Today, my boyfriend came with me to my first prenatal gynecologist appointment. Half way through the pap smear, I look over and see him grinning pervertedly and staring down the doctors shirt. FML
Today, after breaking down in front of my therapist over some really sensitive issues, she decided to also break down. Not about my story but about her own life. Im not being paid to comfort and cons...
Today, for Valentines Day, my boyfriend gave me the half-eaten chocolate bar that I left in his fridge two weeks ago. FML
Today, I asked a good friend what she thought would make me more attractive towards women. Her advice was, "Dont be yourself." FML
Today, it appears that its Single Loser Awareness Day. FML
Today, after finally returning to my house after over a year overseas, I found that my neighbours built a wall covering the only window in my bedroom. Not only is my room eternally musty and pitch bl...
Today, my dad got so drunk that he proposed to me. FML
Today, I walked into two things. The first was a spiderweb. The second, due to blind panic, was oncoming traffic. FML
Today, the only card I got for Valentines Day was in my mothers handwriting, and she posted it through the front door herself. She still wont admit its from her. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that the only reason he put me through so much heartache last year was because the make-up sex was awesome. FML
Today, I spent an hour cleaning my already-clean house to avoid any form of conversation with my boyfriend. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me. Apparently, the mafia is out to get him. FML
Today, I received an e-mail from my girlfriends parents telling me that all the dirty e-mails Ive been sending to her while she is away have been accessible by the whole family. FML
Today, I finally received my passport. Too bad my flight to Italy left last week. FML
Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to shit out a second story window is a very bad idea. FML
Today, my bra burst apart in the middle of class. I then had the privilege of asking my male teacher if I could borrow his stapler to put it back together. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend out for a fancy dinner to celebrate our anniversary. When the waitress came, we instantly recognized each other. She was the girl Id had a one night stand with a few weeks...
Today, my misanthropic malcontent of a son smashed my air freshener and turned my faulty lava lamp on in a twisted act of rebellion. The bottom of the lamp broke and got wax everywhere. My room now s...
Today, I was talking to a friend about how many germs live on the average cell phone. My five year old son apparently overheard me talking, and decided to give my cell phone a bath. FML
Today, I sent out a text saying "Smile! Youre beautiful and dont let anyone tell you otherwise." to most of my contacts. I got one reply, from my best friend, saying, "Are you fucking stu...
Today, I got pulled over. When the cop asked where I was coming from, reflexively I said, "Your moms house." FML
Today, in the midst of having sex, my boyfriend decided that, as a joke, he would pretend to be a zombie whilst going down on me. Sadly, the thought turned me so much that I came. This was the first ...
Today, I visited the doctor. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I...
Today, I cracked a rib coughing. FML
Today, I got a text from my mom saying, "I heard the cupcake store got robbed. Where are you?" Then she texted back, "Oh never mind, they wanted money, not cupcakes. It wasnt you." Ve...
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because, I "always wear that stupid little hat." Im Jewish. FML
Today, I was informed that my boyfriends mother will be joining us on our Valentines dinner. Im not sure if this mommas boy thing is going to work out. FML
Today, I had to pick my grandma up because she was drunk, at church, at 9am. FML
Today, even though she can barely deal with raising kids, my 19-year-old sister announced her fourth pregnancy, by a fourth man, of yet another race. Why? Because she wants to "be like Angelina J...
Today, my parents were out, so I lit up my first ever joint. I got so stoned out of my mind that when my dad came back home and asked what the smell was, I said a stray cat had left an upper-decker i...
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