I Just Don’t Even Know

The main event on my 30th birthday was a trip to the health center for a Leep procedure to remove some “severe” pre cancerous cell from my cervix. Because that wasn’t enough to deal with I was also told they were going to do another biopsy on a tiny spot “further up the canal” that looked different. Because this new biopsy was news to me I asked what would happen if the cells came back positive for pre-cancer. The doctor, who seemed like she didn’t really want to talk about it, probably because she didn’t want me to worry about procedures I may not actually have to endure, said we would have to have a discussion on how to proceed. If I wanted to have more kids they could try and do another leep procedure to get rid of them, and if I didn’t want to have more kids then they would probably suggest a hysterectomy.

Since the moment this was mentioned to me I have had nothing but anxiety. Yes, I am freaking out over something that may not even happen. I have to wait 2-3 weeks for my results and yet I am already preparing myself for the worst. Because that is what I do.

Of course I am focusing on the fact that if this comes back positive “they could TRY to do another leep procedure” so that I would be able to have more children, but really that doesn’t sound super promising so obviously I’m going to have a hysterectomy and Matteo will be an only child. Because that is obviously exactly what the doctor told me. Forget about talking about my options I clearly only have one.

I know I am over reacting but I can’t help it. I am super freaked out.

I really just want a break from all of this. I just really don’t want to have to sit here waiting for yet another test result. Can I just get through a year with out any more tests?

SOMEONE THROW ME A FREAKIN’ BONE.