My Heart Lives In My Vagina - Or Why Attachment Does NOT Equal Love

I still remember this episode of Grey's Anatomy. Okay, I remember all of the episodes because it's my comfort show and I may or may not have watched most of the seasons like five eleven times. When the "Perfect Little Accident"episode (season 6, episode 16) aired Kristina immediately turned to me and said "THAT'S YOU!" And I just blinked at her. I couldn't deny it then, and I definitely can't deny it now. For those of you who haven't seen the show, the little sister character (Lexi) is planning to sleep with a mutual friend of theirs (again), and the big sister (Meredith) warns her not to because she'll get attached.

One night stands don't work for me. Sleeping together without having feelings for each other doesn't work for me. This is something that time and a lot of experience with the matter have taught me. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to convince myself otherwise because I was thinking with my hormones and not with my head, only to have another lesson-induced smack down from the Universe saying "You can't do this."

Why don't they work for me? I get attached. It's just something that happens, and I've come to accept that about myself. My heart does live in my vagina, and chances are if I choose to be intimate with someone like that I already have feelings for them-feelings that can only be intensified after being so close and releasing all of those love-like chemicals into the brain. You see sex, or most physical contact, releases all sorts of hormones and makes your Dopamine skyrocket. This is much like a reaction to a drug or any other addictive substance, and that is why when it goes away we crash so hard. They're love withdrawals, and I get them bad.

I've spent a lot of my life fighting this fact. It seems to me that it would be much easier if I could just satisfy any physical need I want without wanting anything more than that from people. However, I've come to realize that feeling something for people isn't a bad thing. How can it be wrong to love with all you have? It's not. I'd rather fall for every person I'm intimate with and get hurt than be numb or unfeeling. I honestly believe we should go out there and love anything and everything we have. We should love the people who love us, and we should love the people who don't. There's far too much else in this world, a little extra love isn't a bad thing. Spread it around freely.

The problem comes with the attachment. To be attached to something means we're placing the power of our happiness or love on the condition that the thing we're attached to will always be there. When we get attached to something we forget that nothing is permanent, and that the only thing we can control is our own actions and reactions. That thing we're attaching our hopes and dreams to could be gone in an instant, and when it goes we're going to hurt-a lot.

Attachment does not equal love. When we attach to something or some one, we are trying to control it and the situation because we feel so out of control about it it-but that's the thing-you can't control love, and you can't control the person you're loving. We have to learn to relinquish control and just go with it. If we are able to just go with it, and not attach ourselves to it in order to try and control it, then we can love freely and accept that whatever will be will be. It will probably still hurt when it ends, but it wont break us as badly as that severed attachment does. We have to accept that nothing lasts forever, and a little bit of hurt lets us know that we're still alive. It lets us know we're a living, breathing, feeling thing-and it allows us to appreciate when we feel the good things in life.

No one is perfect. Here I sit talking about how to love and not attach to things, when I fully admitted that I get attached. I'm working on it, and it's a long and difficult process. It's hard to train yourself to love a different way when the one way is all you've been doing for your entire life, but let's be honest-that way hasn't been working for me. It has just left a lot of heartache and apprehension for the future. I'd become afraid to love someone, because in my head loving someone was always this big painful process that ultimately led to me being alone and hurting. It doesn't have to be like that, and I'm trying to learn that I can love openly and fully, and then if the time comes, let it dissolve back into the sea if needs be. There's something ultimately poetic about a goodbye that's as peaceful as the tide washing the sand away... Perhaps that's how it's supposed to be.