Humpy Dumpty
Over the last 4 months I have been shattered into a million little pieces and have slowly been putting myself and my life back together again.
I'm one of the lucky ones who get sick when they're pregnant. Not morning sickness. ....please no one tell me to just eat crackers first thing in the morning---because it will throw me into a rage and I will think about hitting you.
It's not that type of sickness. It's the type that you can do everything right like eating every 20 minutes, drinking coconut water until you're peeing it, practically be snorting ginger on the regs, buying stupid wrist bands, taking zofran, unisom, b-6, and seriously be contemplating witchcraft---and even then, you'll still be sick 24/7. It was that type.
And I want to hug and cry with any woman who knows exactly what I mean.
All three of my pregnancies so far have been like this, but varying in time and intensity. This one has decided to be fast, yet furious. For that, I am so grateful.
But throughout this living hell I have endured I want to focus on the silver linings.
The main one being that PEOPLE ARE GOOD.
Can say a million times over how really good people are if you let them be good to you?
My friends came over everyday. EVERYDAY. My mom flew out for week followed right by my mother-in-law. Bronson worked all day just to come home at night to calm the storm brewing in our house. Zuri became completely independent and took over the role of Remi's mother for me without a bit of resentment.
(That kid is something else, but I'll save that for another time.)
People fed my kids, fed me, cleaned my house...and most importantly, they gave me hope. Hope that it would end eventually. Hope that my kids were actually ok...that they wouldn't be traumatized by my inability
to care for them, that Zuri was fine not doing homework or reading for 4 months, and Remi was ok eating Trix cereal off the floor watching hours of TV.
My friend, Jess, gets this way while pregnant, but even worse if you could imagine, and she would call and give me these Coach Carter pep talks. I remember her saying something that stuck with me...It went a little something like:
'....this is your burden and your burden alone. No one can take this pain away from you, no one can do this for you. So you have to crawl into your foxhole and get through this, because it will all be worth it in the end.' I thought about that foxhole a lot.
Then strangers started coming over.
Preface:
Something I didn't know about myself before all this was that I don't want anyone to worry about me. I don't want to add stress to anyone's day, so I'll say I'm fine when I'm not, or when I'm feeling awful I'll put a smile on to try to not to ruin the mood for everyone else.
I have a common case of the disease to please--even in horrible situations. But with complete strangers, this need to make everyone else feel comfortable went out the window. I could truly breakdown and let them know I'm not ok. I could throw up and not say "it's ok... it's ok. I'm fine." It was the greatest blessing.
So, the first stranger who showed up on my doorstep unannounced with a box full of food, I tackled. With what little strength I had in my body I literally jumped on her. I was so happy, then all of a sudden I started bawling into this lady's shoulder. She came into my filthy house, pushing a path thorough all my kids toys, clothes, and half eaten cereal bowls with her feet, and then I cuddled on this woman's lap and wept like baby.
I cry now even thinking of it.
She didn't say anything. She patted my head and kissed my cheek. She let me sit there as she fed my children, then bathed them, and helped me get them ready for bed. She left and came back an hour later with her husband who gave me a blessing.
The next lady who came to my door was well into her 80's. She showed up with, I kid you not, a weeks worth of meals. All pre-packaged and ready for my kids to just take out of the fridge.
After she got everything situated in my kitchen she went into the kids room and gathered all the laundry. Three baskets full.
I continued to cry out of gratitude throughout her visit, and even then again on the next day when she delivered all the laundry starched, ironed, and folded perfectly. Have you ever ironed underwear? ...Because my kids cute little undies were ironed.
Visits like these continued for 5 weeks from my mom, to mom-in-law, friends, to complete strangers. My need to apologize for a messy home and unwashed hair faded and things got real really fast.
These women accepted and loved me at my worst....when I can do nothing for them, they have offered to do everything for me. From arranging a car pool for my daughter, to fertilizing my lawn....it's truly amazing. I can't tell you how I much I love these women...there are no ways to say thank you enough.
If I learned anything from this and if I could hope that you do too, it would be to know that people really are so good. My initial reaction was to not let anyone in on my suffering. It's embarrassing after all, right? All of it is from my house, to my inability care for my kids, to the scary way I looked for so long. But my quality of life seriously improved the more I let people in on my struggles. The sickness didn't fade but my perspective improved. So if there are willing people in your life, let them in. Give people an opportunity to serve. It's a win/win for everyone.
...and I'm happy to be back.
....and it's a boy! I can't even believe it
.....and I missed you guys.
I'm one of the lucky ones who get sick when they're pregnant. Not morning sickness. ....please no one tell me to just eat crackers first thing in the morning---because it will throw me into a rage and I will think about hitting you.
It's not that type of sickness. It's the type that you can do everything right like eating every 20 minutes, drinking coconut water until you're peeing it, practically be snorting ginger on the regs, buying stupid wrist bands, taking zofran, unisom, b-6, and seriously be contemplating witchcraft---and even then, you'll still be sick 24/7. It was that type.
And I want to hug and cry with any woman who knows exactly what I mean.
All three of my pregnancies so far have been like this, but varying in time and intensity. This one has decided to be fast, yet furious. For that, I am so grateful.
But throughout this living hell I have endured I want to focus on the silver linings.
The main one being that PEOPLE ARE GOOD.
Can say a million times over how really good people are if you let them be good to you?
My friends came over everyday. EVERYDAY. My mom flew out for week followed right by my mother-in-law. Bronson worked all day just to come home at night to calm the storm brewing in our house. Zuri became completely independent and took over the role of Remi's mother for me without a bit of resentment.
(That kid is something else, but I'll save that for another time.)
People fed my kids, fed me, cleaned my house...and most importantly, they gave me hope. Hope that it would end eventually. Hope that my kids were actually ok...that they wouldn't be traumatized by my inability
to care for them, that Zuri was fine not doing homework or reading for 4 months, and Remi was ok eating Trix cereal off the floor watching hours of TV.
My friend, Jess, gets this way while pregnant, but even worse if you could imagine, and she would call and give me these Coach Carter pep talks. I remember her saying something that stuck with me...It went a little something like:
'....this is your burden and your burden alone. No one can take this pain away from you, no one can do this for you. So you have to crawl into your foxhole and get through this, because it will all be worth it in the end.' I thought about that foxhole a lot.
Then strangers started coming over.
Preface:
Something I didn't know about myself before all this was that I don't want anyone to worry about me. I don't want to add stress to anyone's day, so I'll say I'm fine when I'm not, or when I'm feeling awful I'll put a smile on to try to not to ruin the mood for everyone else.
I have a common case of the disease to please--even in horrible situations. But with complete strangers, this need to make everyone else feel comfortable went out the window. I could truly breakdown and let them know I'm not ok. I could throw up and not say "it's ok... it's ok. I'm fine." It was the greatest blessing.
So, the first stranger who showed up on my doorstep unannounced with a box full of food, I tackled. With what little strength I had in my body I literally jumped on her. I was so happy, then all of a sudden I started bawling into this lady's shoulder. She came into my filthy house, pushing a path thorough all my kids toys, clothes, and half eaten cereal bowls with her feet, and then I cuddled on this woman's lap and wept like baby.
I cry now even thinking of it.
She didn't say anything. She patted my head and kissed my cheek. She let me sit there as she fed my children, then bathed them, and helped me get them ready for bed. She left and came back an hour later with her husband who gave me a blessing.
The next lady who came to my door was well into her 80's. She showed up with, I kid you not, a weeks worth of meals. All pre-packaged and ready for my kids to just take out of the fridge.
After she got everything situated in my kitchen she went into the kids room and gathered all the laundry. Three baskets full.
I continued to cry out of gratitude throughout her visit, and even then again on the next day when she delivered all the laundry starched, ironed, and folded perfectly. Have you ever ironed underwear? ...Because my kids cute little undies were ironed.
Visits like these continued for 5 weeks from my mom, to mom-in-law, friends, to complete strangers. My need to apologize for a messy home and unwashed hair faded and things got real really fast.
These women accepted and loved me at my worst....when I can do nothing for them, they have offered to do everything for me. From arranging a car pool for my daughter, to fertilizing my lawn....it's truly amazing. I can't tell you how I much I love these women...there are no ways to say thank you enough.
If I learned anything from this and if I could hope that you do too, it would be to know that people really are so good. My initial reaction was to not let anyone in on my suffering. It's embarrassing after all, right? All of it is from my house, to my inability care for my kids, to the scary way I looked for so long. But my quality of life seriously improved the more I let people in on my struggles. The sickness didn't fade but my perspective improved. So if there are willing people in your life, let them in. Give people an opportunity to serve. It's a win/win for everyone.
...and I'm happy to be back.
....and it's a boy! I can't even believe it
.....and I missed you guys.
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