TONIGHT’S CASUAL TOPIC: Vagina Steaming

YOUUUUU GUYS. HAS ANYONE HEARD OF VAGINA STEAMING? IF SO, CAN WE TALK ABOUT IT? Like, ASAP.

I heard about it through my friend, Gwyneth.

You know Gwyneth Paltrow.

She tells me about the latest & greatest holistic trends via Letterman.

And her latest UH-BUH-SESS-SION is vagina steaming.

Before you like exit off my site & call me bat shit crazy, hear me out.

( side: I know Gwenie can be a little out of touch with reality but she may really be on to something with this vagina steaming thing ).

Here’s what Gwyneth said about the V-Steam:

“You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.”

I don’t know if you guys know a lot about regular douching but I’m so not a fan.

Douching ( with a Rite-Aid, store bought kind of douche ) basically sucks bacteria out of your vag-jay. Now this sounds awesome & all BUT it also sucks the good bacteria out too. SO NO thanks. YOU need good bacteria. It’s good for ya.

This though, this vag steaming is different.

It’s all-natural & holistic. Check out its benefits:

♥ Significantly reduce discomfort, bloating and exhaustion associated with monthly cycles
♥ Decrease menstrual flow as well as reduce dark purple or brown blood at the onset or end of menses
♥ Regulate irregular or absent menstrual cycles
♥ Increase fertility, especially when combined with Mayan abdominal massage
♥ Speed healing and tone the reproductive system after birth
♥ Treat uterine fibroids, ovarian cysts, uterine weakness and uterine prolapse
♥ Assist with the healing of hemorrhoids
♥ Treat chronic vaginal/yeast infections, and maintain healthy odor
♥ Relieve symptoms of menopause

Supposedly it’s reallllly known to help with cramps & fertility. More here.

As

this women says ( & I SO AGREE ): “Often, I think some take the care of their vaginal/perianal area a little to lightly. It is the core of who and what we are as women; it brings fort life, love, pleasure, etc. We must learn to take care, treat and respect our vagina and womb.”

Ok so, here’s a bit of background for all of you who are still reading ( with your mouths hanging open, hiding the screen from your bf/boss ): “the V-steam is the Americanized version of a centuries-old Korean tradition called chai-yok, during which women hover over a piping hot cauldron of Wormwood and Mugwort to be thoroughly cleansed from the inside out. Wormwood and Mugwort, which sounds like a class Neville Longbottom would excel in at Hogwarts, are actually herbs that have alleged antibiotic and antifungal properties, as well as healing powers. Basically, it’s sorcery for your vagina. The average chai-yok session promises to reduce stress, fight infections, regulate your menstrual cycle, alleviate hemorrhoids, promote circulation, correct digestive disorders and clear up hormonal acne. Yes, vaginal steaming is the secret to world peace. Or, you know, a bunch of hooey. Either way.”

Ok so sorcery for MY VAGINA?

Sounds cool, right.

You know it does guys. Don’t lie.

I can’t be the only woman on the planet who’s intrigued? I mean? Eer, maybe?

Now as much as I’d love to say I’m currently vagina steaming while writing this post, unfortunately I’m not. I’m not that good at multi-tasking.

But I’m so totally planning on giving it a little whirly-whirl this weekend.

( Don’t be jealous of my Sunday activities, guys ).

Maybe I’ll Snapchat it.

I kid, I kid.

& MAYBE, JUST MAYBE Michael will do it with me because apparently there’s something called A-STEAMING…for men’s butts. MEOW.

Obviously I played around on Google & found someone’s intense, serious in detail interview ( THE MORE THE BETTER!! ).

Here’s this women’s personal V-Steam story:

“Entering the vagina steaming room ( I just don’t know what else to call it ), I’m faced with what looks like a Victorian police cell toilet situated over a steaming pot of Grandma’s Chai Spice Vagina tea. I hover over the hole in the seat just so and then settle down so that the steam may rise into That Which Is Most Sacred. I cannot tell a lie: At first, it feels incredibly weird to have hot wet air wafting into my cooch. My entire body tenses as I actively clench my vaginal muscles to protect myself from the invading shower of scorching steam. It would feel exactly like the poison fog from the Hunger Games arena, I think. First a burning heat and then convulsion after convulsion of electric pain!

No, no. I have to stop this! I didn’t pay $50 to sit here and push hot air out of my vagina. I paid $50 to become more like Gwyneth and Gwyneth relaxes into things; she consciously uncouples, like, all the time. She allows herself to engage in humiliating white girl rapping. She rides motorcycles around Spain with her best friend, Mario Batali. Respect.

I force myself to take deep breaths and visualize my vagina opening like a freshly painted Georgia O’Keefe, inviting the warm breath of life inside my uterus. Welcome, I said. And as I say this, I begin to ease into it. It feels foreign, but not bad; like visiting a new country that you weren’t sure would be safe for women travelers and then stumbling upon a lesbian bookstore collective. And you know what? I like it. I zen out as my vagina sucks up steam and drips out whatever; I fantasize about getting a really good spa-style exfoliating scrub beatdown afterwards. I want to feel as clean on the outside as I feel on the inside. Which is to say, very clean. Squeaky clean. Just me and my squeaky clean vagina.

At the end of my 30 minutes, I stand up and have a distinct feeling of emptiness. Not in a scary way but in a calming way. I feel good. I imagine this is how Gwyneth Paltrow feels all the time; empty and just a little bit better than other people. It’s almost like I can hear her voice whispering into my vagina. And Gwyneth is saying “You are living your best life, Laura.” Or maybe that’s Oprah.“

WOW.

This woman must be my spirit animal or something.

I feel like we need to go to the vagina spa together.

Regardless, I think I’m gonna go DIY on this one. If you’re just dying to try this at home, read the oh-so-cute instructions here. I’M NOT GOING TO LIE I WATCHED THE WHOLE YOUTUBE DIY, AT HOME TUTORIAL TOO ( maybe I’ll do a tutorial on this too…lol! ).

SO. There I’ll be on Sunday, creating my own vagina spa at Casa De Lauryn. Anyone wanna R.S.V.P.?

x, lauryn

(P.S. IF YOU’VE V-STEAMED BEFORE YOU HAVE TO SHARE YOUR STORY BEFORE. SO NOT FAIR IF YOU DON’T SHARE!!)

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