Today, I took my daughter to the dentist to get three cavities filled. After spending two hours in the office, they realized that they did the wrong teeth. We had to pay for all six fillings. FML
Today, my girlfriend sexted me for the first time in months. Half way through reading it I was getting kind of hot. Then I found a spelling mistake and all I could think to do was correct her. She wo...
Today, I picked off what I thought was a small bug feeding on my skin. I was wrong. It was a mole. I spent the last 30 minutes trying to stop the continuous bleeding. FML
Today, I got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. I called AAA, and they said it would take 2 hours to get there. They called 2 hours later saying they got a flat tire and would be there in another ...
Today, a cute guy in a bar came up to me, and we started chatting. I’m a natural blonde, and he commented on how nice my hair was. He then followed this up with, “Does the carpet match the curtains?”...
Today, my religious parents were hosting a family dinner. Not only did we have to wait over an hour for my grandma to finally show up, but when she did, she had her 30 year old boytoy in tow. Apparen...
Today, I was painting of my room. I told my mom NOT to open the door because I was on a ladder behind it, with a paint can on top of the ladder as well. So she barges right in to ask me what I said. ...
Today, my friend and I went for a late night walk along the beach. We decided to sit down on a log. It was a dead seal. FML
Today, my dad told me he doesn’t care if I die, as long as he can have the 100,000 dollars from my life insurance. My dad sees profit in my death. FML
Today, I told my mom I wanted to try out for the track team. Her exact words were “good luck, fatty”. FML
Today, I finally noticed that my wife only shaves her bush when she goes on “business trips.” FML
Today, at dinner, I accidentally let it slip that I’d taken a small sip of alcohol a few years ago and hated it. My extremely strict parents are now trying to get me into rehab. FML
Today, my eight year old son came to me and said he thinks it’s time he started wearing bras. It turns out his older brother has been mind-fucking him for the past several months and has him convince...
Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend for the first time. He was so nervous, he broke down in tears after failing to unclasp my bra after multiple fumbling attempts. Mood? Ruined. FML
Today, my parents woke me up at 4 am and informed me of their impending divorce. They then woke me up again three hours later and told me “never mind”. This same routine happens several times a month...
Today, my son drew in Sharpie all over the wall, so I spanked him as punishment. When my boss came over for dinner, my son shouted, “Daddy made me take my punishment in the butt.” FML
Today, I was feeling a little naughty, so I put on a sexy outfit, laid down on the hood of my boyfriend’s car, and waited for him to find me. When he came into the garage and saw me, he freaked out a...
Today, my boyfriend’s mother walked in on us having sex. He started crying and ran into the bathroom where my clothes were located, leaving me to deal with his mother. Naked. FML
Today, as I was taking the bus home I sat down next to a man wearing an FML shirt. While snickering I said to him ” You totally deserved it”. I guess he thought that comment deserved a broken nose. F...
Today, I realized that since I started working full time, the only friend I have left is my cat. Lonely and bored out of my mind, I told him about my day. He decided to end the conversation by shitti...
Today, after being recently laid off at work due to “cutbacks”, I went job searching around town. During my drive, I cruised past my old workplace and saw a “now hiring” sign in their window. FML
Today, I learned that my daughter’s gerbils are not afraid of the vacuum cleaner. FML
Today, I went on a date with a seemingly nice guy I met online. He was drunk when I got there. Within the first 10 minutes, he had told me I was “like Hitler but with boobs”, and I was “offensive to ...
Today, I returned home from a three-week vacation. None of my friends realized I’d been gone. FML
Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML
Today, I sent some “specific” pictures to my boyfriend. Right as the message sent, I realized I hit DAD instead of DAN. FML
Today, whenever I do something that the kid I am babysitting likes, he pats me on the head and says “good girl”. I’m whipped by a seven year old. FML
Today, at work, our team started a new sales strategy of selling flowers to men by asking them to buy one for their lovely ladies. The first guy I ask ends up crying and telling me his wife passed aw...
Today, my six year old son came up to me with his arms spread and said, “I feel like a hug.” I got really excited and hopeful because he is very anti-social and hates physical contact. As soon as I s...
Today, the plant on my windowsill fell and landed in my face while I was napping. It’s a cactus. FML
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