shitmydadsays: "Any idiot can get lucky once. Takes a special idiot to get lucky twice." New book #ISuckAtGirls out today. An excerpt: http://t.co/e7MIjXgl
shitmydadsays: "No. Politicians dont wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a shit."
shitmydadsays: "No. I like talking, I just hate people. If I could find other shit to talk to, Id be all for it." Pre-order new book http://t.co/NMNaDkNc
shitmydadsays: "No, you can be ugly and get laid. You just gotta be willing to screw someone uglier than you." Pre-order new book: http://t.co/NMNaDkNc
shitmydadsays: "You screw without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don’t get to have the dog without the dog shit.” Pre-order new book: http://t.co/NMNaDkNc
shitmydadsays: "No. You dont even have hair on your balls." Story from my new book about asking my dad to explain sex when I was 9. http://t.co/VgZA030W
shitmydadsays: "Youre not going bald...No, I meant youre not GOING bald cause youre already fucking bald. Dont make me live in your fantasy land."
shitmydadsays: "Your favorite team doesnt give a fuck about you." A short story about my dads thoughts on sports. http://t.co/m7a5TS1M
shitmydadsays: "Valentines day is bullshit. Our DNA demands we fuck each other, so if you need a holiday to talk your wife into screwing you, its over."
shitmydadsays: "These candidates are dog shit. All were doing is picking out the dick thats going to fuck us."
shitmydadsays: A response to my dads question, "What happens when they cancel a shitty TV show like yours?" http://t.co/2HzXdGQC
shitmydadsays: My dad explains why he thinks internet comments will end the world. http://t.co/h7g0FY3F
shitmydadsays: "Im in Cincinnati at a waffle house thats across from 2 waffle houses. Everyones fat. This city is fucking hall of fame of Diabetes."
shitmydadsays: "Bullshit. War aint over till people stop shooting. You cant say youre done taking a crap if shits still coming out of your ass."
shitmydadsays: "There wont be humans in 500 years. Enough people choke themselves when they jerk off we gave it a name. We aint a species made to last."
shitmydadsays: "Bullshit. Dont pretend you dont care about your birthday. Its like watching a hooker pretend shes out for a walk when cops drive by."
shitmydadsays: "You cant come...Because its not a vacation if my family is with me. I could vacation in my fucking house if you people left it."
shitmydadsays: "Hes nice now but he WAS an asshole. Just cause a piece of shit dries up and stops smelling, doesnt mean its not still a piece of shit."
shitmydadsays: "You didnt get a good deal, you were just fucked gently. Trust me, Best Buy will not be the one with the sore asshole tomorrow."
shitmydadsays: "WENT through an awkward phase? What phase you think youre in now? Ever seen yourself walk up stairs? Its like a T-rex that shit himself."
shitmydadsays: "So he likes drugs and hookers. Thats the mustard & mayo on the sandwich of life. Problem is, thats all hes got on his fucking sandwich."
shitmydadsays: "I just dont wanna celebrate a bullshit holiday. Im plenty romantic. I own a home and have never shit my pants. Two things you cant say."
shitmydadsays: "No. Aliens exist, I just dont think they came millions of light years just to see earth. Be like driving 1000 miles to go to an Arbys"
shitmydadsays: "No thanks. I dont need a party to celebrate New Years. All I need is a bottle of bourbon and a t-shirt that hangs down passed my balls."
shitmydadsays: "Everyone thinks their opinion matters. Dont argue with a nobody. A farmer doesnt bother telling a pig his breath smells like shit."
shitmydadsays: "No. I want the salad...Live a little? Im ordering lunch. I dont have a choice between salad or fucking skydiving."
shitmydadsays: Sorry, shit my dad says got hacked. My dad isnt trying to sell you a crappy lap top, I promise. Dont open any links.
shitmydadsays: "Hes a politician. Its like being a hooker. You cant be one unless you can pretend to like people while youre fucking them."
shitmydadsays: "You dont have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least shitty option. Example: Were eating at The Olive Garden."
shitmydadsays: "Nervous? In 5 billion years the sun will burn out and nothing you did will matter. Feel better?" (Show airs tonight! 830/730c CBS)
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