The Post Where I Reflect and Work Through Things With Regards to Bitty
I've been so neglectful here and there's so much to write, so many thoughts to get out and express and I'm uncertain where to begin. If I write it all, it'll be an epic brain dump, almost impossible to get through.
However, there's so much knocking at my brain, begging to get out I have to start somewhere. So, I'll start with this sweet girl right here. I'm struggling lately with her and me and the way I interact with her.
I look at this photo and I think how old she looks. She's growing up so quickly and time is getting away from me. She's more than mid-way through third grade and fourth grade (a grade I always regarded as being so old when I was in elementary school) is on the horizon. We have SOL tests looming (not SOL like you and I knew it, but "Standards of Learning"--what in the world was the state of VA thinking to come up with such an acronym??) and double digits and bras and periods and hormones and her utterly hating my guts. I could cry.
I know the majority of those things are a way off yet, but really, they're not. These nine years have truly flown by. I'm halfway through with her. Adulthood is there on the horizon. There's so much we need to do to prepare her for that, and she fights us all the way. :oS
She is, and always has been, an independent thinker. She has her ideas about the way things should be and how chores should be done, and be damned everybody else's way. There are ways to complete her chores (or any task) that I know are easier from life experience. I try to help guide her, set her up for success, and she'll look me in the eye, nod her agreement, and then go off and do it her own way. The task will then be half-done/not done properly and she'll have to do it again. And, often, yet again, at which point she and I are both utterly frustrated and irritated with the other and if she had only done it the way I (or Brien) explained, it would have been finished the first time with no tears or frustration.
I'm not saying my way is always best--for of course it's not. I'm open to suggestions. Truly. Yes, I'm a control freak (I accept this about myself, my little experiment with the broken ankle taught me nothing), but if you can explain to my why something will work better, I'll give it a go.
Lil's nine. She's growing and changing and working towards being ever more independent. I accept that. That's as it should be. With that growth and maturity come more responsibilities, and well, I'm failing her as a parent... I know I've at times expected more than is reasonable with my girls, and often have to step back and ask myself, "Rachael, is this developmentally appropriate?!?"
In this case, I seriously don't believe we're expecting too much of Miss Bit. She's a member of our family, and as such, I expect her to contribute to our household. I have created checklists so she can be sure she's finished a task completely. I have chore charts. There's allowance. I've done everything I can think of to set the child up for success, and yet, she just doesn't. She wants to do things her way, or not at all (who can blame her? Chores SUCK! I explained the other day that really, adulthood is nothing but one chore you really don't like or want to do after another, and she didn't think that was so wonderful). I can't accept not at all. :sigh: You HAVE to help out. Why do I have to nag you in order for you to do your chores? :o( I hate the nagging and the fussing and the arguing and the mouthiness and all of it. I'm NOT enjoying this part of nine.
Lil is NOT a people pleaser. I'm fine with this, truly. More than fine, really. I'm a HUGE people pleaser and I've allowed it to make life very difficult for me. I struggle to say no (still working on it after 38 years) and want to make people happy. Lily, sweet beautiful daughter or mine, is not going to suffer like that and I am so happy for her. BUT, that also creates difficulties for me at this time because she's not going to do her chores just because it makes me happy. :oS I need to find some way to tap into her inner-sense of accomplishment and self-satisfaction in a job well-done and I have no clue how to do it.
B and I visit and revisit this. I'm clueless. :o(
Otherwise, things are going beautifully for my girl. She still loves school and has the most amazing teacher this year. She's being challenged and held accountable and works towards her goals. We're still working on her reading and stick-to-itiveness, but we're getting there. She's happy and has friends and no friend struggles this year and I truly believe this may be her best year yet. :o)
She's a funny little thing. She's very comfortable talking to adults and having conversations and holding her own. She doesn't shy away from it as some children do. She is bright and knows a lot about what is going on in the world around her, but struggles, because even though she knows quite a bit, her brain isn't yet developed enough to completely comprehend world events such as ISIS. We don't shelter her, but we don't put it out there either. ISIS has been in the news so much of late, and given the recent killings of the nine Egyptian Christians, our priest had an entire homily devoted to them. Lil has my anxiety disorder (sometimes I seriously wonder if I passed on any of my good traits to my girls) and I often find myself walking her through her anxieties step-by-step so that she can see her fears are not necessarily well-grounded in reality.
Here's were I confess I lack patience with her. If you come to me and ask me what I perceive to be an exasperating question, I want to respond with sarcasm and ask, "REALLY???" in a rather frustrated tone. Why don't I have more patience for this sweet, earnest girl of mine? Why do I fuss and fuss and fuss at her? Why can't I stop and cuddle and hug and snuggle more? I'm so afraid she's going to grow up thinking I don't love her and remember me as a fussing tyrant. Why can't I meet my frustrations with her with humor? Why must I always be sharp and grumpy?
I know the teen years are right around the corner. I know she and I will grapple and fuss and fight and our house will be fraught with tension if I don't do something about this now. It preys on my mind and I go in circles wondering how I can make things better. What can I do to improve our relationship? What can I do when she doesn't do what I've asked her to (repeatedly) and she repeats incessantly, "I'm so sorry, Mommy, I'm so sorry" and all I want to do is scream because, dammit, it's constant, this apologizing and not doing what you should be do and instead are goofing off? Why can't I accept my child for who she is and work from that point? Am I not creating far more heartache for myself than need be?
She's a beautiful child with a big heart. I don't mean beautiful in appearance (although, as her mama, I'm inclined to believe she's the most beautiful child in the world), but beautiful in spirit. She can be very generous and kind to her sister. She is well-mannered and well-intentioned, so why do I feel this compelling need to "cure" her of her willfulness (like getting into a battle of wills is going to fix anything there) and lack of responsibility and disorganization? Is it because I worry for her in the "real world" and trying to function there as an adult? That's the end goal, isn't it, adulthood and independence and being a functioning and contributing member of society? Am I so focused on the future I'm missing the present and what is right in front of my face??
These are the thoughts I've struggled with and haven't really sat to write and reflect and think about. Putting them here in words, somewhat organized, is helping me see where we're headed and what I need to do. I somehow forgot how therapeutic writing is for me. I can actually feel my shoulders and neck muscles starting to relax and give a little sigh of relief. Sitting here rereading what I've written I'm inundated with niggles of ideas and plans as to how to be the best mother I can, to be the mother Lily needs.
As I was sitting in the living room the other day, looking at the profusion of kids' stuff and the messy art table, it came to me that in another few years there were will be no more toys, no more messy art projects. Before long they're going to outgrow that table and it will no longer be in my kitchen, there will no longer be a playroom. Childhood is but a blip on the timeline of my life with my girls. It'll soon be over, and I don't want to waste those precious moments I have left nagging and fussing and being grumpy and irritated. It's time to once more revisit those lessons I learned when we lost Hannah.
****************************
Sparklies:
1. Hi anon from my last post!
However, there's so much knocking at my brain, begging to get out I have to start somewhere. So, I'll start with this sweet girl right here. I'm struggling lately with her and me and the way I interact with her.
I look at this photo and I think how old she looks. She's growing up so quickly and time is getting away from me. She's more than mid-way through third grade and fourth grade (a grade I always regarded as being so old when I was in elementary school) is on the horizon. We have SOL tests looming (not SOL like you and I knew it, but "Standards of Learning"--what in the world was the state of VA thinking to come up with such an acronym??) and double digits and bras and periods and hormones and her utterly hating my guts. I could cry.
I know the majority of those things are a way off yet, but really, they're not. These nine years have truly flown by. I'm halfway through with her. Adulthood is there on the horizon. There's so much we need to do to prepare her for that, and she fights us all the way. :oS
She is, and always has been, an independent thinker. She has her ideas about the way things should be and how chores should be done, and be damned everybody else's way. There are ways to complete her chores (or any task) that I know are easier from life experience. I try to help guide her, set her up for success, and she'll look me in the eye, nod her agreement, and then go off and do it her own way. The task will then be half-done/not done properly and she'll have to do it again. And, often, yet again, at which point she and I are both utterly frustrated and irritated with the other and if she had only done it the way I (or Brien) explained, it would have been finished the first time with no tears or frustration.
I'm not saying my way is always best--for of course it's not. I'm open to suggestions. Truly. Yes, I'm a control freak (I accept this about myself, my little experiment with the broken ankle taught me nothing), but if you can explain to my why something will work better, I'll give it a go.
Lil's nine. She's growing and changing and working towards being ever more independent. I accept that. That's as it should be. With that growth and maturity come more responsibilities, and well, I'm failing her as a parent... I know I've at times expected more than is reasonable with my girls, and often have to step back and ask myself, "Rachael, is this developmentally appropriate?!?"
In this case, I seriously don't believe we're expecting too much of Miss Bit. She's a member of our family, and as such, I expect her to contribute to our household. I have created checklists so she can be sure she's finished a task completely. I have chore charts. There's allowance. I've done everything I can think of to set the child up for success, and yet, she just doesn't. She wants to do things her way, or not at all (who can blame her? Chores SUCK! I explained the other day that really, adulthood is nothing but one chore you really don't like or want to do after another, and she didn't think that was so wonderful). I can't accept not at all. :sigh: You HAVE to help out. Why do I have to nag you in order for you to do your chores? :o( I hate the nagging and the fussing and the arguing and the mouthiness and all of it. I'm NOT enjoying this part of nine.
Lil is NOT a people pleaser. I'm fine with this, truly. More than fine, really. I'm a HUGE people pleaser and I've allowed it to make life very difficult for me. I struggle to say no (still working on it after 38 years) and want to make people happy. Lily, sweet beautiful daughter or mine, is not going to suffer like that and I am so happy for her. BUT, that also creates difficulties for me at this time because she's not going to do her chores just because it makes me happy. :oS I need to find some way to tap into her inner-sense of accomplishment and self-satisfaction in a job well-done and I have no clue how to do it.
B and I visit and revisit this. I'm clueless. :o(
Otherwise, things are going beautifully for my girl. She still loves school and has the most amazing teacher this year. She's being challenged and held accountable and works towards her goals. We're still working on her reading and stick-to-itiveness, but we're getting there. She's happy and has friends and no friend struggles this year and I truly believe this may be her best year yet. :o)
She's a funny little thing. She's very comfortable talking to adults and having conversations and holding her own. She doesn't shy away from it as some children do. She is bright and knows a lot about what is going on in the world around her, but struggles, because even though she knows quite a bit, her brain isn't yet developed enough to completely comprehend world events such as ISIS. We don't shelter her, but we don't put it out there either. ISIS has been in the news so much of late, and given the recent killings of the nine Egyptian Christians, our priest had an entire homily devoted to them. Lil has my anxiety disorder (sometimes I seriously wonder if I passed on any of my good traits to my girls) and I often find myself walking her through her anxieties step-by-step so that she can see her fears are not necessarily well-grounded in reality.
Here's were I confess I lack patience with her. If you come to me and ask me what I perceive to be an exasperating question, I want to respond with sarcasm and ask, "REALLY???" in a rather frustrated tone. Why don't I have more patience for this sweet, earnest girl of mine? Why do I fuss and fuss and fuss at her? Why can't I stop and cuddle and hug and snuggle more? I'm so afraid she's going to grow up thinking I don't love her and remember me as a fussing tyrant. Why can't I meet my frustrations with her with humor? Why must I always be sharp and grumpy?
I know the teen years are right around the corner. I know she and I will grapple and fuss and fight and our house will be fraught with tension if I don't do something about this now. It preys on my mind and I go in circles wondering how I can make things better. What can I do to improve our relationship? What can I do when she doesn't do what I've asked her to (repeatedly) and she repeats incessantly, "I'm so sorry, Mommy, I'm so sorry" and all I want to do is scream because, dammit, it's constant, this apologizing and not doing what you should be do and instead are goofing off? Why can't I accept my child for who she is and work from that point? Am I not creating far more heartache for myself than need be?
She's a beautiful child with a big heart. I don't mean beautiful in appearance (although, as her mama, I'm inclined to believe she's the most beautiful child in the world), but beautiful in spirit. She can be very generous and kind to her sister. She is well-mannered and well-intentioned, so why do I feel this compelling need to "cure" her of her willfulness (like getting into a battle of wills is going to fix anything there) and lack of responsibility and disorganization? Is it because I worry for her in the "real world" and trying to function there as an adult? That's the end goal, isn't it, adulthood and independence and being a functioning and contributing member of society? Am I so focused on the future I'm missing the present and what is right in front of my face??
These are the thoughts I've struggled with and haven't really sat to write and reflect and think about. Putting them here in words, somewhat organized, is helping me see where we're headed and what I need to do. I somehow forgot how therapeutic writing is for me. I can actually feel my shoulders and neck muscles starting to relax and give a little sigh of relief. Sitting here rereading what I've written I'm inundated with niggles of ideas and plans as to how to be the best mother I can, to be the mother Lily needs.
As I was sitting in the living room the other day, looking at the profusion of kids' stuff and the messy art table, it came to me that in another few years there were will be no more toys, no more messy art projects. Before long they're going to outgrow that table and it will no longer be in my kitchen, there will no longer be a playroom. Childhood is but a blip on the timeline of my life with my girls. It'll soon be over, and I don't want to waste those precious moments I have left nagging and fussing and being grumpy and irritated. It's time to once more revisit those lessons I learned when we lost Hannah.
****************************
Sparklies:
1. Hi anon from my last post!
You were asking about this wreath? I made it last year from a grapevine wreath and flower picks and hot glue. :o) I'm so glad you like it! I saw a similar one in Michael's for $$ and there was no way I was paying THAT for a wreath I could make on my own for less than half the cost. :oP You can find my blog post about making the wreath here. I hope this helps!
2. Writing!!!!! I have missed this more than I realized! I will miss being able to go back in archives and see what we were doing a year ago, two years ago, during this absence in my writing. Drat it all. I'm better grounded when I sit and write and think aloud (so to speak).
3. My girls are playing in the woods. Let me repeat that so I can wrap my mind around it: my girls are playing in the woods. I have reached a big fat point of independence and it's so bizarre to me that I'm here. When you've been in the throes of infant, baby and toddlerhood for 13 years, it's odd when you're simply...not. Which reminds me, a post on Miss Bean must be forthcoming for five is a month away. FIVE!!!!!
4. SCG dinner last night. It's so so so delightful to be in the same place in life with two sets of friends who have children who all play together so beautifully. This group of friends is especially wonderful because we can all chat, or, we can break into groups or, we can pair off in any combination and always have excellent conversations. We're all of us comfortable with one another and I cherish it.
5. I do believe Spring is springing, even if there's a little snowflake in the forecast for next Saturday...
6. CW. Beautiful, wonderful CW. You pop into my head at least once each time I'm there, Peg. :o)
2. Writing!!!!! I have missed this more than I realized! I will miss being able to go back in archives and see what we were doing a year ago, two years ago, during this absence in my writing. Drat it all. I'm better grounded when I sit and write and think aloud (so to speak).
3. My girls are playing in the woods. Let me repeat that so I can wrap my mind around it: my girls are playing in the woods. I have reached a big fat point of independence and it's so bizarre to me that I'm here. When you've been in the throes of infant, baby and toddlerhood for 13 years, it's odd when you're simply...not. Which reminds me, a post on Miss Bean must be forthcoming for five is a month away. FIVE!!!!!
4. SCG dinner last night. It's so so so delightful to be in the same place in life with two sets of friends who have children who all play together so beautifully. This group of friends is especially wonderful because we can all chat, or, we can break into groups or, we can pair off in any combination and always have excellent conversations. We're all of us comfortable with one another and I cherish it.
5. I do believe Spring is springing, even if there's a little snowflake in the forecast for next Saturday...
6. CW. Beautiful, wonderful CW. You pop into my head at least once each time I'm there, Peg. :o)
Milestone:
Growing as a human and a mama. Accepting I need to figure out how to change to improve my relationship with my ever-changing girlie.
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