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intake: lowfat chocolate milk (makes my stomach stop growling), 3 pieces of chex mix, and a tall soy peppermind mocha.im still never good enough.
now, i cant stop. i cant help but hate what i see in the mirror: wide shoulders, big boobs, stomach, fat cheeks, touching thighs. fucking disgusting, right?intake: probably about a cup of strawberry/...
i appreciate the random happy days that get sprinkled in my path every once in a while: saw charlie for the first time in a week, had 1 1/2 biscuts, 1/2 bowl of vegetable soup and was stuffed, ...
weak. fat. worthless. angry. out of control.rock bottom never felt so... real. its a slap in the face; a rude awakening reminding you youre not perfect. its reminding me that no matter how secure i t...
im back to never looking in a mirror longer than 5 seconds. im back to restricting, counting, fasting. im back to begging for chestbones and a protruding spine. im back to insecurities and bad days. ...
i hate the happy M: im comfortable in my disgusting, fat skin. the worst part is its a sickening, false security.my life from a first glance is lovely: i go to a great school, i have amazing friends,...
surgery was the easy part: recoverys been hard. i have no appetite, so my parents are forcefeeding me.
got my first-semester grades back: B+, C, C, D.im a loser. im on academic probation. i cant do anything right. im cutting, taking hydrocodine, and going to bed.
ive been a hurricane. but now im home with my parents, preparing for my wrist surgery on friday.im texting my J, while M from the summer is skyping me. i feel like hes trying to throw everything in m...
i ate too much (not just because eating anything is too much). now my stomach hurts: its my well-deserved punishment.1 final down, 3 to go.
binge. arguments. hangovers. studying.i hate this weekend.i really dont feel like talking about it, but me and J are fighting: well, more like J made me mad and i cant deal with him. he got drunk las...
ate lunch: salad and about a cup of cream of broccoli soup. (id assume around 350calories?). i rode Charlie before, then im riding again after, so ill burn around (-400calories).why do i do this to m...
"my face looks skinnier.""your whole body looks skinnier." N politely notices.thats because i havent eaten a real meal since the weekend. i want to throw in her face, but i cant.ive s...
i can feel the similar slipping sensation; depression feels like youre losing your mind. nothing matters anymore -- im past the point of saving. theres no more balancing act: theres nothing left to b...
ate 15 mike&ikes, but thats less than 100calories, and i rode twice yesterday. not totally concerned, considering im on my period (so im bloaty) and i can see hipbones.at 12:30 today, i will be drivi...
i feel like shit. im on my period, im bloaty, and my stomachs throwing a fit, but i refuse to eat.got back from riding Charlie, then going to class, then riding again, then going to class again.whoop...
yesterday was good: it was freezing, but i didnt eat a lot and spent the whole afternoon smiling, being cordial, and freezing my ass off. Js parents seemed to love me, which is good.today i fasted un...
since my lowest, i have gained nearly twenty pounds. a lot has happened since my lowest -- my body is deteriorating. my knees kill me, my back hurts, etc. it is physically impossible for me to r...
who is this girl in the mirror?she smiles like me, but her swollen cheeks arent mine.she stands like me, but her touching thighs arent mine.she dresses like me, but her clothes dont fit like mine.she...
coffee, fasting, homework, and laxatives.id be lying if i said i wasnt going to eat at thanksgiving; however, im going to fast/restrict until then.
ive been eating awful, but ill do better tomorrow.thats one good thing about my demon: even when i fail, i can fix it. its not like a carcrash or a hook-up; i can fix every mistake i make the next da...
stop wishing, craving, whining.start fasting, starving, controlling.thats all. thats my new motto.
"if you enjoy feeling dull, overweight and lethargic put this bottle down, pick up that donut and prepare to cry yourself to sleep on the couch again..."
i was so insane friday, and yet J texts me today, after taking care of me all night, and reminds me that today is officially our one month anniversary. he is ridiculous, and it makes me melt.i didnt ...
i have to eat tonight, because im getting drunk out of my mind.i wont be able to fast this weekend, but ill be restricting.
broke a basically 2-day fast with disgusting pizza and a salad.A guilted me into getting breakfast with her, i ate 7 pieces of pineapple, 6 pieces of honey dew, a small banana, 3 small links of turke...
finally, i am back.intake includes an apple (without the skin) and a indulgent grande soy toffee mocha.outtake includes walk/trotting charlie for atleast 45 minutesi only had the apple because i was ...
the dream feels so real.im at a partying with my friend N. im taking shots with faces i cant see, people i dont know. suddenly, M appears out of nowhere. im drunk, and i cant stop him. we go up to hi...
this weekend, i did nothing but focus on my riding; while it was bad for my ever-growing stomach, hips, etc, it was good for my shrinking soul.tomorrow, i am fasting. and every time my stomach growls...
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