10 TV Quotes You Should Have in Your Comeback Arsenal

“I’m terribly sorry, but go f*ck yourself.”

To celebrate the upcoming 2014/15 TV season, I’ve put together some quality quotes from current shows that every self respecting human (who doesn’t mind dropping the occasional f*bomb) should have in their Comeback Arsenal.

Most of these you can’t use on your kids of course (you can find those here), but you can use them as retorts for the special things arseholes say or do to you. So really, this should be called the Arsehole Arsenal. Or something. Some of these are contextual, some are panaceas and can be used in pretty much any situation.

Use them sparingly. Or not. And if you don’t give me a call, won’t you, so I can come and watch.

1. “I’m terribly sorry, but go fuck yourself.”—Sgt. John Porter, Strike Back. Perhaps my favourite all-round comeback. Doesn’t hurt that it’s said by a complete hottie either. That always seems to make these things more palatable.
2. “You betrayed me? No one in the history of torture’s been tortured with torture like the torture you’ll be tortured with.”—Crowley, Supernatural
3. “You want to kill me, you’re going to have to do better than that wrench.”—Rick, The Walking Dead. But judging by Rick’s state at the end of Season 4, a shower and a shave might.
4. “You speak idiot?”—Sherlock, Elementary
5. “You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people. And Douchebags.”—Dean, Supernatural
6. “Hodor?”—Hodor, Game of Thrones. For those special occasions where argument with an arsehole is futile.
7. “It’s not very smart to piss off a guy who thinks about killing people for a living.”—Will, Hannibal
8. “Where in F*cktopia are you?”—Deb Morgan, Dexter. OK, cheating as Dexter’s not been renewed, but Debra Morgan’s comebacks are the best in TV history EVER. You can quote me on that.
9. “Dear God. What is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring.”—Sherlock, Sherlock. Because no Top 10 list could possibly be complete without sociopathic crumpet.
10. “Shut up. Everybody shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shutitty up,up, up!”—Doctor Who, Doctor Who.

Do you have a favourite TV comeback?

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