Ugly Lamp Contest 2015: Round One
Are your senses tingling?
Do you have unexplained goosebumps?
Is a gnawing sense of dread growing in the pit of your stomach?
That must be because the UGLY LAMP CONTEST is upon us, and it starts RIGHT NOW!!!
*fanfare, confetti, trumpets*
(Or, more accurately):
*fart noises, rancid clouds of smoke, tears of the innocent*
Yay! Woo! Hooray!
I can’t wait to get this party started, but first of all I must thank everyone who sent in their ugly lamp photos. You’re the reason the Ugly Lamp Contest has managed to exist for six years now. SIX years! WOW. So thank you, thank you!
I was really worried that we just couldn’t top last year’s winner, Beef Femur, but I think it’s safe to say that you guys pulled through again. Unfortunately, I could only choose 18 ugly lamps, which means a lot of truly horrendous lamps got left out. I try my hardest to choose the widest selection of ugly to offer you and your tender eyeballs, and even made a little categorized chart to organize each style of lamp to keep things evened out. In case you are curious, those categories were “Figurine,” “Animal,” “Just Weird,” and … “Demonic.”
Yeah, this year is going to be a scary one.
Anyway, please don’t feel bad if your lamp didn’t make the cut. Perhaps it was too similar to a lamp I’ve already featured in the previous years. (I was terrified to discover that there is more than one lamp in the universe made from deer feet). Or maybe you are one of the many people who sent in a pig lamp, and I couldn’t choose just one. (So. Many. Pig. Lamps. So. Many. Whys?) But in any case, thanks again for submitting your photos and participating in the contest! You are what makes it happen.
A quick recap of how this works for the new kids: There are three rounds of six lamps each. Voting is held each day, with the top two highest-scoring lamps in each round moving on to the final round on Thursday. We vote on the final six, and the triumphant winner is crowned on Friday! Please be sure to come back and vote everyday this week!
And now it’s finally here ….
The moment you’ve waited all year for …
The moment Dramamine was invented for …
The moment it’s too late to turn back from now …
Round One of the 2015 Ugly Lamp Contest has begun!
I call this one “Pepto-Painted Primate Perches Pensively in Pearls.” I admit, those tasteful strands of pearls really fooled me at first, but upon closer inspection I was like “Oh wait, this lamp might be actually be a little bit ugly after all.” (sarcasm)
from Amber
My, what blue eyes you have! My, what a … uh … nice tan you have! My, what a strange pipe you have. That IS a pipe, right? Because my only other guess is that a stray tooth has escaped the confines of your mouth and is now jutting uncomfortably out through your face. Probably the least of your worries either way.
The electricity-meter lamp is perfect for when you are a joyless bitter soul and want your guests to know exactly how many kilowatts per hour you’ve wasted on their miserable company. Now turn off the lights and go away.
Anyone who has vacationed in the islands longs to bring a little piece of it back home. Sure, you could buy some postcards or souvenirs, or bring back a little bottle of sand, but wait! I have something better. For the bargain price of $124, you can remember your tropical getaway every day for the rest of your life with this heavily shellacked monstrosity of a lamp! Made from what amounts to palm tree garbage, this ‘wishing well’ features shoddily nailed together parts, jagged and dangerous edges, and a dusty old lightbulb! You’ll ‘wish’ you’d have bought one for every room in your house!!! Aloha!
No words necessary.
But therapy, yes. Lots and lots of therapy necessary. And a fresh set of underwear.
Maybe two.
Vote now! And don’t be shy about leaving your own thoughts in the comments! That’s the very best part of this whole thing.
Can’t see the poll? Click here.Come back tomorrow to see which lamps will be moving on, and to vote for the next crop of uglies in Round Two!
