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Hi guys. Long time no speak eh.
So this is the first time I’ve sat down and actually written my blog in weeks. Probably actually before I went to Japan and that was back in March. It’s hard to explain why I’ve been trying to work out how to say things without people passing it off as a blogger just being a bit of an arsehole. Blogging full time is so much harder than most people think. It’s not just about the actual content - it’s the admin, organisation, promotion and all that jazz. I dont enjoy any of the business side of blogging, it really doesnt interest me at all. I like making content and posting and the emails, admin and scheduling stuff just bores the hell out of me. My inbox is thousands upon thousands deep upon unread mails and missed opportunities. I feel guilty but thats just what Im like.
I struggle to keep up most of the time with how intense and fast paced blogging has got over the years. I’ve got to this point where I know that I simply cant run my Youtube Channel and blog consistently at the same time. To me it’s either one or the other and that takes up all my time. I think I flip flop between loving blogging and loving vlogging but getting that middle ground where I can create something constantly good on both sides is the part I’ve found hard. I can either make quality content on my channel or on my blog, but in an ideal world I’d really like to be able to do both. Im trying to work out how to do this and make it work for me again. I really love creating and sharing, especially hearing other peoples feedback on the things that I do.
A little bit of a life update from me. Im good, I’ve been quite ill the last month on and off and I even went to hospital for a bit. I dont really talk about my personal life beyond “hey, heres a few photos of me doing something”. But I have a reoccurring illness which brings me down quite a bit and knocks me out of action for periods of time. For the moment I’m “fine” but not brilliant. But hey, I’m keeping going.
Me and my boyfriend also split up just after I got back from Japan. No I’m not sad, although it wasn't exactly mutual, but Im relived to be out of that vortex of destruction once and for all. I was a very stupid girl and regret a lot of things. It’s very easy to be blinded by someones apparent feelings for you before doing the exact thing you were worried about them doing while you were away.
As for other things, I’ve been really feeling negative about is my body. Although not nessecerily how I feel about myself more the way people talk about my body, My weight doesn’t particular bother me but it makes me feel incredibly guilty when people like to point it out. No I’m not eating 2000 cakes a day, my weights just fluctuated in the past few months mainly from being sick and on medication for that. I’ve been everything from a size 8 to a size 14 since starting this blog and never have I once felt unfashionable or uncomfortable with my body until recently. I never thought blogging would effect my body image in the way it had. I always found blogging incredibly inspiring because of the "real" and varied body sizes our community has on show. Straight up, I think it shocked me how much it got to me? While I have a incredibly thick skin, no one wants to hear that kinda stuff about themselves. I hate that we live in an age where everyone is too skinny or too fat. You could be totally happy with yourself but a few digs here and there can really mix up how your own body image. It's crap.

I also felt like I was in a style rut. My style definitely isnt cool or cutting edge. I know what I like and I know what I feel good in. My style is so different to what's also "in" right now and paired with the fact I spent about 8 months dressed like I did when I was 15 (holla @ those former emo kids) I just needed a kick up the but to get my fashion mojo back a bit! I didnt buy any clothes in all of April, and to be honest most of March too! However the past weeks I've been trying new things and trying to piece together a fresh take on my own personal style! I actually wrote a post once on how to find your personal style so if you wanted to check out the steps I took to do it then here it is!
As you guys know I’ve been writing a book, which again I’ve really struggled with. Im not going to lie and say it came flowing out of me. Sometimes it took me days to get all my thoughts together on each blog related subject before. The fear of saying the wrong thing was always in the back of my mind. Im almost at the end of of my book journey and it’s such a awesome feeling of accomplishment. Keep tuned for more information on that over the next few days though as I’ve got some cool things to announce.
Im off travelling again as of Sunday, I’ll tell you all the details about that again in the next few days. Im so excited and I promise I’ll blog that properly! Im excited to get away and start my summer off. It feels like I can finally get back to focusing on me and my life again and summer is definitely the best time for it. Roll on festival fun for the next few months as well as a few cheeky trips abroad!
So thank for you sticking around if you’re still here reading this. I know my blog hasnt been consistently "good" in ages now but Im taking a stand from today and turning things up a notch again. Although I do fear I have too high standards for myself so I set myself up for failure. Sigh!

This turned out to be a lil heart to heart hey! Im not really into the whole woe is me style of blogging. I like talking about the positives and my experiences and how I overcame them not just how I feel in the moment. I think it's because Im pretty shielded as a person anyway, I dont like the idea that people feel sorry for me or anything like that. Feeling vunerable is a huge no-no for me so I dont think I express myself as much as I probably should but there it is all typed up on the internet for the world to see.

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Photos by Jon D Barker
Edited by Me