accidentally broke my nose the day he was meeting my parents for the first time. FML
Today, I was given a lapdance by a pregnant stripper. FML
Today, when I was ordering pizza, I got a text from my mom saying "I love you". When the man thanked me I accidentally said, "I love you too." FML
Today, I said to my boyfriend that he makes the same noises when he smells bacon as he does when we have sex. Now everytime we have sex, he whispers "Bacon..." in my ear. FML
Today, I came out of the closet. I came out on Facebook to spare myself awkward conversations and gossip. I wrote a deeply meaningful status about my partner and my pride in who I was. The only respo...
Today, my parents grounded me for finding their stash of weed. The irony is killing me right now. FML
Today, I arranged a romantic dinner for my boyfriend. His favourite meal, fresh flowers, scented candles. Everything went beautifully, at least until he wrapped an arm around me and whispered, "W...
Today, a homeless guy grabbed me and started ranting that "the Mayans were right" or some shit. He was making about as much sense as Charlie Sheen outside of a padded cell, so I shoved him aw...
Today, I went to the hospital for stomach pains, and was told that it sounds like I have an ovarian cyst. My mom went into a rage, screaming that Id lied to her about being a virgin. Despite the doct...
Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner so she could meet my parents. Over the dinner, she asked my dad whats hes been up to since he retired. He replied, "recreational gynecology, my dear...
Today, it was my last day at school before I graduate next week. Ten minutes into lunch break, I was brutally nailed in the neck by a football. Now, not only do I look like I was given a hickey by th...
Today, I was admitted to hospital for suspected kidney failure. I called my best friend to let her know I couldnt make it to her birthday party tonight. She seemed to be infinitely more upset that I ...
Today, I had so much to do, I didnt know where to start. So I didnt. FML
Today, a girl started talking to me at the bus stop. After it descended into an awkward silence, I jumped on my bus to avoid further conversation. She got on the same bus. And got off at the same sto...
Today, after years of lobbying for a travel job, Im finally in Africa. Everything I eat or drink comes violently back out both directions. When I dont eat or drink, I pass out. Essentially I have to ...
Today, Child Protective Services came to my house, because my 7-year-old son told people at school that he was uncomfortable sleeping in his uncles bed. I had to explain to them that the uncle in que...
Today, I was playing an online game in nothing but my boxers, when suddenly a girl joined my team. I immediately felt embarrassed and put some pants on. There were no webcams involved. I need to get ...
Today, I saw my reflection in the computer screen and I thought I looked quite nice. I tried to take a screenshot. FML
Today, I was at work when a customer, who was going to pay for her groceries, started sorting through her money. She put some coins in her mouth, seemed to suck on them for a while, and then gave the...
Today, I couldnt find my hairbrush anywhere; I ended up having to brush my hair with a fork. FML
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