[ 28 Weeks and Some Honest Thoughts About Pregnancy The 2nd Time ]

Pregnancy the second time around is so weird. There I said it. I just can't get into it. Maybe my brain is in a million directions. Maybe I'm still processing our move after the house build. Maybe I'm still processing some of the life events that have happened since we found out we were pregnant in November (and then how can I forget the 3 months of morning sickness from hell?). I talked to my mom and some girlfriends about it tonight and they all reassured me my feelings are normal and valid and pretty common for the second baby.
But I feel, naturally, very guilty about it. Like I value her less, or I'm less excited about her. When in truth, it's not that I'm not excited about her. I think I am just tired. And she's not even here yet. And I know what's coming.
With the first baby, everything is so euphoric. Walking down the aisles at ByeByeBaby, with the registry gun and clicking away on a whole bunch of stuff you'll eventually never use but gosh darn it, it is so fun and you are so excited. And the baby showers and all the gifts and your changing body and seeing it do things you've never seen it do before.
It's no less magical the second time around. She is everything we have waited for, and prayed for, planned for, and wanted. It's just so different.
I am trying to get into baby stuff and fold her clothes and walk through her nursery and just feel something... but I don't. I feel so blank. Like I am about to enter into a stormy, beautiful down pour and I know what that downpour is like. Beautiful and glorious and yet wet and exhausting and downright painful. Kind of a horrible analogy but I just know what is coming this time around because I've experienced it. And I know what it's like to be so tired you don't even know what day it is and to put shower gel in your hair thinking it's shampoo and oh yeah, even forgetting to rinse it all out.
This season with a toddler is already crazy town. Eden is such a good baby but she's getting a tad bit wilder lately, a heck of a lot more picky and opinionated, and she's just down right feisty. There are all of the things I need to do before and after this next baby comes: potty train, take away the pacifier, switch to a big girl crib. Things that don't have to happen right now. But things that will have to eventually happen, and holy cow, there will be another baby to attend to, too.
Writing this out is helping me process this more. Hopefully it will help another mama out with another baby on the way. Someone else who is feeling a tad bit frazzled and tired.
That being said, I truly am counting down the days with anticipation before I meet this sweet new babe of mine. I can't believe we are getting to experience this again. God is SO good and so faithful. Another blessing. Another baby conceived in month one. Another baby that we prayed for and God thought so fitting to give her to us the same exact week that he gave us Eden. I mean, you can't get more crazy than that?! We are so excited to meet you baby girl. We know your name and we love praying over you each night as we say it out loud.
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Baby E...
I feel you kick constantly; you are so much more active than your sister was.
A part of me wonders if this is reflective of your personality, or if you will, indeed, be the notorious second child with the laid-back personality.
I'm carrying you a lot lower, and every kick and punch and roll is felt so strongly.
I love talking to you and feeling you and singing to you.
I love how you move when I hold your sister and when I coo at a little newborn.
I adore the sweet pictures we have of you and look at them every night before bed.
I cherish calling you by name and praying over you.
I get giddy walking into your room and dreaming up ideas of how to decorate it.
I feel nostalgic going through all of this over again; since you have almost the same due date as your sister, almost every growing week and month is a triggered memory.
I get excited shopping for you, researching cribs and thinking about nursing you.
I feel nothing but love. We all do. You will be the perfect addition to our family.
We adore you already. We can not wait to meet you. We love you so.