Spying on your spouse? You’re done before you’re done

My, oh my, how nice it is to not have to wonder.

It’s so refreshing to not have to question my worth all the time in my relationship. I’m sure some of you out there know exactly what I’m referring to (those of you that are pleasers, please stand up)! And for those of you that can’t quite pick up what I’m puttin down, I’m talking about being in a relationship where your significant other is unengaged and you’re told everything is your fault when things go wrong. You’re left wondering if today is the day you’ll get “in trouble” for something else. You may get the silent treatment, or maybe your spouse will storm out of the house for “me” time after some sort of disagreement that comes up and you’re left there confused or mad and sitting alone in your room. Whatever it is, it’s always your fault. Never theirs.

And later, the time may come where their computer or texting habits may come to question, and the loyalty to the relationship may be at risk. Even then, when you’re not the one reaching out of the relationship, it’s still somehow your fault. And you wonder…was it?

This feeling of strength and security in my second marriage hit me the other day when I walked in from work and my husband, who was on the couch at the time, threw his arms up in the air and puckered up his lips. A sweet request to get my butt over there and kiss him (which is common habit around here).

There was no hesitation on my part. It’s a common occurrence and I wasn’t surprised by it. There is no “power struggle” in this relationship and it’s most definitely not a game of the controller and the controlled. It’s pure, happy, non-judging, raw love.

My previous relationship was quite different.

No longer am I running around the house all the time trying to make everything perfect before he gets home. I’m not questioning his lunchtime workouts or who the other person is he’s texting or who gets all of his attention. I’m not dreading being critiqued for my wanting to take a nap, my clothing choices, or my desire (or complete lack there of) of wanting to be intimate.

In my marriage, my feet are firmly planted…right where they ought to be. I don’t question my husband or his commitment to me. Not one bit. I don’t question his loyalty to me or our family, I don’t question his actions, and I most certainly don’t question his love for me.

I can honestly say that it’s probably THE sexiest thing ever to know I’m loved and I’m wanted just the way I am.

If you’re in a relationship where you’re checking up on his stories, scanning the debit card statement for “questionable” charges or you rattle through his phone because you caught him texting other women in the past and you think your instinct is telling you to spy more, you better check yourself before you wreck yourself. Living a life as Colombo is no cake walk. Trust me.

If you’re already at that place in your relationship where insecurities pop in and you’re just itching to find something else to prove you’re right in your assumptions he’s not being loyal to you, you should just make a plan to leave now. (That doesn’t mean if you have no proof of previous misbehavior you should take your gut instinct and run. You could just be a bit crazy and paranoid~and that’s YOUR problem, not his) If he’s done it once to you, save yourself a lot of heartache and time and go find yourself a man who loves YOU. Don’t stay with someone who takes you for granted or doesn’t work as a team.

Take a long look at yourself in the mirror. Stop investigating, stop worrying, and be done. A real man won’t put you through that mess, and you will love yourself more for leaving and being on your own than he ever will if he’s done this to you before.