Health Decline + Womanhood

I’ll preface this with TMI.

I haven’t been me for a while, and I’ve written that often. I’ve tried waking up earlier but I can’t get out of bed. I’ve tried meal planning but I can’t stop myself from going into the kitchen. I’ve tried to smile but it’s like I haven’t seen colors in months. So when I saw this video I shared it, I felt like it was me. But it wasn’t. It was the story of hundreds of women, and I learned that after I posted it.

It was at this time that a friend also reached out with a pill that had worked for her and I noticed our dosages of hormones were different. “Is that a low-dose pill?” I asked her. “Yes,” she replied. I was confused and hurt. I was supposed to be on a low-dose hormone, as well, due to both my medical history and history of depression. But let’s go back to why I even started on hormonal birth control again. I’ve always been your classic regular 28-day cycle kind of gal. From (almost) the moment I started to menstruate it was regular. But after children it became irregular. We started natural family planning in between Millie and Addie, I also took the mini pill because I was pumping for 18 months. In fact, birth control became so expensive that the cost actually assisted in our decision to have another baby- if you can imagine that logic… But the disarray of our Healthcare in this country is a whole other topic. This is about what happens in medical mix-ups and how life-altering it can be for a woman.

It all started…

In October I had random, and then heavy, bleeding. As it turned out I was having an early miscarriage. This was an unplanned pregnancy and though emotionally traumatizing, I didn’t feel the same pain as our first loss. I hadn’t even known- or I keep telling myself that. I remember calling Dave when I wasn’t home to tell him about this random blood- almost asking him to calm me without having to actually ask. And he did. And I thought it would pass.
But it didn’t. And I bled heavily for most days, for months. I finally was so depleted I called my doctor and we started on a progesterone-only pill. This did not help and I continued to bleed. So I agreed to take the classic pill, but requested a low-dose hormone version. The prescription was written by someone that was not my regular OBGYN because she was not back from a leave. It was during that appointment that I also started to show signs of depression which was noted in my file, and handled by handing me a packet of names and telling me to call them if I wanted to. Again the state of our mental health system is a whole other topic, but this is how I was treated.
Months on this pill, 18 pounds, acne, depression, disinterest in life, physical activity, and even cooking- one of my absolute favorite things to do- began to dwindle. And I was in a hole. I tried to attribute the depression to not handling a miscarriage, end of the year blues, cold weather. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that wasn’t it. All of my feelings began around the point of starting birth control again. I’m sharing this because we can take control. And to remind you all that we have to talk about what’s going on in order to get answers.
I am starting a new birth control and hoping that in the next few weeks my hormones level out, my depression begins to fade, I begin to find happiness and joy and all the things that I did before. I can’t wait to love cooking, playing outside, even cleaning- yes I love to clean- again. I can’t wait to go on a long run and not feel dread. I can’t wait to lift weights and feel the endorphins coursing through my body again. I can’t wait to cook dinners with Addie and play tag with Millie and feel good.

I can’t wait to feel good again.

If Dave and I were done having children, 100% sure we were done… I know we’d have other options. I am blessed to know I am supported by him and that he would take the steps necessary to stop my need for hormonal control.
Had my body remained the same post babies, natural family planning would have remained a viable answer for us, but it’s irresponsible for our family to choose that route. The pain I experienced with IUDs is just not worth it to attempt again, and to continue with a pill that was breaking down both my mental and physical state just could not stand. Since October I have been distracted, moody, short-tempered. I’ve been painfully depressed to the point of physical pain, which has strained my relationships from work to personal, and it will take months to heal. But there is a path and I know it is well worn by myself, and warrior women before me. So I will walk it and continue to wear down the stigma surrounding birth, motherhood, hormonal birth control, depression, postpartum depression, and so much more that we battle as women every day just by being women.

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