In Honor of Royal Baby Number 2: Why It’s Okay to Come Second
But even with the press barrier standing outside St Mary’s Hospital in London, and the vestiges of childbirth pun capability being eked out at ad agencies, something’s amiss.
Paparazzi scrummage injuries were reportedly down 42% on July 2013. A mere 6% of UK GDP was gambled on this new royal’s name, and the Daily Mail assigned less than half its staff to cover the story.*
Second children just aren’t as interesting as firsties. I know because I am one.
I know what it means to be humdrum even before you exist. By the time I was born, my older brother could run, laugh and operate a fork. He was communicating with the dog before I could even chew.
The second child’s development is absent of any real milestones. No gummy smile, no drunken steps, and no first word will ever be as miraculous as its older sibling’s (unless that first word happens to be “mellifluous”or something).
But there are advantages to coming second, as the Princess will eventually discover. Parenting is both more expert and less attentive. Your parents probably won’t drop you on your head, but they might forget your bedtime – and no age is too young to learn about televised cosmetic surgery.
First children are human experiments, learning by doing in the fraught nursery of life, while their younger siblings acquire wisdom vicariously. Lessons I learned from my brother included Hamsters Don’t Like to Fly, Nostrils: The Risks, and Practical Reasons for Not Eating Gravel.
Second children tend to be more robust, primed for adversity by formative years of teasing and practical jokes. Shabby exam results, job rejections, unrequited love – no disappointment encountered as an adult can ever match the discovery that a doll’s hair never grows back.
And most importantly, a wardrobe consisting entirely of hand-me-downs prepares the resourceful second child for thrift store outfit-cobbling later in life. Forget Petit Bateau and JoJo Maman Bebe. All the best-dressed kids are wearing faded dungarees.
Some other good things that came second:
1.) The Godfather II.
2.) Bill Gates, memorably described in an online bio as “sandwiched between two sisters.”
3.) Nirvana’s Nevermind
4.) Buzz Aldrin, one small step behind Neil Armstrong.
5.) Prince Harry. If ever the princess needs a role model, her Vegas-loving army hero uncle is it.
Note: statistics mentioned may or may not or may definitely be false.
