I am now the editor of The Hairpin, a sister site to The Awl. Please come check it out!
Hey, remember this blog? No? Me neither! The blog is like “help me please I’m dying,” and I’m like “shut the fuck up!” Anyway, I’m doing a reading this Wedne...
This sea creature loves white wine! Also, I’ll be reading [really old stuff] at the Supershow at CoCo 66 in Greenpoint in a couple of weeks. July 8. Come by if you’re free! And please say...
After a while, chopped-off head girl got tired of having no body. “Everyone thinks I’m a freak,” she said to her friends. And even though her friends told her she wasn’t, she still felt self-consciou...
Quick note—I’m doing two readings in the next couple weeks: Paper Cone Stories on Wednesday, April 28, from 8 - 10pm, at Jack’s Stir Brew in the West Village. It’s free, there...
I wish I could invent a house that I only had to clean once and it would stay clean forever. Every so often I’d test it by sprinkling little bits of dirt on the floor, but it’d always just disappear ...
A very short story. Once upon a time there was a fart who ran away and lived in a tree. Her mom was like “OMG you’re going to get lost, come back down and hide inside this blanket,” but the fart was ...
The girl with just a head and no body had no problem meeting guys. Everywhere she went on her special rolling cart, guys were always flirting with her and trying to buy her drinks, and she almost alw...
Out of the corner of my eye I saw something moving on my bookcase, so I turned to check it out. I thought worst-case scenario there would be a bug walking on one of the shelves, so I was surprised to...
Hi! I’m doing a handful of readings this month: -Wednesday, February 3: Big Terrific comedy show, hosted by Gabe Liedman and Max Silvestri, at Cameo in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Doors at 8pm, sho...
Do you ever wish you woke up in the hospital? All your loved ones would be there, and a doctor would look down at you with a serious expression and say, “You were in a very serious accident, and unfo...
A very short story. “So, do you come here often?” he asked, leaning toward me with a twinkle in his eye. We had been exchanging flirtatious glances across the bar all night—finally he was making a mo...
A very short story. Right as I was drifting to sleep, a thumping noise in my bedroom startled me awake, and I gasped. “Who’s there?” I said, sitting up and pulling the covers tight around me. “Who’s ...
A very short story. “Kelly, who do you have a crush on?” I asked my friend Kelly. We were at her house for a sleepover. “Well…” she said slowly with a shy smile. “There is this one guy…” “OMG who!?” ...
A very short story. It was the day of my big interview, but I didn’t know whether to wear my nice pantsuit or this gross old t-shirt that I like. There were definitely a lot of pros for each—with the...
A very short story. “Tell me a joke,” I said to my husband George. “I’m feeling really sad.” “Hmm,” he said. “Let me think.” “OK,” I said, slumping in my chair with my head propped up on my hand. “Al...
Hi! Some quick self-promotion and other-person promotion: 1) I wrote another Letters to the Editors of Women’s Magazines column for The Awl. I hope you like it! 2) If you like me, you will love...
A very short story. I saw him just as the train doors were closing. Tall, handsome, perfect. Our eyes locked. “Wait,” he mouthed, raising a hand. “Don’t go!” But it was too late. The doors had closed...
Do you ever wake up and imagine how awesome it would be if you didn’t have to get dressed? I do—I hate getting dressed. It would also be great if I didn’t always have to brush my teeth—it’s boring. A...
A very short story. “John, I just had the best day of my life!” I said to my friend John. “Oh my god, Mary, that’s amazing!” he said. “What happened!?” “Just kidding,” I said. “It was normal.” “Oh, o...
Hey guys! If you want to pay $10 to watch me read some of these stories that you can otherwise read for free online, here on this website, I am competing in a Literary Death Match this Thursday, Nove...
A very short story. “I’m going to the drug store,” I said to my husband Don. “Why?” he asked. “I just need to,” I said. He gave me a weird look. “Why won’t you tell me?” “Ugh,” I said. “Nevermi...
A very short story. “Who stole my glasses!?” I cried. “They were right here!” I said, banging my fist on the spot where I last saw them. I looked around at my students, furious. “Which one of you lit...
A very short story. I was at a party when this super-hot guy came up to me. He was like seven feet tall with retardedly huge muscles and super-tight clothes. Inwardly, I was like “Oh my god!” but out...
OK very quick! I’ve been doing some other writing and I thought I’d put it here briefly: For the Huffington Post: How To Make Your Husband a Nice Dinner. And for The Awl: Letters to the E...
A very short story. I was washing my mug in the office kitchen when I heard someone come in behind me. I turned around and saw it was my friend Christina. She’s not really my friend, but she’s like a...
A very short story. “Hi kids!” I said to the trick-or-treaters who had gathered on my porch. “Do you guys like candy?” I asked as I brought out the Halloween bowl. “Yes!” they screamed. “How much?” I...
A very short story. “What’s for dinner?” I asked my husband Paul. “It’s a surprise,” he called from the kitchen. “A good surprise or a bad surprise?” I called back. “Not telling,” he said. “Oh,...
A very short story. “Listen,” I said to my husband George. “George, I want a divorce.” “What?!” he cried, turning to look at me from his special perch in the bay window, where he likes to sit and loo...
A very short story. “Little Jimmy Davidson is here for his checkup, Dr. Hartwell,” my secretary said over the telecom. “Little Jimmy!” I said in return. “Perfect, perfect. Send him in immediately.” “...
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