Ask Babe: What The Actual Fuck?

Dear Babe-

Seriously, did you OD or get fat or something? YOU NEED TO COME BACK!!!!!
I need your guidance and endless expertise in my life.
Don’t let your fellow Psychos down!

Love,
H********

Dear Psycho:

I guess the first thing I should do is apologize properly for literally dying on all of you, my beautiful, loyal psychos.

After my last book came out, I was exhausted. I took the summer to nurse myself back to health. A daily dose of Jalapeño/Lime juice (administered through an IV). It stings but trust me it was worth it. My skin and hair looked better than ever. And then it’s just that I’ve been soooo fucking busy over the last few months with pilates and my Tracy sessions and this green tea harvesting course I’m taking and trips to and from NYC because Robert is living there (yes, we’re still together which is insane I know but it’s true I swear) and whatever, I haven’t been writing or listening to music or shoulder-dancing in dark corners of smoky Paris bars or any of the things that really make me ME. I plan on being extremely Babe in 2015 though, trust.

I did write a little poem for you sluts. It’s kind of my way of saying I’m sorry/It’ll never happen again/Fuck you all for judging me:

Poems Shmoems

I

was gone.

You

were here.

I

am not

A

hunted deer/dear.

Death

brings life.

Life

is death.

My

loves I’ve

Missed

your listening

Ears.

Happy New Year Psychos. Here’s to a Mayj 2015!