Food 10:00 p.m. EST/9:00 p.m. CST Four days after Kaitlins decision to call off the engagement, host Adam Viscardi gazes vacantly into the camera while absentmindedly eating half a box of pancake mix.
MIAMI, FL—Realizing this would most likely be their last date, Keith Monroe grabbed a big thing of Q-tips from Shari Kales bathroom and stuffed them in his back pocket.
New York mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that he would seek to ban the sale of any soda or other sugary beverage larger than 16 ounces. What do you think?
Standing By The Assad Regime: An Onion Special Report On Remaining Loyal To Old Friends
An area man is winded after a particularly lengthy Wendys order, the NRA sets 1,000 killed in a school shooting as the amount it would take them to reconsider much of anything, and a Ford assembly li...
BALTIMORE—Despite well over a decade of futility before their hot start this season, the Baltimore Orioles, currently tied for first in the AL East, told reporters Thursday they trust in one an...
The Flaming Lips Wayne Coyne just unveiled "Thunder Up," a psyche-up song calculated to spur the Oklahoma City Thunder to victory. As we see here, its hardly the first time a team has had its...
Antique Store Celebrates 750,000th Oh, Just Looking
CHICAGO—Calling it a banner day for breakfast science, a team of Quaker researchers announced Wednesday that theyve unlocked the oatmeal genome, and can now successfully produce the worlds olde...
One hundred representatives from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will be marching at the head of the Salt Lake City pride parade to show support for the LGBT community. What do you th...
NEW YORK—The National Basketball Association is in custody today after law enforcement officials found the professional sports league to be in possession of more than 4,800 ounces of high-poten...
Bufferin Sought In Series Of Pain Killings
COBB COUNTY, GA—Big-box home improvement giant the Home Depot, which has generously supported the U.S.
A southern white rhinoceros at the San Antonio Zoo made an effort not to look suicidal in front of children.
DEARBORN, MI—Sources said Tuesday that Bruce Garver, a 42-year-old assembly line foreman at the Ford Motor Companys Dearborn, MI, plant, is giving serious consideration to asking a cute welding...
New Vikings Stadium To Forego Retractable Roof For Individual Fan Domes
Guy With Lots Of Things Wrong With Him Shows Up Enthusiastically Greeting Everyone At High School Reunion
Following an incident in Colombia in which Secret Service agents drank excessively and hired prostitutes, the head of the agency was called before Congress to discuss the scandal and its fallout. Her...
NEW YORK—According to a growing consensus of U.S. poets, shadows—inky sharp as a ravens beak—meet the sullen bloat of clouds, their hues a pallid loam, each a dancer, each alone, li...
God Returns From Two-Millenium-Long Vacation
Lifetime 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST Just when she thought she erased the stigma of Lyme disease in her small town, Mary overhears neighbors discussing their love of ticks.
ROCKFORD, IL—Brian Patrick, 60, dragged himself into a Days Inn conference room to tell people how to achieve innovation excellence.
Hoping To Break Slump, Rickie Weeks Chewing Increasing Amounts Of Tobacco, Bubble Gum, Sunflower Seeds, Pine Tar All At Once
Dear The Onion, Last week you published a letter from me—Jim Swanson—but guess what? That wasnt me, that was my identical twin brother, Tim. Ha-ha, got you! Jim Swanson (or is it Tim?!), ...
With his victory in the Texas primary, Mitt Romney has amassed enough delegates to secure the Republican nomination for president. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—With the election less than six months away, a nationwide Gallup poll released Wednesday found that Money Man has now pulled even with Black Guy in the 2012 presidential race.
Running Man Passes Screaming Man
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