turning point
I took some time to edit the photos on this post, but it takes me longer to write everything. I had just turned 24 this week and my thoughts is jumbled up on what to write. i had my Mac playing Alt-J and Sigur Ros while i flip over my moleskine to look at my etched handwriting and my doodles. I write on it whenever i see or feel something striking.
I started to see a pattern, I see my sketchbook as if i see a roll of film that tells episode When i heard my parents arguing over things, i ran up to my room reading old magazines while hoping they stop, When i curled under my blanket, too lazy to finish my to be submitted journal, When i cried for days of heartbreak, thinking the world must be stopped rotating, When i miss someone and all the songs played along was just to remind me of him, When i start spending money to make my hair looks glossy, When i see my dad for the last time, which i did not know that silence could be so loud.
Today i took a day off from the office. i have been feeling demotivated because of salary adjustment happening in my company, besides i have been down with flu. I am very passionate with my work, i just don't need any emotional or some kind of new organisational things that bug me to be productive. As what i always do, I go run whenever i feel like this, with earphones blasting my grief to the sidewalk, to the trees.
I am glad two weeks ago I took the flight, to go back to Singapore. The place where i stayed as if forever, to see where i have left, and what is left to remind myself to go on. I took one day wandering alone just again to doodle on my moleskin, and meet more people afterwards. It is nice to see old faces, those who have been there with all my hormonal acne and rant. Those busy people who said "hey. you haven't changed." and simply ask you out for lunch an hour or two. 90% of my friends (college mates, ex colleague, blog friends) are older than me, thus they have been showering me with life advices, tips on how to get your commerce going better, relationship talks, and how life is changing when you are 27 or so.
When i came back to Jakarta, i felt so much better. I am neither running away from love or constantly looking for it. just by knowing that you are comfortable being alone, you will know whether you love someone based on real love or loneliness. I am seeing a guy at the moment, but I am not sure yet where is it going because it is too early. I am the cool and chill type for this matter, so i'll just take things slow. But i learn not to listen to other people's opinion (could be the ex or the other people) I know i can't make everybody happy. I don't want to have a boyfriend just to be exhibited or whatsoever. I want to purely love and i will not give up on him easily.
My dad always said, even though i am a woman, i must not cling to a guy. In a sense i have to be independent, having my own saving, and learning different things as much as possible. "You have to be strong, in order to support your significant others in the future."
I had a simple homemade dinner with my mom and brothers. My dad's seat is empty and my maid is pushing it away. I choked and nearly broke down. But i know i must not. I am a hokkian woman, my parents don't teach me to be a loser. With all things that happened to me last year, i think i have died several times, I also thought that i have no feeling anymore. After the trip, indeed i feel so new. I don't hold grudges, i learn to make peace with my past, and to overcome my fear. I have been loving my mom and brother more each day, and starting to fulfil her needs or just simply asking how can i make her feel better. I realise, only by doing so, i will be able to embrace my future.
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