My Father Hates This Dress. The Husband? He Loves it, Obvi

{Haute Hippie blazer dress, Jimmy Choo pumps, Chanel boy bag, Céline sunnies, Daniela Swaebe pendant}

{The Standard Hotel Miami Beach}

“Maria, where the hell are your pants? And your blouse for that matter?” my dad asks me when I show him these pictures.

Um, he’s totally right. This dress is unmitigatedly on the racy side, but every once in a while, this mama has got to bring the fashion fuego. And this blazer dress with plunging neckline is precisely what I’m talkin’ about. Uh huh, honey.

You see, as I navigate Miami’s nighttime events, I’ve got certain tried-and-true looks on rotation (ripped jeans with sick heels, my go-to LBD, black pants with a cute top, yadda yadda yadda). But sometimes, you’ve got to BE ON LIKE DONKEY KONG. These sexier, professional events typically involve the husband. And other half nakedly dressed women. Which equates to this sartorial strategy for: Be provocative. Never slutty. But push the envelop a bit. Ask yourself, “What would Madonna wear?” And divide the answer in half.

NEWSFLASH, ladies — DING! DING! DING! — your man cares about how you dress. And while I know the world doesn’t need yet another misogynistic article expressing the sentiment that sweatpants cause divorce so wear skimpy lace thongs while folding the laundry (because that’s utter bullshit), well, dressing up for your man is actually a loving act. It shows them that you care about them. And that you care about yourself. And that you’re confident and men love confidence because there’s nothing more nagging than some needy nitwit complaining about vapid crap like, “OMG, I’m so bloated. Do I look good? Baaaaaabe, DO I LOOK GOOD? TELL ME I’M HOT, DAMMIT!!!!”

Ehr-ma-gawd…I sound like a tired episode of Doctor Phil. Shit. My sincerest apologies.

But you know what I mean. While I typically dress for myself, there are indeed times I find myself va-va-vooming it up for my man in a concerted effort to look damn sexy in a sea of scantily clad chicks. Call me crazy (well, I think we’ve already established the notion I’m slightly mental) but I think dressing up for your loved ones is really important.

So bust out that one thing in your closet that makes him or her weak in the knees — give them a solid reason to stare at you as though you’re the only person in the room. Okay, now I’m starting to sound like a poorly written paragraph from Fifty Shades of Grey. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN SO MAKE LIKE A NIKE SHOE AND JUST DO IT.