Shannon Dew

It's Not What I Expected...


As a little girl I dreamed of being a mom. I played "house" longer than any of my friends. My favorite movies were ones with babies in them {Three Men and a Baby, Baby Boom}. I wanted to hold any and all babies at family functions. I would look through the JCP catalog-baby section and pick out my baby and then go through all the clothes and gear and chose which ones I would pick for said baby. I was a bit obsessed.
After Jimmy and I got married, like on the plane ride home from our honeymoon, I wanted to be pregnant. Most people like to be married for a week before getting knocked up but I secretly hoped it had happened in Mexico. My husband even said to me, "let's wait a little bit, once we're parents we're always going to be parents, let's be husband and wife for a while".

I remember sobbing when he told me that. In that moment he may as well have said, "I DON'T EVER WANT KIDS EVER WITH YOU EVER!!!", because that's how I took it.

Go ahead and call me crazy. I would agree with you.

I had all these thoughts and feelings about motherhood. What I had seen in movies and magazines, fake portrayals of the hardest job in world, made it all look so fun and easy. Certainly I would be the same way when I became a mother. Obviously I would greet my children with a smile and open arms when they woke up every day. I would definitely keep up on house work with minimal complaints. Dinner would be hot n' ready by 5 o'clock and the children would go to bed {and sleep all night} with no complaints. Right?

Wrong.

This "job" is nothing like I had imagined and maybe that's because I'm not the mother I had imagined I would be.

I lose my temper. I say things that I would DIE if I heard other parents say to their kids. I am preoccupied. I don't serve the healthiest meals. I am selfish. I don't play enough. I want more "me time". I complain too much. The list goes on.

I wanted nothing more than to be at mom, a stay-at-home-mom, and here I am, with two insanely gorgeous children and I can even fulfill my role. I let them down day after day. And before you say I'm being too hard on myself, trust me when I say I'm not.

Call it cabin fever, call it selfish, call it what you will but I am not always the best mom I can be.

There, I said it.

I don't always make them my number one priority. I tell them, "just give me 5 minutes" multiple times throughout the day. I'm constantly distracted. And very rarely do they get all of me. It seems as though I'm always in a bad mood or always irritated and there's only one person to blame for that.

ME.

They are just children. They didn't ask to be brought into this world and they certainly didn't ask to be made second best by the person who brought them in. They just want me, all of me. They want to follow me to the bathroom, to the kitchen while I'm cooking, just because they want to be with me. Today I was cleaning up one of the 492 messes and I said, "SEE! THIS is what I'm talking about!" Meaning, "THIS is what drives me crazy!" And Jimmy just started singing that, "you're gonna miss this" song...you know the one.

And while I can honestly say I do not think I will ever miss cleaning up the same thing I already cleaned 3, 4, 5 times that day, I will miss this stage of life. The stage where they want to be with me 24/7. Everything they do they include me. They think I'm the coolest person in their world. It won't be like that for long. And, if you think about it, it's kinda cool to be number one right now.

I'm the only one who can make boo-boos feel better. I'm the only one who can find "Blankie" when she's missing. I am the one they run to when they cry. I make the best pancakes. I tuck them in every night. I have kitchen dance parties with them, every day. ME. Jimmy if I'm not around but for the most part they want me. And that's pretty cool because one day that won't be the case.

One day they are going to say, "I hate you!" and slam their door in my face. One day they will be embarrassed to be seen in public with me. One day the last person they'll want to be in the same room with will be me. One day some other girl will be number one in James's life and as much as I want him to find happiness in a wife I will be sad when I'm replaced. I will miss these days.

My kids are the most important people in my life. I have been feeling "in limbo" lately, what's next, and it's giving me the itch to do something drastic. Like move out of state. I know that it will probably never happen and I know that it would be extremely hard for me to leave our families but I also know that as long as I have them, my babies, and my baby daddy that is where "home" is.

I don't know where I'm going with this other than to say this gig is not what I expected. It's not what I had dreamed of since I was a little girl. I wasn't prepared for it. If you are a mom, you get it.

Thankful for grace and a chance to start new tomorrow.
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